that monday

[i am trying to document every detail that i can remember regarding my experience relating to calvin’s birth/death.  i spent the better part of today on the computer desperately trying to get it all down.  the information is outrageously lengthy and still incomplete.  i will hopefully get through the entire account in the next couple days, but i’ll be posting it in pieces]  this is part one:

3 weeks ago, my life changed. 

i don’t remember much of the week before that monday, october 12.  what i remember about that week was that i suddenly felt more pregnant than i’d felt thus far.  my back was hurting, i was having a harder time sleeping, i was a little down, my varicose veins were really throbbing, and just not feeling like my usual self.  it was a really physically tiring week for me.  but, i was in my 32nd week of pregnancy so it was expected. 

that monday, after staying up way too late on sunday night and not sleeping very well anyway, i slept almost the entire day.  weird for me.  weird that i actually SLEPT and didn’t just lay on my bed trying to sleep. 

i didn’t have the energy to shower, and i ended up taking a bath right smack in the middle of the day.  i shaved my legs while i was in the bath and remember thinking that- because of how awkward it is to shave while pregnant and how much i loathe shaving anyway- i should update my FB account with “i think i may have shaved my legs for the last time before giving birth- and it’s not because i’ll be having this baby any time soon”.  haunting.

i was in the bath when the kids got home from school.  another weird thing to be taking a relaxing bath in the middle of the day.  something significant about this bath was that i distinctly remember watching the water ripple in response to slight movement from my belly.  i remember noticing the movement, but thinking it was odd that there weren’t sudden bursts of kicking. 

i remember feeling bad for damon because i hadn’t really been focusing on his needs at all that week.  it’s hard to be pregnant, but it’s also hard to be married to someone who’s pregnant.  i was crafting a blogpost in my head that was dedicated to damon and what things he has to put up with just because i’m pregnant.  things like my hot new accessories of compression stockings and my “chastity belt” (my huge velcro maternity support belt), my lovely “wormy” feeling varicose veins on the back of my left knee, and- damon’s personal favorite- me falling asleep before the kids are even in bed.  and the complaining, all that complaining we do as pregnant women.  as much physical discomfort as i was in, i was truly feeling bad for what damon puts up with.

about the only thing i did do that day was plan a Family Home Evening lesson using this inspiring talk.  and it was a great, simple lesson.  things i feel very strongly about:  showing love, living what you teach and believe, and being consistent.  we told our kids we wanted to be a consistent family- even when it got hard. 

the next thing i remember was sitting in bed with damon that night.  i’m sure i was on my laptop, and i casually mentioned to him that it had just occurred to me that i couldn’t remember the last time i felt the baby move.  odd, but not really that big of a deal at this point.  i turned on my side, shook my belly, talked to the baby, trying to get him to respond- and then reassured myself that i would be feeling him move at any time and not to worry.  after all, i was confident i’d seen him move the water in the bathtub earlier in the day.  this knowledge was what eventually set my mind at ease.

damon and i went on to have a conversation about death.  it was not a paranoid conversation or even a light-hearted one.  we very calmly discussed what we would do, should our baby die.  we wondered if we would even name him- if so, do we intentionally choose a name that we know we wouldn’t want to use in the future?  would it really matter what we named him?  would we bury him?  how do people go through all that?  that’s such a strange concept to have to think about those things. 

i remember thinking “should i call the doctor or go to the ER?” Is this the Spirit prompting me to do something?  I really thought about that and felt pretty clearly that, no, i did not need to do that.  and, on that note, i fell asleep- expecting to feel that baby move at any time during the night.  i didn’t feel anxious at all.  i also remember waking up 2 times during the night to use the bathroom- and being aware that i still felt no movement. 

but had i ever felt movement in the middle of the night?  i wasn’t sure i had. 

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