31.5

a number that is forever imprinted on my brain.  it’s how 31 weeks and 5 days is represented on my medical charts and calvin’s autopsy results and my pregnancy history.  it’s a number that has loomed since the day i discovered i was pregnant with lucky #7, and a number that i’m both anxious and sad to surpass. 
and it’s the number that defines my current status in this pregnancy. 

today i am 31 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  31.5  (and the tears begin)  in fact, this baby has already survived (by a matter of a few hours) longer than calvin did. 

as good as i feel about how things are going with this pregnancy, i would be lying if i said i wasn’t scared that something will still go wrong.  i don’t know if it will get harder or easier once i move past this 31.5 number.  i imagine harder.  there really will be no sense of relief for me until after the baby is born.  healthy.

right now in my pregnancy:

• i am so grateful to BE pregnant
• i am tired.  pretty much all the time.
• i am emotional
• i am looking forward to every single day that my body and this baby will allow me to continue to grow a healthy baby
• i am constantly checking for baby movement
• my bottom left side of my belly is frequently achy and crampy
• the baby is consistently charting in the 78-80th percentile for size.  this is really great news for me, considering calvin lingered in the 30th percentile at his ultrasounds-- strange considering my height and the sizes of my other babies.  a larger baby usually (but not always) means a healthy, thriving baby.  at our last ultrasound (nearly 3 weeks ago), the baby was estimated to weigh 3 and 1/2 pounds. 
• i used to be highly annoyed at the frequency that i need to go to the bathroom, but now i see it as a sign that i am hydrated and am sincerely grateful when i have to pee often.  even if it’s in the middle of the night.  yes, i’m being totally serious.
• i love that my doctor is pretty wide open for appointments with him because he has so few patients.  i especially love that i can schedule my appointments a week or two at a time and not have the rest of my pregnancy planned out in doctor’s appointments.  one day at a time is huge for me right now.
• i can recognize specific body parts like elbows and heels of feet and a squishy bottom when they push up against my belly
• the natural curl to my hair isn’t very impressive and often ends up in the 3rd-trimester ponytail due to its disappointing performance
• the bulging varicose veins from my knees to my ankles is a disturbing sight
• the varicose veins behind my left knee are the most uncomfortable, but they aren’t as unbearable as they were with calvin’s pregnancy
• my varicose veins are also causing irregular spotting on my feet from poor circulation
• my right knee is loose and aches a lot.  it pops out of place often and hurts especially to walk up and down stairs.  i just started seeing a physical therapist twice a week to strengthen my hips and butt and relieve the displaced knee pain.  the physical therapy should also help with my sciatic nerve pain (also presenting mostly on the right side)
• i feel old
• my body is super sore from my physical therapy workouts
• i still feel pretty good physically, all things considering
• i have 2 pairs of jeans and a pair of lounge pants that i am rotating between.  this is usually something that is really annoying to me at this point in my pregnancy (lack of choices in what i can wear), but i really could care less this time around.  i’ve been wearing the same jeans and pants since my first trimester.
• i am trying to see all the benefits to having a planned c-section instead of feeling robbed of a beautiful (natural) birth experience
• with the exception of this past week because of how congested i am, i have been able to sleep pretty well.  if i’m lucky, i will also get in a couple power naps throughout the day
• i have a net weight gain of 9 pounds, a gross gain of 19 pounds (after gaining back the 10 pounds i lost during my first trimester)
• i take 11 pills everyday, including 2 different thyroid medications, a baby aspirin, a prescription-strength acid reducer for acid reflux, and several additional vitamin supplements (prenatal, 4 additional folic acid, 2 omega 3)
• my go-to snacks are babybel cheese and wheat thins, protein bars, cold cereal, malt-o-meal, egg sandwiches, peanut butter/honey/banana sandwiches, mint oreos, milk, starbursts, and chocolate
• i have very detailed ultrasounds performed every 4 weeks, ob checks every 2 weeks, and non-stress tests for the baby every week.  i really look forward to my doctor appointments, and i’m very grateful that they don’t create extra anxiety for me.
• i have fallen asleep during more than one of my ultrasounds. 
• i have less than 6 weeks left in this pregnancy.  it’s very bittersweet for me.
• i have been very casual about baby name research and can honestly say i don’t have the slightest idea what names to consider
• i am still happy that the gender will be a surprise on april 7th.
• my footwear of choice is fur-lined slippers with rubber soles.  i wear them everywhere, regardless of how i look.  it’s all about comfort for me (pregnant or not)
• i have really loved having direct access to my nurse(s).  i have called her on many occasions with serious and not-so-serious issues and i never have to wait for  a call back or wonder if she got the message.  it has been a huge benefit and peace of mind for me. 
• my awesome nurse, megan, has taken very special care to make this birth experience as beautiful as the rest of them.  she has asked very pointed questions about my expectations as far as where i’m placed in the hospital, if i want to request specific nurses that were there for calvin’s birth, if i want no mention of calvin’s birth/death, etc.  she is thinking ahead and i appreciate the amount of detail that will be included in my charts for all the nurses that will be caring for me during the extent of my hospital stay. 
• i have great faith that i will fall instantly in love with this baby, just like i have with all of my other babies.  but if i’m being completely honest, i am a little concerned that with the baby being born through a planned c-section- combined with my intentional emotional detachment from this pregnancy- i will not have an immediate bond and attachment with this baby.  without a doubt, i want and love this baby, but i’m unsettled about how all the other emotional pieces to the story will play out.
• this ultrasound picture that was taken at my last ultrasound, was lovely to me.  i see a lot of calvin in this baby.  and i love that.
• i am, once again, very fond of this season of life i am in.  even with the extra emotional burden and aged body, i still feel like the opportunity to create and grow life is, quite possibly, the greatest experience in all of life.  i hope i will still feel this blessed and excited in 40 days. 

whirlwind…

(of guilt)

this is my least favorite form of blogging:  rambling on about a myriad of things that have happened or are going through my mind.  I much prefer to blog in the moment, from story to story.  but i have been very lax in my blogging lately and the habit it slipping away from me.  i can’t say i’ll promise to do better because life will only get crazier and busier as time flies by.  but i can start somewhere.

**talent**

i’ll start with yesterday.  elli has been bugging me- like only a persistent and determined oldest child can- to paint her room.  i have rolled my eyes at this and delayed the process for a long time (possibly years).  what an undertaking.  recently, she has taken up the art of painting with acrylics on canvas.  and she’s produced some pretty spectacular work.  yesterday, she asked if she could doodle with her acrylic paints on the small drywall sections in between her four windows along one of the walls of her bedroom.  after double-checking to make sure acrylic paints were sustainable on drywall, I told her that was fine.  no taping or dropcloths or major furniture rearranging = no work for me. 

  

well. as predictable as elli is with her projects, this one turned into a full-on mural on another wall.  and inspired emma to take up acrylic painting (on her wall) as well.  i have to say, i’m pretty impressed with my girls’ talent.  i am not exaggerating one bit when i say that they far surpass me in both creativity and talent in their artistic abilities.  this talent comes straight from their grandma nevada.
 

emma’s ended up being a shrine for her calvin pictures and mementos. 

pretty amazing for a day’s work.

**Hawaii**

Damon was asked to go on a spontaneous business trip to…Hawaii.  i was lucky enough to tag along for 6 days of it.  we went to the big island (kona) and had a lovely time.  it was a bit different being nearly 8 months pregnant, but i wasn’t complaining (which doesn’t actually mean that i didn’t complain).  turns out, 81 degrees is a little too hot for me.  and walking in the sand is a bit laborious.  but being with my husband for one last hurrah (in hawaii of all places!) before the baby comes was about the best thing ever. 

i hope that i will take the time to write about the highs and lows of this trip in the coming days.

what wasn’t the best thing ever was doing Great Wolf Lodge with 7 children (2 friends) without Damon (who got to stay in hawaii for 3 more days)… 12 hours after I returned home from Hawaii.  except my kids thought it was the best thing ever so that makes it ok. 

(i took zero pictures of my kids at great wolf lodge)

all of this happened last week. 

**toothless*

sometime between christmas eve and mid-january, ray became toothless.

 

he even looked like this for a few (too many) days:
 

before he finally settled on this look:

i’ve never been sad about my kids losing teeth before so it took me by surprise when ray losing all four front teeth in a matter of weeks had me really pondering how quickly my children are growing up.  i really don’t want him to get those huge ugly big boy teeth.  i’m not ready for it.  but apparently he is because he already has 4 new teeth replacing the gaps. 

ray worked full-time wiggling those teeth and pulled every single one of them out (with the exception of one that he gave nolan the honor of pulling out) on his own.  no tears, no drama.  he just quietly brought me a tooth in a paper towel 4 separate times.  the tooth fairy remembered to pay him ($2/tooth) each time! 

**ray and calvin**

ray has fallen apart a few different times over the last couple months over memories of calvin.  out of the blue, he started sobbing and talking about how sad he was that he never got to hold calvin.  something he seemed afraid to do in the hospital when calvin was born.  even though we’ve never talked about this with him, he seems to have a lot of regret over not choosing to hold him.  it makes me so sad, but i try to reassure him that calvin knew he was there and was OK that ray wasn’t ready to hold him.

more recently, ray has been asking a lot of questions about our current baby.  particularly about the c-section process.  when i was explaining to him how that was going to go down, i mentioned how exciting the time would be when the doctor showed me the baby after he pulled the baby from my tummy.  apparently, he thought we were talking about calvin’s birth because he looked shocked and then said, “you were excited when the doctor showed you your dead baby?!”

it’s on his mind a lot. 

**mine, too**

i am 31 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  this is the point in my pregnancy when something went terribly wrong with calvin- only i wouldn’t know it for a few more days.  i gave birth to calvin at 31 weeks and 5 days.  i am ever-conscious of these numbers as the days progress.  i am constantly checking for fetal movement, and i take my job very seriously as the source of life for this baby.  i only have 6 1/2 weeks to go, but there is a (huge) fear that something could still go wrong.  i have no intentions of getting anything ready for the baby until after april hits.  i don’t want a baby shower.  i don’t want to buy diapers.  i don’t even want to pull any of my baby things out.  which is ridiculous for me, as i am a major planner and list-maker.  i truly am taking this one day at a time.  and i have 45 more days to go. 

in an effort to document this as current, i snapped this photo a few minutes ago (against my better judgment).  if you look carefully, you’ll notice my trademark hairdo:

**singing**

emma performed in the elementary honors choir.  she loved every minute of every rehearsal and especially loved just being a part of such an elite group.

 

elli was selected to sing a solo for a traveling choir field trip.  she was ecstatic to sing parts of “Lean on Me”, GLEE-style (even though none of us have ever seen an episode of GLEE).  i was able to attend one of the 3 performances and she did a pretty amazing job.  not only is she a wonderfully strong singer, but she has fantastic stage presence.

here is a super high-quality video i took of her performance at a local elementary school (she’s in the v-neck at the microphone):

elli also performed in the All-state choir for junior high this past weekend.  she is slated to sing a solo in sacrament meeting in april.

**sports**

elli finished up her basketball season and made the cut for varsity volleyball the very next week.  she absolutely loves the sport of volleyball and practices against our family room wall, which produces a lovely repetitive sound.

emma, nolan, and savannah will be wrapping up their parks and rec basketball seasons this coming weekend. 

emma continues to play indoor soccer and will begin outdoor spring soccer- along with nolan and ray- at the beginning of april.

 

**report cards**

emma and nolan always excel and this grading period was no different; i have just come to expect it of them.  i usually don’t give them the recognition they deserve because they are just easy in that way.  elli, however, is an under-achiever- if there is such a thing.  so i was super impressed when she brought home a report card with straight A’s. 

** a baby story**

while in hawaii, i got hooked on TLC’s A BABY STORY again.  i used to watch this show years ago (when i was pregnant with emma), but haven’t seen it forever.  it seems every episode i caught was a mother ending up with a c-section.  every episode brought memories of calvin’s birth and tears flowing down my face.  i hope to create positive memories of a c-section delivery someday soon. 

**lack of pictures**

i have been a real slacker lately as far as taking pictures and keeping track of things for the sake of documenting memories for my children.  my philosophy is if i don’t take a picture, then i don’t have document it.  except, if i don’t take a picture, i usually forget it even happened.  so i need to be better about making the effort to get my camera out- even when i don’t feel like taking pictures. 

**fantastic mr. fox**

we watched it for family movie night last night.  i didn’t think i’d like it at all, but it was a pretty creative movie.  i am a very harsh movie critic, and i ended up loving this movie. 

**promotion**

as of today, damon has officially been promoted to senior developer at microsoft.  yay for promotions.  and for my hard-working, dedicated husband. 

**sick**

i’m sick right now.  and i can’t take anything to remedy my symptoms.  i don’t like being sick.  and not being able to take anything for it.