sunday chats

yesterday, quite by accident, i stumbled upon an idea that seemed promising of improving our family.  it started with an inspired conversation with our oldest daughter.  in our bedroom.  with the door locked. 

and it was enjoyable.  we discussed very important matters.  and also laughed and ate jelly-bellies (of the juicy pear variety that damon received for valentine’s day).  damon talked.  and elli and i listened.  and i talked and elli and damon listened.  and elli talked and damon and i listened.  it was nice.  {except for the parts where the other kids were banging on the door wondering why elli got to be in there and they didn’t}

and so it started.  i asked nolan if he was interested in having a chat with just me and him and dad.  in our room.  with the door locked.  and he did.  he wasn’t sure why he did, but he knew that he absolutely wanted a turn just like elli had gotten.  he was pretty darn excited.

so i asked him to make a sign-up sheet for anyone else that wanted a turn to talk with us.  damon was confused.  “how long was this going to take?,” he wondered.  “what do we need to talk to all of our kids about?”  and the question that he didn’t actually ask, but i knew he was thinking (or maybe just assumed because it’s what I was thinking), “but when am i going to be able to take a nap?”  i didn’t really know the answers to those questions, but i did know enough to know that it really wouldn’t matter.  i knew the gaps would be filled in easily enough.  without any effort from me or damon.  and i was right.

pretty soon, the sign-up sheet was filled up.  some of the kids had even signed up multiple times [which we quickly put the kabosh on].  and each child waited (not so) patiently outside our door until it was their turn. 

after damon’s expressed concern that he didn’t know why we were doing this, he came up with the following questions right off the top of his head.  he asked each of the children these same questions:

1.  What is something that we are doing as parents that you wish we would stop doing?

2.  What is something that that we aren’t doing as parents that you would like us to start doing?

3.  What is something that we are doing as parents that you like- and would like us to continue doing?

4.  What is something that YOU are doing that you would like to stop doing?

5.  What is something that YOU aren’t doing that you would like to start doing?

6.  What is something that YOU are currently doing, that you feel good about and want to continue doing?

and their answers were pretty telling.  this is what they said:

Ellison:

1.  parents stop:  yelling at me
2.  parents start:  I don’t know
3. parents continue:  buying me jelly bellies
4.  Ellison stop:  I don’t know
5.  Ellison start:  saving money
6.  Ellison continue:  shopping

Emma:

1. parents stop:  yelling at us/squeezing my leg when i’m not listening
2.  parents start:  having family prayer before we go to bed
3. parents continue:  reading the scriptures together as a family at breakfast
4.  Emma stop:  picking on Savannah/responding rudely to elli
5.  Emma start:   reading scriptures/brushing teeth before bed
6.  Emma continue:  saying my personal prayers

Nolan:
(his original agenda was to tell us all about how funny the movie Aliens in the Attic was.  he was practically in tears laughing at all the parts of the hilarious movie.  after he was done telling us all about the movie, he asked if we had anything we wanted to talk about… )

1.  parents stop:  “I can’t think of anything
2.  parents start:  being nicer
3. parents continue:  sunday chats
4.  Nolan stop:  being mean to Ray and Savannah
5.  Nolan start:   being nice to Ray and Savannah
6.  Nolan continue:  helping the recess teachers at school

Savannah:
(after she told us about 5 jokes that didn’t make any sense, she also answered these same questions)

1.  parents stop:  hanging up silly pictures (children’s notes/artwork) in our bedroom
2.  parents start: making dinner
3. parents continue:  sunday chats
4.  Savannah stop:  “doing nothing”
5.  Savannah start:   playing
6.  Savannah continue:  ??

Ray:
(his original agenda for scheduling a “chat” was to tell us that he wanted a million dollars for his birthday and all the things he would buy with a million dollars.  my favorite part was that he simply wanted to buy a big lego set at the lego store and give the lady at the store the million dollars and let her keep the rest so she would be happy}

1.  parents stop:  yelling at him when he doesn’t listen after we tell him to get his clothes on.
2.  parents start:  buying him the large container of jelly bellies at costco
3. parents continue:  making yummy breakfasts
4.  Ray stop:  pushing/hitting
5.  Ray start:  listening
6.  Ray continue:  staying in hotels

and by the time the afternoon was done (and damon’s juicy pear confections were also no more), damon and i thought we had spent our afternoon pretty wisely.  the kids were thrilled that they each had a private audience of their parents.  and we were thrilled that we had suggestions from each of our kids about how we could be better parents. 

now, if damon would just work on his {bad} habit of yelling at the kids…