weaknesses

we all know i love damon- right?  



and i think everyone assumes it’s because he’s perfect.  because he does everything right.  but he’s not.  and he doesn’t. 

he makes mistakes just like i do.  sometimes he does really stupid things that hurt me.  really stupid.  sometimes i am surprised at some of the decisions he makes- because they don’t align with who i know him to be.  and, most of the time, i have to remind myself that he doesn’t do things because he is trying to hurt me. 

we all make mistakes.  i make (very selfish) mistakes daily.  some of them are really debilitating for me.  some of them baffle me.  all of them frustrate me.  why would i keep doing something that i knowingly feel is wrong or unnecessary or is making me unhappy?  i wish i had the courage to make different choices in my life- instead of doing the same stupid things over and over.  perpetuating bad habits in myself and setting a bad example for my children.

damon is full of faults, too.  but he is so very aware of his weaknesses and intentionally works hard- daily- to overcome them.  he is a fighter.  he is diligent in his efforts to do better.  to learn from his mistakes.  to consistently try to do better.  to change.  to be the person that he wants to be and that we need him to be in our family.   and it does not come easy for him.  some days it is grueling work.  some days he struggles. 

he is an example to me of how to keep plugging along, even when you feel crappy about yourself and you are beyond frustrated with mistakes you continue to make.  he never gives up.  he gives me hope that i can change things about myself that i never thought i could—if i want it bad enough and am willing to work hard enough.

damon is far from perfect.  but i would rather be married to someone who has faults and weaknesses- and is consciously striving to do better everyday- than to be married to someone who rarely makes mistakes.  we have learned more from our weaknesses in our marriage than we have from our strengths.  we are better parents because of our weaknesses.  and, undeniably, we are better spouses to each other because of our weaknesses. 

looking forward a few years into elli’s impending teenage years, a part of me wants to protect her from all the stupid decisions she’s about to make.  all the same choices (and more) that i came across at her age.  i want to smooth the way for her and make sure she doesn’t make the same mistakes i made when i was her age.   but then i have to remind myself that i am who i am today because of mistakes i made in my youth.  because of lessons i was forced to learn the hard way.  while it will be painful to watch her make bad choices, i have to remind myself that i wouldn’t change my experience as a teenager, if given the choice.  i learned valuable life lessons from my mistakes.  and i wouldn’t want to rob her of those opportunities, painful or not.

we have been through some really rough times in our marriage, mostly things caused my our own faults.  but i can honestly say that i wouldn’t go back and change a thing.  just like i wouldn’t change mistakes i made as a teenager.  because we have grown along the way.  we are a much stronger “us” because of the things we’ve learned about ourselves and each other along the way.  we have a lot to learn, but we have come a long way. 

i feel secure in knowing that he loves me for who i am, stupid mistakes included, because he’s been there.  he knows i’m not my faults.  he knows who i really want to become, and he’s willing to help me get there.  i envy his determination and courage and increasing strength to live the life of who he wants to become- even when he’s frustrated with himself personally.  he tries harder and works harder at becoming a better person/spouse/father than anyone i know.

i love damon because of his weaknesses, not in spite of them.