it’s 1:40 in the afternoon. and the most notable things i have done this morning were taking a shower and eating lunch. yay me. i find myself in an unusual place: confused and unhappy about how the previous few days have gone. i can’t pinpoint exactly what it is that i’m feeling or what exactly i’m unhappy about, but i just feel blah.
after having an exhausting or downer day, i am usually able to pick up the pieces and anxiously move onto the next day. which are almost always better.
but not this week. the bad days seem to be piling up.
i can’t help but wonder if i am enabling myself to feel this way day after day because i can justify it. i can never be sure if it’s my hormones or thyroid or grief that is taking me to a lonely place in my head and heart that i really don’t want to be. or if that mindset (that it’s justified and there’s nothing i can do to stop it so i may as well feel it and experience it and hold on for the ride) is only perpetuating the heavy feelings i’m experiencing.
will everything from here on out always point back to calvin? am i going to end up like nolan and blame every tear and frustration on the fact that my heart is simply broken because calvin died? am i more frustrated with savannah because calvin died? am i a bad mom who yells at her kids because calvin died? am i annoyed that emma borrowed my good tweezers and didn’t return them because calvin died? did i go back to bed this morning and waste my entire day- again- because calvin died? can i not get anything worthwhile done because calvin died? i don’t want that out. i don’t want to blame all of my frustrations and shortcomings and emotions that life brings on this one big thing.
how do i experience and take in the hard days while still getting stronger and allowing myself to experience and anticipate the good days, too?
i don’t know. and that adds to the cycle.
some days, i feel like i’m doing awesome. i’m amazed at my strength. at how well i’m doing. at the miraculous things that my body and heart and mind are capable of. at how much God has blessed me with. i feel like i’ve gotten over the hardest parts.
other days, i feel like this. unable to pinpoint why i’m crying. why it takes everything i have (and more) to simply not yell at my kids. why i’ve barely kept the dishwasher loaded all week, without touching the rest of my kitchen. why i’d rather stay in bed all day just because it seems easier than getting up and facing my life. and it makes me wonder if i haven’t even gotten to the hardest parts yet.
how much control do i really have on this emotional roller coaster? and how long is the ride going to be? please don’t tell me for the rest of my life.
surely, it can only get better from here. right?
post- edit i think i have identified my greatest frustration from the past few days’ disappointments: i feel guilty when i tell myself it’s ok that i’m yelling at my kids because i’m having a hard time. i feel guilty when i tell myself it’s ok that i am more visibly frustrated with savannah because she can’t get something that should be so easy (even though it’s nothing new and not surprising) because i’m having a hard time.
acting and reacting in a way that i’m not proud of is one thing when i recognize my negative behaviors and am accountable for them. but it’s entirely another {frustrating} thing when i recognize those bad behaviors and justify them…just because i’m grieving or hormonal or whatever. i could justify them for the rest of my life. and that’s not what i want. i don’t want that double standard there. i need to figure out a way to express my emotions- which are absolutely valid- in a way that aligns with the mother and person that i want to be. that will not be easy. but now that i have identified it, i can be more aware and not be as frustrated with myself.
and i feel better and more in control already. whew.
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