chill.

it’s a word that’s been thrown around a lot this past week.

and not even from elli’s teenaged mouth.

[-ed] it’s how I felt the first 2 days I was home from the hospital.

it’s how I feel right before my body goes into shock and my teeth start chattering.

and it’s madsen’s take on nursing and getting his diaper changed and taking a bath with his brothers and being passed from sibling to sibling’s friend to sibling again and having several doctors check out his nether region- trying to reduce an inguinal hernia (that was mis-diagnosed and ended up being a hydrocele) and getting immunized and his heel pricked for PKU testing and pretty much his take on life.

it could be his middle name.

the boy is chill. 

period.

 

final pregnancy pics:

 

we love chill. 

I love that I am not the sole baby calmer in this house.  anyone is capable of keeping him content and calm.

I love that I am married to a master swaddler who has skills more powerful than my own bag of tricks.

I love that every single one of my children is in love with their new brother- even though some of them were hoping for a sister.

I love that his hands always find his way into his mouth or his face- just like in his ultrasound pictures.

I love that my little babe loves to snuggle with me so much that I’m actually the one who is continuously waking up in the middle of the night, wondering when he will wake up and need me. 

I love that damon shares in the feeding responsibilities because madsen is not eating enough and having a hard time gaining weight- even though that means I have to pump.

I love that because madsen is so chill it has allowed my body the time it’s needed to heal and rest.

I love having a newborn in our home once again. 

 

getting ready for surgery:

I’ll spare you the pics from the surgery and move right into the moments after surgery:

Madsen James Barry

born:  April 7, 2011

8:45 a.m.

8 lbs 1 oz

Madsen inspired by Truman G. Madsen

James after my mom’s father and my brother Chad

c-section tidbits:

• since elli was at ray’s birth, emma was promised the opportunity to be at calvin’s birth- which didn’t happen.  so she got to come to madsen’s birth.  not quite the same as attending and being part of a natural birth, but special nonetheless. 
• it was very surreal to drive to the hospital TO HAVE A BABY and not be in labor.
• it was a beautiful experience- all the way around.  there was no sadness or horrible reminders of calvin’s birth.  reminders, yes; but sweet ones
• one of my 2 favorite nurses (the other was out of town) arranged to be there for this delivery as well.  having becca there was a nice full-circle moment for me.
• I was in a different operating room than I was with calvin.  a lot of memories of calvin’s birth and the circumstances surrounding it trickled in as I was being prepped for madsen’s c-section.  I was in a completely different frame of mind this time, much more present and relaxed (though still scared) and not as out-of-body strange like it was with calvin.
• the surgeon who assisted dr. g was the same surgeon who assisted for calvin’s c-section (though I didn’t know he was there; dr. g told me).
• dr. g removed calvin’s scar completely (bittersweet, maybe?) and gave me an entirely new ospenpop.  the smell of (my own) burning flesh is something I hope I will never have to experience again.
• my friend, mandy, was in the delivery room with us to take pictures.  emma waited outside the delivery room until madsen was born and then swapped places with mandy (I could only have 2 guests with me in the operating room at a time). 
• damon was the one who announced the gender, followed by a very excited dr. g also announcing it was a boy.
• emma was the first of her siblings to know she had a brother.  she also had the privilege and responsibility of announcing the news to others, which proved to be pretty tricky as we were trying to make sure all the siblings knew we had a boy before anyone outside the family knew (and told them).  we had a lot of people waiting on our news and probably still left some holes.
• I have never been so relieved and thrilled to see a screaming baby before.  the tears were immediate.
• the first thing I noticed about my new son was how alive and healthy and real he was.
• the second thing I noticed was how round and fluffy his cheeks were.

 

meeting the gang:

the recovery:

• wasn’t as easy as calvin’s, but wasn’t too bad. 
• the worst part- for sure- was the stupid gas pains in my upper shoulder.  that was the pain that eventually had me in tears.  the pain that really couldn’t be remedied by any drugs- only time.
• the itching from the anesthesia was probably a close second.  I’m not sure why I held off of the anti-itching medication for so long, but I would have definitely taken that sooner if I’d known what a difference it’d make.
• the hospital bed was horribly uncomfortable and sweaty.  I’ve never been so ready to be discharged from the hospital after giving birth.  usually, I like to stick around for as long as possible to benefit from the perks of being a patient. 
• the room I was in was very different than the room I stayed in after calvin was born.  the change was nice.  at least one of my nurses told me that she was working the day calvin was born and that she helped another nurse take his pictures as mementos for me and that she distinctly remembered calvin.  that was awesome to hear.  the nurse’s name was emily.
• is made so much easier when I have 6 extra pairs of willing hands at home.  I can’t imagine trying to recover from a c-section and still having needy toddlers to take care of. 
• I still miss being able to take a bath.
• while I have cut back my medications by more than half, I am still taking blood pressure meds. 

taken today:

emotionally:

• I’m thrilled to have this baby safely outside my body.
• any tears this week have been tears of gratitude and joy- not of sadness and longing
• having madsen here, safe and healthy, is better than I ever thought it could be.
• it’s still a bit of a dream.  not much has changed around here- except I can’t lift anything and there’s a baby being held by someone…that’s OURS. 

the clearing of one’s head

before she gives birth. 

i feel like i need to bear my testimony.  ha.ha.  i woke up to turn over, which reminded me i needed to use the bathroom, which reminded me that i will be having a baby in a few hours, which woke my mind right up.  too much so that i couldn’t go back to sleep.  i have too much on my mind.  too many thoughts and emotions that i need to release before i’m high on narcotics and other thoughts and emotions have overtaken my brain. 

i’m scared.  i’m in denial.  i’m excited.  i’m calm.  i’m tired.  i’m optimistic.  i’m loving every reassuring movement this baby is making right now.  i’m not allowing myself to get emotional.  i’m fearful of the c-section recovery.  i’m very much looking forward to KNOWING, just KNOWING.  i’m sad to be done with my pregnancy, but ready to put away my maternity clothes.  i’m wishing i would have forced myself to get completely focused on calvin’s scrapbook album so that it would have been completed before my mind is wrapped around another baby.  i’m feeling naked without my wedding rings and gold CTR ring my dad gifted me for my 16th birthday that are ALWAYS on my fingers, but have been removed in preparation for surgery.  i’m wondering if i’ll hold calvin’s necklace during surgery, like dr. gavrila suggested.  i’m still thinking about details of getting my kids where they’re supposed to be and the mechanics of leaving my house for a few days.  i’m not looking forward to fasting for the next several hours and then not being able to eat real food after the c-section.  i’m worried about making nolan feel special today on his actual birthday, even though we 100% celebrated him yesterday.  i’m feeling good about setting up the bassinet in the final hours of yesterday.  i’m finding it hard to believe i could be nursing a baby in 4 hours.  i’m almost decided on baby names.  i’m thinking it’s a boy.  i’m amazed that i’m here, 18 months after calvin’s birth/death, ready to have a different experience.  i’m hoping my high blood pressure will quickly disappear after giving birth.  i’m worried about how i’m going to feel physically after surgery.  i’m hoping this baby is here to stay.  i’m wondering what kind of transitions each of the kids will go through.  i’m remembering that i didn’t check ray’s folder yesterday and he probably has homework he’s supposed to do.  i’m counting on my brain and organization and motivation returning after the worry of keeping a baby alive inside me is over.  i’m feeling very strange about the fact that i won’t be pregnant in a few hours.  i’m smiling because i know one of my favorite nurses will be my nurse this morning, but sad that my other favorite nurse is out of town and will be missing the birth.  i’m having a contraction right now.  i’m saying prayers in my head over and over.  i’m feeling a little sick to my stomach.  i’m hoping i don’t have to be given magnesium sulfate given for pre-eclampsia; it made me very nauseous after i had ellison.  i’m thinking i spelled nauseous wrong.  i’m hearing the shower turn on and realizing my “middle of the night” has turned into the morning.  i’m stretching my back out because it hurts.  i’m regretting not taking more pictures of myself pregnant, but hoping i’ll still have some time to do that this morning.  i’m wondering if my body will go into shock soon and make my teeth start chattering. i’m actually envisioning bringing a baby home this time- and my smile is stuck on my face.  i’m realizing my next post will be news about a new (Barry) person. 

i’m ready to do this. 

his birthday

was celebrated a day early:  donuts for breakfast; a book, yogurt-covered pretzels, an X-Box game, $20 from g-ma/g-pa barry, and his very own fishing pole for gifts; the privilege to BUY his lunch at school; ding dongs for class treat; 9 candles to blow out- 2 times; chicken a la fallbrooke for dinner; cold stone mint ice cream cake for dessert; an early birthday party at a local hotel/pool; and a baby brother or sister on his actual birthday.  what more could a 9-year-old boy want?  [hopefully nothing]

Dear Nolan,

You are such a delightful kid.  You are every parent’s dream:  you’re obedient, remorseful and apologetic when you’re not, happy, loving, tender-hearted, enthusiastic, eager to please, sensitive to others’ needs, you love to be affectionate, you are kind and thoughtful, brilliant and excited to learn new things, excited to be a boy scout and serve a mission and keep our family scripture reading consistent, organized, honest, fair, and so much fun to have around.

I am so lucky to be your mother.  You make me smile at your funny thoughts and loving ways every day.  I can already tell you will be such a wonderful husband and father just by the strengths you have as a 9-year-old.  You make me cry at how tender-hearted and honest you are.  You make me proud when you ask me if there’s anything you can do for me.  I truly couldn’t ask for a better brother and son. 

You are so thrilled to have the privilege of sharing a birthday with your newest sibling.  I hope you will always remember how excited you are and how special you feel to share this day- and that April 7th will always be a day you look forward to every year.  I know that you will be a huge help to me and your new brother or sister.  I am so excited to watch you shine as a big brother once again.  For sure, this kid will admire you and look up to you just like Ray and Savannah do. 

Thank you for being such a good example to me of love and fairness and service and kindness and compassion.  I love you!

Love,

mom