tenderhearted

the conversation started with this question:

Nolan:  mom, am i your favorite kid?

me:  absolutely.

N:  [tearing up]:  but emma told me you said she was your favorite.

me:  let me tell you a little secret, nolan:  I tell every child that they are my favorite- because they are.

N: You do?  Oh.  so emma’s right AND i’m right?

me:  yes.

and then…

N:  mom, i’m sad because i think what elli and emma gave you for mother’s day is better than what i got you.

me:  i love what you gave me.  it’s one of my favorite gifts.  i know that you did your very best.

N:  i gave you all that i have.  i wanted you to know how much i love you.  like if i had $5000 and i just bought you whatever gift you wanted and then just gave it to you and didn’t even give you a hug or tell you i love you then that wouldn’t be very good.  so i wanted you to know that i love you and give you lots of hugs and show you that i love you and give you all that i could- and not just buy you something.  plus i didn’t have very much money.

wow.  this kid’s for real.  he really does love me and he shows me- all the time. 

and then we went on to talk about how he still wanted to catch a leprechaun (more tears) and he needed his friend’s dad’s help to build a robotic leprechaun trap because that’s what was missing from his…

and how he wanted so badly to be a grown-up or at least a teenager so that he could leave the house whenever he wanted because he was getting so “used to” this house and he wants to buy the house across the street that’s for sale because it has a real upstairs and that’s what he really wants.  can we please buy it?….

[really sobbing now] and how he felt really bad for me that i needed to go through so much pain to bring another baby into this world.  and how badly he wanted to be there with me when the baby was born, but he didn’t think he’d be able to see me in so much pain and oh the guilt he felt about not being there for me in my time of need…

and how sad it would be if mommy’s went to war and died and who would take care of her children and who would even know that she died?  [lots more tears]…

and how the pink ceramic heart plate he gave me for mother’s day might not even be the one he made just for me because he was pretty sure he painted his blue, but his teacher told him this one was his.  and his initials were on it, but “i don’t think it’s mine, mom”…

and then he asked me again if he was my favorite child and i reassured him that yes, he was.  and he smiled.  and the tears stopped.  and he asked to watch star wars before he went to bed.  and i said yes again. 

and then i laid in my very laid-in-spot in my bed and marveled at what a tenderhearted, loving son i was blessed with.  and i felt loved and appreciated on mother’s day- even without that $5000 gift that i never got. 

sometimes, he really is my favorite. 

[no pictures today, but i’ll post pictures of “all that nolan had to give me” and more tomorrow- if i feel like it]

Technorati Tags: mother's day,nolan