think happy thoughts…

that’s my motto today.

one of my very best friends from high school is {supposedly} having her babies today.  we found out we were expecting together pretty early on this past spring.  we were due the same week of december.  we even had our ultrasounds the same july day:  i found out i was having a boy; she found out she was having twin boys!  I was envious of her on that day, and i am especially envious of her today. 

because of our linked pregnancies and our blogs, we have kept in better contact this year than we have in previous years.  i have loved being connected to her in these ways.  she is always someone that i have looked up to.  she’s prettier than me, undeniably more talented than me, way more fashionable, and far more socially in-tune and likable than me.  and yet she is someone that has always made me feel comfortable and loved and welcomed into her life and family.  she’s that friend that my mom probably most definitely liked more than her own daughter in our growing-up years.  she has had some major rough spots in her life when i ached and cried nightly for her in years past.  and now the roles have reversed.  it’s her turn to ache for me and cry for me.  and i know she has and will continue to. 

i have made it most clear to her these past weeks that i didn’t want her to feel bad about her still being able to birth healthy babies.  i have made it clear to her that i am still so excited for her and her family that they get to welcome these new boys into their sweet, deserving  family.  i was being really sincere when i said i didn’t want her to hold back or feel bad when she announced the births on her blog.  i really meant it when i told her i wanted to know all the details and that i was so overjoyed for her.  i really am happy for her.  really, i’m not just saying that.

but today when i read on someone else’s blog that my good friend was going to be having her babies TODAY (even though she’s not due for nearly a month), i admit i had to take a deep breath.  i wasn’t quite prepared for the onslaught of emotions that hit me.  the overwhelming sadness that selfishly filled my heart.  i had to remind myself how happy i am for her.  even though i’m so sad for me.

and, now i sit here and wait for her happy news and try to hold back my tears for myself.  and, i admit, it’s harder than i thought it would be.  i have no ill feelings toward my friend- or her much-loved and anticipated babies.  i truly am happy for her.

i don’t want to take away from her joy in any way, shape, or form.  i don’t want her to feel guilty.  i don’t even want her to feel bad for me {though i know she can’t help it}.  but i can still be sad for myself- right?   i can still acknowledge that’s it’s harder than i thought it would be- even though i’m still absolutely thrilled for her.  can i feel both of those emotions at once? 

in a way, i’m really looking forward to these babies being born now and not that first week of december.  it’s almost another milestone for me to get to:  her babies being born.  i’ve been anticipating her births nearly as much as my own.  it might be the last step before i actually confront that december 11th date of my own.  so maybe it’s another step in my healing.  and maybe it’s ok to be conflicted with feelings of both pain and joy. 

so, through mixed tears of both sadness for myself and immense joy for my friend, i sincerely congratulate my good friend and wish her all the blessings of strength and balance and sleep and love that she’s going to need in the coming weeks, months and years to lovingly and gracefully step into her new role- as a mother to twin boys and 4 other adorable children. 

and i wish myself those same blessings.  good luck to us. 

p.s.  if there was ever a time that i better hear about this birth from you, S, before i hear about it from my mom, this is it.  good luck with that, too. 

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