right now i’m stuck in between feeling obligated to blog and feeling motivated (by my obligation to my blog) to record my thoughts and feelings and memories that i want to have documented. i’m no longer committed to blogging daily and while that is wonderfully freeing some days, it also comes at a price.
ever since hawaii, i have been less connected to my laptop. which i love. i am still not even fully caught up with my blog-reading on google reader. surfing the internet seems completely senseless to me and i’m finding it more and more annoying to be tied down to my computer.
i’m constantly asking myself this question, “am i blogging just to blog or am i blogging because i want to remember this moment/story/event/emotion/season of my life?” and if what i’m feeling like blogging about right then doesn’t make the cut, then i pass on blogging for the day. sometimes that’s great. i usually feel great about that choice. passing on blogging usually frees up more time to spend with damon or to read. but it’s getting easier and easier for me to justify not blogging. which was my fear when i decided to not re-commit to blogging daily.
i have a lot of things on my mind that i want to take the time to think about and write about. i want to write a birthday letter to emma. i want to write about the things i love about the father of my children. i want to write about my own dad. i want to write about my feelings and experiences as a newlywed. i want to write about my hopes for the summer. i want to write about where my heart is regarding calvin. i want to write about lots of important things, but i can’t seem to find the frame of mind to do so. i can’t seem to find the time to clear my head and close myself off and just write from my heart.
and i think (i hope) it’s because i have healed a bit and i am more engaged in my life with my family again. but i fear it’s just because i’m tired and the kids are out of school and i don’t feel like blogging and so i let myself off the hook. so i write this post tonight with renewed effort to just write even when it just seems like babbling and is disorganized because i don’t want to let this healing habit of writing from my heart slip away from me. i’ve worked too hard at it to lose it now.
Sometimes when I skip days, it's because what I want to write about the most, I feel like I can't for one reason or another. So sometimes I'll write about it and save it to a draft in case I'm just venting unproductively and decide later if I want to publish it. :) With that out of the way, then I feel like I can move on to other things.
ReplyDeleteI think it's very healthy to not feel tied to your computer, to not NEED to catch up on reader. I like going on vacation for that very reason. It's very freeing, like you said.
ReplyDeleteoh, how i can relate. i'm going to have to email you later to tell you about what i have learned through that very same "stuck-ness".
ReplyDeleteand i think (i hope) it’s because i have healed a bit and i am more engaged in my life with my family again
ReplyDeleteTHIS iS WHAT I THINK IT IS... AND I THINK IT'S WORTH CELEBRATING... YAY YOU!
I have some thoughts about this. #1- I think that you are healing. And I think that healing is a blessing. #2- I think that summertime is CRAZY and it's so hard to find the time to blog, or get online for anything at all when all the kids are home. #3- your blog has been your support system and now that you are healing, and it's summertime and the kids are home, you don't need the additional support as much.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a good thing. Blog when you want to, and don't blog when you don't want to. Spend time with your kids, give Damon some extra attention. Don't give Pebbles back to the Humane Society (for Ray's sake, not mine...). Enjoy the summer and soak in the happiness :)
Wow Amy you are free. I can't believe it has been since Monday that you have blogged. I do have to say I was sad not to see a new entry. But that's ok I'll just send you random confusing texts instead.
ReplyDeleteI have been staying off my computer more and more lately. And while it does make a very dusty blog over at my place. I find I feel much less attached to my computer which is kinda nice.
ReplyDelete