that tuesday

october 13, 2009

the next morning, tuesday, was a busy one.  so busy that i made the decision i didn’t have time to shower before i left the house (something i would regret later as i didn’t end up getting to shower for several more days).  i was supposed to make dinner that night and needed to buy a special sauce at applebee’s.  applebee’s didn’t open until 11, but i had other things i needed to get done so i carefully arranged my morning with errands starting with albertsons that was open 24 hours, then target which opened at 8 am for halloween costumes for the boys, costco in woodinville for christmas items and gas, which opened at 10, then to ross for more halloween accessories, kirkland costco to pick up a prescription, cash and carry to waste more money on halloween candy (you see why i dread halloween?), and finally to applebee’s to pick up what i actually NEEEDED that day.  funny, how i really thought i was capable of having all that done by noon. 

i remember exactly the place i was standing in woodinville target when i was prompted by the spirit that my baby had still not moved.  i almost dropped what i was holding.  my heart sank, and i immediately felt that something was wrong.  i called my doctor while still standing paralyzed in that aisle.  i was instantly emotional and the nurse (rachelle) reassured me that everything would be ok.  it was about 10:30.  she told me they had an opening at noon for a non-stress test.  could i make it in by then?

i told her i would be there.  she suggested i eat something with sugar to get the baby excited to move.  ray and i quickly finished up with our purchase at target and headed further north to costco.  i was suddenly not in the mood to finish this errand, but i went ahead with it anyway because i knew at the very least that i needed to eat something.  a slice of pizza and a berry smoothie:  that’s what i hoped would stimulate my baby to move.

we finished up at costco rather quickly.  and i still had an hour to kill before my doctor’s appointment.  i got on the freeway to head towards the hospital.  i found myself an emotional wreck.  i called damon to have him reassure me that i was getting worked up over nothing.  he didn’t answer.  i called aimee s.- who didn’t answer either.  i think i called brooke and then mandy- who finally answered.  by this point, i was bawling.  trying to get myself to the hospital. 

mandy quickly reassured me that everything would be ok.  she asked where i was and i told her i was on the 405, headed to the hospital.  she helped calm me down a bit and then damon called through on the other line so i got off with mandy.  damon also tried to reassure me.  he asked if i wanted him to meet me at the hospital.  i thought that was silly for him to miss work so i declined.  i told him i would call him after my doctor’s appointment to let him know things were OK.

i tried to distract myself by still stopping at ross and famous footwear, but it felt absolutely ridiculous to be out looking for black converse for elli when i was so concerned about the life inside me.  i decided to just go to my doctor’s appointment early.  i felt better being in the doctor’s office, knowing that i was finally where i should be.  knowing that i would be reassured momentarily.

i waited in the waiting room for about half an hour before i was taken back to a non-stress-test room.  when the nurse finally got me hooked up to the machine, i breathed a huge sigh of relief when i heard a heartbeat.  it didn’t seem that odd to me that the heartbeat was not registering on the equipment.  we could still hear it.  the nurse fussed with the equipment for several minutes before she went and got someone else to help her troubleshoot the machine.  why was the heartbeat not registering on the machine when we could so clearly hear his heart beating?  it was probably just a technical issue. 

when that second person couldn’t figure it out, a mid-wife was brought in.  she got a hand-held doppler out to listen and again confirmed that the baby had a heartbeat, but she admitted the heartbeat sounded different- maybe a little fast.  she left and returned with an ob-gyn, dr. shoemate, who brought in a portable ultrasound machine to look at the baby. 

dr. shoemate was silent while looking at my baby on the ultrasound.  i hate silent ultrasounds.  i believe the only words he said- over and over- were “wow.  that is really fast.  his heart is beating really fast.  i mean really, really fast.  i’ve never seen this before.” 

me:  “ but his heart is beating- right?  that means he’s alive?” 

dr. shoemate:  “don’t be concerned, but  you need to get yourself over to labor and delivery triage right away”

at this point, mandy shows up unexpectedly at my doctor’s office, with snacks in hand and ready to take ray away- who is bored out of his mind. 

mandy, ray, and asher (mandy’s 3-year-old) walked with me over to labor and delivery triage.  i was still very naive.  i felt so [falsely] reassured by that heartbeat that i was actually a little giddy about getting sent to labor and delivery.  this meant i could have a baby today!  really, i could think of a million reasons why i didn’t want to have my baby that day,  but in a strange way it was also exciting.  it was on my walk over to labor and delivery that it occurred to me that damon should be here with me now.   i called him, and he was on his way.

i was quickly made to feel like a patient and given a hospital gown and hooked up to machines to take an echocardiogram of the baby’s heart and to do an in-depth ultrasound. 

there was about a 20-minute time period before damon arrived that pregnant mandy with her 3-year-old and my 5-year-old was assumed to be my “partner”.  the nurse was dancing around that for a bit before i realized what she assumed about my relationship with mandy, and i reassured her that we were not a couple; that my actual husband was on his way.  a little comic relief. 

it was at this point, that my high risk doctor’s office (maternal-fetal medicine, dr. gavrila) was notified of my admittance to the hospital.  they wanted control, but because of politics of me already being admitted as a patient at the hospital, there were some problems. 

maternal-fetal won me, and i was wheeled inside an underground tunnel between the hospital and dr. gavrila’s office, where i would have a high-risk perinatologist (dr. kline- since dr. gavrila was out of town and would not be available until the following day) be making my medical decisions.  

damon is now by my side; mandy has taken ray away, and- while i am still reassured that there is simply a heartbeat, i am beginning to feel the intensity of the situation. 

there was so much waiting and studying the ultrasound findings and waiting and wondering why everything is happening so slowly if my baby is really in danger.  i totally trusted my doctors, but it was really hard to wait.  this is when i really started to bond with my nurses (dr. gavrila’s megan and the hospital’s audrey).  they were so great to me.  it was also great to have damon there holding my hand.  i was not emotional or panicked, just concerned for my baby. 

after this ultrasound, i was wheeled on my hospital bed- outside and across the street, this time- back to labor and delivery.  this is when dr. kline told me that my baby was basically on life support inside my body.  my placenta was the only thing keeping my baby alive.  she told us our baby was in very serious condition, just barely clinging to life.  but she offered us hope and told us she felt it absolutely necessary to give digoxin (a drug to slow down the heart rate of the baby) directly to the baby via amniocentesis.  that word scared me a bit.  but i was more than willing to overcome that fear, in hopes that it would save my baby. 

it was a very strange feeling to sense that needle moving through my body and into my baby’s body, which was living inside me.  i absolutely felt the needle cross into my uterus and get pushed into my baby’s bottom.  truly amazing (and painful).   it was such a great feeling, though, to feel like i was finally doing something to make a difference to my baby’s life and not just sitting there waiting to find out what was wrong with him. 

i don’t have any idea what amount of time passed up until this point.  i think i was told that i would be staying overnight- at the very least- and someone brought me my laptop and some things from home.  i updated my blog and FB status and asked for prayers in our behalf.  I think i also called my sister, brooke, at this point and told her that something was wrong with my baby and would she please let all of our siblings and my mom know.  I also received a priesthood blessing from damon and steve gasser.  i don’t remember what was said in that blessing, but i don’t remember ever thinking that my baby would be miraculously saved or promised that he would live.

it was decided that damon would stay with me and mandy would figure out what to do with our kids- who may have come to say good night to me that night?  my friends, brett and aimee came to visit me that night.  they were the ones who first exposed me to costco’s chocolates around the world (ray: “hey!  these are the chocolates i wanted for my birthday!”).  it was during this visit, that i felt the baby move.  it was very rhythmic- like the hiccups, but quicker.  brett and aimee (who have both recently given birth) were able to feel it also.  it was undeniable and gave me so much hope. [when i asked dr. gavrila about this later, he told me it very possibly could have been the baby having a seizure- and that’s probably what was happening in my bath the previous day also.  that’s why the movements were undeniable, but still struck me as odd.]

those were some strange moments in the hospital.  i was a patient, but i didn’t feel like one.  i was not in any pain, and i was not in labor.  it felt bizarre to be treated like a patient.  i was healthy, but i had an i.v. line, multiple sensors hooked up to my chest to monitor my own heart, a blood pressure cuff, monitors around my tummy to keep tabs on the baby’s heartrate.  it was a chore, to say the least, just to use the bathroom.  ridiculous.  but i never questioned anything that was done to me, knowing it was my body that could potentially save my baby.

that first night in the hospital was weird.  it was weird because i was so concerned about the health of my baby, but i couldn’t really voice that.  damon and i were almost living separate lives in the hospital.  he was physically there with me and never left my side, but i didn’t really feel like talking.  i was scared to express what i was really feeling and fearing.  i wanted to stay positive and didn’t want to to dwell on my fears.  damon and i actually avoided talking about the baby.  it turns out he was unaware of the real danger and truly thought our biggest concern was having a pre-mature baby.  i knew it was a matter of life or death.  i so desperately wanted to chalk those fears up to pregnancy paranoia, but something inside of me knew better.  i believe i was being slowly prepared for each bit of news as it came.  i know my Heavenly Father was setting the stage for me- in a way that would help me feel like i had done everything possible to fight for the life of my unborn child and- at the same time- accept that it was His will. 

i received more medication via my i.v. in my baby’s behalf this night and 2 shots in my own bum to help mature the baby’s lungs in case he was born early.  i slept in bits and pieces that night- both out of discomfort from all the things happening to me and out of stress and fear for my baby. 

i do remember being so grateful for my attentive nurses.  because of the strong side affects of the drugs i was given for calvin’s heart, i had to be on the 5th floor (instead of the 2nd floor where labor and delivery was) where heart patients were.  being on a separate floor from where i naturally should have been (labor and delivery) presented some unique problems that my nurses and doctors were trying to resolve my entire 5-day hospital visit.  i ended up changing rooms/floors 3 different times because i was such a unique patient:  a heart patient who could give birth at any moment and need to be rushed to the O.R., and then a post-partum patient who didn’t have a baby and shouldn’t be on the post-partum floor. 

i had 2 nurses:  one for me and my heart and one for calvin and his heart.  my nurse was able to watch my progress from the nurse’s station.  she only came into my room to check my vitals and give me medication and things.  because calvin’s heartrate was so high, it was not registering on the equipment so the labor/delivery  nurse had to stay at my bedside, round the clock, to listen and count his heartbeat manually.  an exhausting job.  but it brought me so much comfort to know that someone was watching my baby so closely, and i didn’t have to worry that they wouldn’t know if something went wrong.  every single one of my labor and delivery nurses was so faithful and comforting.  undoubtedly, i have such strong emotions and ties with them because they never left my side. 

of all the people in my life that love me and were there at calvin’s graveside service, it was 2 of my nurses that showed up that day that touched me the most.  i knew and expected my family and best friends to be there, but when i saw becca and megan i was overwhelmed with love and gratitude once again for those remarkably special nurses that i grew to love in those 5 long days in the hospital.

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