fidelity

we had stake conference this weekend.  this word, fidelity, is the message that was received the most powerfully by me.  fascinating, actually. 

our stake president talked about the meaning of this word.  and not in the context of fidelity in marriage, as it is often used. 

he referenced a talk by David A. Bednar that was given at a CES fireside at BYU-Idaho several months ago, entitled things as they really are.

“the term fidelity denotes the similarity between reality and a representation of reality.”  (david a. bednar)

he talked about how we are misusing our bodies by the way we spend our time, by not allowing our bodies, our SELVES to fully experience the joys and relationships in our lives.  that we are living in a virtual world of video-gaming, texting, blogging, facebooking, surfing the internet, second life, chat rooms, etc.  we are tuning out our real lives to live virtual lives…that don’t matter.  despite the dangers of overusing these media and becoming addicted to any of these things, we are MISSING OUT.  missing out on blessings of real relationships with our spouses, our children, our families, our friends.  we are not seeing things as they really are. 

fascinating to me not because i see other people in my life who are living virtual lives and not appreciating the reality of their REAL lives, but because i see patterns in my own life that i’d like to change.  i see myself missing out on real relationships with my kids and my husband because i need to blog or check my facebook status updates or just don’t feel like being present in the chaos that is my life most days.  and most days, i justify my actions because i think i deserve that time, that break away from my hectic life. 

don’t get me wrong:  there is a definite value to my blogging.  i don’t regret blogging.  i do feel like it is a connection to my siblings (those who choose to read) and my mom- who i don’t talk to that often, and even my children.  and i also feel like facebook can be a valuable resource for connecting with family and others who you wouldn’t normally have the time to communicate with.  and e-mail, well that simplifies my life in so many ways.  and yet, these things have a way of creeping into my life and consuming me in ways that aren’t valuable.  in ways that knock me off balance.

i remember my brother matt told me once [years ago] that we spend so much of our earlier parenting years wanting our kids to leave us alone and be independent- and then when they finally are, when they enter into that time when they want to separate from us, we suddenly want the option to spend time with them.  only they don’t necessarily want to spend time with us.  the irony is brutal. 

i find myself in that situation now with elli.  she has her own life, her own friends, her own interests.  she no longer wants to spend her free time with me or with the family- a natural transition for a {pre-}teen, but hard nonetheless for me.  and it makes me feel, suddenly [and yet not so suddenly at all], like i’ve completely missed out on a real relationship with her- because i was too busy doing other things that didn’t really matter, but i thought mattered at the time.  i regret the time i wasted in previous years not taking advantage of building real relationships with my kids.  because it’s something you can never make up for. 

our stake conference theme was on BALANCE.  something that has always been hard for me- because it’s constant work.  i hate constant work.  i like to check things off my list.  it’s hard to have to look at my life daily and figure out the correct balance each day.  balance in my time with damon, my time with each of my kids, the time i need to run a household properly, and the time i need for myself.  it’s hard.  but it’s something i have a desire to be better at; something i need to work harder at- both for myself and my family. 

the part that struck me the most was that i KNOW that relationships with my kids and husband and family are what really matters in this life.  if there is ONE thing in my life i learned from my dad, it is that PEOPLE matter, RELATIONSHIPS matter.  i KNOW this- and yet i don’t always live my life in such a way that supports this.  that is the infidelity in my own life.

how do you maintain balance in your life?