coming out of a (video-gaming-induced) coma

i have a stockpile of blogposts in my drafts folder.  looking through them today, most of them seem completely outdated and irrelevant to me.  but i remember the days when i started them (and even finished a few of them) and they held a lot of meaning and emotion back then.  i don’t know how many i will actually post, but in thinking about what i could post tonight, this one struck me.

i do not like t.v.  i haven’t followed any tv shows for years.  i don’t mind when my kids watch a show or 2 before bedtime, but it irks me (man, i sound like my mom!) when they turn the tv on in the middle of the day and just sit there and watch tv.  there’s nothing that is more annoying to me when i come home from an errand to find my house a mess and my kids glued to the tv.  or the computer.  or a video game.  my blood boils.

i have tried to limit the amount of time they are in front of media.  i am [*completely*] opposed to nintendo ds’s and personal gaming devices.  do we really need MORE opportunities for our kids to just veg out?  i am not completely opposed to gaming period; i just can’t stand the kid who can’t cope unless he is gaming.  i would much rather have my kids playing legos or jumping on the trampoline or reading or really doing just about anything else other than mindlessly gaming or watching tv.

so it was a huge disappointment to me when i let all of that go out the window after calvin died.  suddenly, i didn’t care how much time my kids wasted in front of the tv or computer, particularly ray.  i was actually grateful that something other than me occupied their minds.  i foolishly let ray play on the computer and on the wii and xbox as much as he wanted.  and he wanted.  he could entertain himself for hours while the kids were at school.  while i slept.  or wrote.  or avoided.  ray would eagerly come tuck me back into bed after the older kids all left for school so he could spend the rest of the day on the computer.  he even got himself his own lunch most days.  i thought i had it good:  the opportunity to take advantage of my son not needing me all throughout the day.  i began to depend on him being entertained by all this stuff i’d tried so hard to keep my boys from becoming obsessed with.  and now my boy was totally hooked- and i didn’t even care.  yes, it bugged me.  but not enough to do anything about it. 

a couple months before school got out, i slowly began to reclaim my life.  and my son.  i started to take back the time that i’d let him waste for so many months (while i wasted mine).  it was hard at first.  he loves those games.  it took a lot of effort on my part to bring him back.  i had to offer him something better:  his mom. 

it was at this point that i wrote the following post:

***my sidekick is back. 

or rather, i am back for my sidekick.

i’ve been gone a while.  did you know?  i’m not even sure i knew i was gone.  but now i’m back.   

some of the things i am happy to have reclaimed with my sidekick:

• having him ask me personal questions and know that he cares
• ray squatting on my bathroom countertop while i get ready in the morning (instead of just getting back in bed)
• playing card games with ray’s special rules for hours on end
• reading books with my buddy
• ray wanting to run errands with me instead of being annoyed because he’s had to leave his game
• ray wanting to be with me instead of eagerly shoving me out the door so he can guiltlessly waste his time away with media

some days it’s hard to be back, but most days the reward of having my son want to spend time with me again is worth it.***

back to today, the end of july.  ray and nolan still play more games than i would like, but i am different.  [my children’s] gaming is no longer a crutch for me.  i am more available to my children than i have been in months.  it makes me cry just thinking about how unavailable i was for so many months.  i’m so happy to be “back.”

*i totally get the need/want for a nintendo ds on a road trip or while needing to keep your kid entertained in a quiet way in a specific setting.  the “completely” opposed part is when kids are playing with them at the park or when friends are together or in other social situations where kids should be playing.