i've never known this kind of tired

I'm annoyed with myself that this is the subject of my blog post today.  But I can't escape it.  My ridiculous sleep schedule is pretty much killing me right now.  Sure, I have felt exhausted some days, but that is usually followed by going to bed earlier the next night and bouncing back the next day.  One day lost, no biggie.

I feel like I don't have any control over it right now.  It's not "temporary".  As much as I try to "go to bed earlier", it's just not possible to actually fall into a deep enough do-my-body/mind-any-good kind of sleep when there are constant interruptions all through the night/morning. 

Last night was a pretty typical example of how things have been around here lately:

tired all day because I didn't get enough quality sleep the night before
my body is pretty much begging to go to bed by 6 o'clock, but I'm not even close because
1.  I'm not even home
2.  I have to deliver dinner to the missionaries (damon ended up doing this one for me)
3.  I still have presidency meeting which doesn't even start until 7:30

9:30:  home from pres mtg, with several more things added to my to-do list (not complaining here, just noting the snowball effect of my life right now)
all the kids are up, 2 of them aren't even home yet, kitchen is a disaster, and I still can't crawl into bed.

get little kids in bed, request cell phones from girls and plop down in my bed with my laptop to complete a few things while I wait for kids to fall asleep, cell phones to be turned in. 

11:00  cell phones finally all turned in, kids are buckling down, house locked up, I'm feeling like I can responsibly fall asleep at this point.

11:30:  start drifting off
11:45:  Nolan comes in crying because he "can't fall asleep", even though he's clearly been asleep.  He's been starting to get sick and he's a worrier.  He's worried about not being able to fall asleep, he's worried he might have to miss school tomorrow because he's sick, he's worried he won't be able to perform in his play next week...
I think he may have taken a shower in our bathroom to help him calm down and then he went back to bed.
12:15 drifting off again
12:45 Elli bursts into our room and demands something incoherent.  She says something about Emma still being up downstairs.  Ugh.  I march downstairs to tell Emma to go to bed, but she is already in bed.  Turn off all lights again.  Go check on Elli, already back asleep.  Chalk the strange happenings up to Elli sleepwalking.
try to go back to sleep
1:45  Nolan brings Madsen in our room to go to the bathroom
2:30  Nolan comes back in our room in tears because Madsen won't leave him alone and he's so tired.  I send him downstairs to go to sleep.  go in and put Madsen back to bed.
3:15  Madsen comes into my room looking for Nolan; he's very alert.  I think he's actually been awake this entire time.  I take him to the bathroom again and put him back to bed.
lay awake for probably about an hour thinking about all the things I need to do tomorrow (today) and how tired i'm going to be...again
5:15 my alarm goes off. 
today is a quick morning:  all I have to do is wake Elli and Emma up to get ready for seminary, make Nolan's lunch (Ray is buying, girls have 1/2 day due to finals), make breakfast and then I can go back to bed for a bit because Elli will be driving my car to seminary.  I set Nolan's alarm to 6:55 for him and then go back to bed.  It's only 5:40 and I should be able to "sleep" until 6:55 when Nolan will get up and start asking me questions.  I remember some things that need to happen so I text damon (who's in the shower) and ask him to wake Ray up at 6:40 because he needs to finish his homework and explain to him where all the kids are sleeping.  and PLEASE don't wake madsen up!
I lay back down.  Elli and Emma are in and out of my room, turning lights on, scavenging my closet for clothes that are easily visible because they're hanging up (what a concept!).  They finally leave for seminary about 6:10.  sigh. 
6:15  madsen starts crying because he can't find Nolan OR Ray.  I take him back to his room and show him where Ray is sleeping (on the floor under a pile of blankets).  Ray wakes up and cuddles madsen into him.
I go back to bed. 
then a text from Emma letting me know Nolan is in her bed now since she's at seminary
then Nolan is awake and not feeling well, wants to shower in my shower again. is worried about school
damon asks me a question about emma? 
madsen wakes up
damon leaves
Nolan asks me to call into school and let them know he won't be there for a couple hours because he doesn't feel well (he HAS to be in 3rd period)
elli texts me from school, needs me to excuse her from school because she needs to drive home and grab something.
ray leaves for school.
it's 8:30 now.  I've been in my bed since 5:40, but haven't felt like I've actually fallen asleep yet.  and yet, I've wasted 3 hours TRYING to sleep. 
9:30  Nolan has left for school by now, elli is home briefly, and madsen is shoving a marble inside my mouth.  I decide to get up and "start my day"

I want to cry right now.  I'm so tired, yet I have so much I need to get done.  I can't quite focus enough to be productive with my "to do" list, but there isn't really an option to get the depth of sleep that I need either.  so I kind of just [barely] go through the motions enough to (sometimes) keep my family fed and have enough clean underwear and socks. 

I can't be creative when I'm this tired.  I can't be productive when I'm this tired.  I don't want to do anything except the absolute bare minimum when I'm this tired. 

this is pretty much the season of my life:  I am either TRYING to fall asleep or WISHING I was asleep.  BUT I see nothing changing in my immediate future.  I don't know how to get any better quality sleep.  I'm totally stumped.

and tired.  oh, so tired.