not right.

this is probably the most political i ever let my thoughts go.  which is weird.  it shouldn’t even be a political matter.  that in itself is not right.

life.

i’ve been thinking about this very topic a lot lately. 

after calvin died, there were several instances where the fact that he took a breath outside of my womb was critical information. 

we were told how “lucky” we were that because he breathed life, it would make things so much more clear and it would be easier to fill out paperwork and forms regarding his death.  because he was classified as a living human being.  he has a birth certificate and a death certificate. 

i did indeed feel very blessed that he took 3 breaths before he passed.  it did seem to make a difference.  his life insurance policy was valid only because he took a breath.  we felt so lucky at this seemingly small detail:  that he took a breath after he was born.

it even made a difference on our taxes.  i was able to claim my son as a dependent because he was born in the 2009 tax year and lived (outside my body) if only for a moment. 

when i first read those lines on my 1040 instructions, my eyes filled with tears.  (who knew tax documents could cause tears of joy?)  the financial aspect of it was simply a bonus, but what really caused the tears was the validation that my son was a real person.  even the IRS recognized that.  that was definitely a moment for me. 

and i almost posted about how much that meant to me.  that simple wording of being considered a person of our household (if only for the 2009 tax year) simply because he lived only for a moment.  i was ecstatic.  it was such a big deal to me that the IRS, in some small way, validated my loss.  i wanted to e-mail my friend who lost her baby a few months before calvin died to make sure she was aware. 

but i’m glad i didn’t. 

because it suddenly and shockingly occurred to me sometime last week that while i was lucky that my son took 3 breaths outside of my body, other women weren’t blessed with those same circumstances.  like my friend who lost her baby girl just a few months before i lost calvin.  only her daughter was stillborn.  and even though her daughter lived for nearly 2 months longer (inside her mom’s body) than calvin was alive inside me, she is not given the same benefits as calvin because she died just days (or maybe moments) before her body exited her mother’s womb. 

and it’s not right. 

how can krista’s baby or kami’s baby- that lived for 2 months longer than my calvin- not be considered a real life?  why does it matter that they didn’t breathe outside of the womb?  they were alive.  as alive as anyone can be. 

it kills me that their babies are not recognized by insurance companies and the government and the IRS {and possibly even some people} as a living human being- simply because they never took a breath outside of their mother’s bodies.  it’s so unfair. 

having life inside you for 9 months only to have it end so tragically as a stillbirth and then having someone define that as not real?  it’s ridiculous.  it’s painful.  it’s sickening.  it’s an extra kick in the gut while you’re already down.  and it makes me hurt for other women who weren’t as “lucky” as me. 

it’s not right.