here and now

gotta start somewhere

madsen:

• is 7 months old
• weighs more than 20 lbs
• is adored by all.  I mean ALL:  his parents.  his siblings.  his siblings’ friends.  his siblings’ friends’ friends.  strangers.  his mom’s friends.  Tucker.  he’s simply the most adored child ever created.  period. 
• loves to squeal.  in a very high-pitched voice.  which makes all the kids laugh- especially ray.
• has recently discovered his lengthy tongue- and likes to explore the lower regions of his chin with it.
• is a cat-napper.  which is something I’ve never experienced, and I’m trying to change his ways
• is sitting independently.
• loves baby food.
• is ticklish in his neck, thighs, and armpits.
• has an infectious laugh
• loves to get his diaper changed.  loves.
• stiffens his body to “help” me get him out of his car seat and bumbo
• rolls.  slobbers.  spits up.  a lot.
• loves to snuggle with me. 
• usually sleeps in bed with me during the hours of midnight to 3-ish and then sleeps solidly in his bed from about 3 til 8.
• loves all the attention that he is showered with every day
• likes to chew on binkies, but doesn’t use them as soothers
• is still super mellow and easy-going
• likes to pull hair and eat my glasses
• has no teeth, but gnaws on things like a puppy
• loves to eat my calvin necklace
• was the cutest sumo wrestler ever for halloween

for now

the boy is alive and well.

I have so much to say and not enough time to say it and so I continue to delay in posting.  I hardly remember how to even post on my blog, let alone how to let my feelings flow.  [go away guilt; I don’t have time for you.]

we are ALL loving and adoring the beautiful gift that madsen is in our home.  one day I will write about our struggles and the things I love about my boy. 

for now, these pictures will have to do.  they were taken moments ago while watching general conference. 

p.s.  apparently, he doesn’t even flinch while being fed sour patch kids by his naughty siblings.

stupid google.

they’re taking away one of my very best friends today.  they’re changing my life in a big way- and they don’t even realize it (or care).  I suppose I don’t even realize the magnitude that my life is about to change. 

 

how do i say goodbye to a friend that has been a part of my daily life for nearly 13 years?

to the friend that knew my dad when he was still alive?  the friend that has been present at the majority of my children’s births?  the friend that changes my flat tire for me instead of waiting around for AAA?  the friend that is responsible for the majority of my friendships here in the state of washington?  the friend that understands my sense of humor?  and my true heart?  the friend that knows my siblings that live in other states?  the friend that my mom would rather stay with instead of her own daughter when she comes to visit?  the friend that convinced me to join this “really cool networking site” called facebook? 

how do I say goodbye to the friend that has been my scrapbooking buddy and quilting buddy and birthing buddy and book club buddy and stampin up buddy and costco run buddy and microsoft primecard buddy and camping buddy and microsoft widow buddy and redmond first ward clique buddy for over a decade?

how do I say goodbye to a woman that is 3 years my junior, but has been a (much, much) better example to me of charity and generosity and service and love than I could ever be to her?  a person whose generosity and willingness to serve- no matter what is going on in her own life- rivals those same qualities I always admired in my dad? 

how do I say goodbye to the mother of jack and grady and asher and miss scarlett?  four children that I love like my own.  four children that will never be replaced in my own children’s lives.  the friend that is the second mother to my own children?  the friend who actually named one of my children (nolan)?

how do I say goodbye to the friend that shows up on my doorstep when I haven’t even realized yet why I need her there?  to the friend that was there for me during the hardest parts of my life: my dad dying, the savannah adjustments, calvin’s death?  to the friend that was more prepared than I was for madsen’s birth, buying and stocking up on baby’s needs during my entire pregnancy without me even knowing?

how do I say goodbye to the friend that took my kids for me for 10 days when damon and I went to hawaii (both times), when I haven’t felt well, when I have given birth, when I had my gall bladder out, whenever there was a need (or want)?  the friend I can call with 5 minute’s notice who will watch my kids or run an errand for me, but will probably offer to do those things for me before I’ve even asked?

how do I say goodbye to the friend that is probably single-handedly responsible for the circle of friends and support that I have here in my washington life?  the friend that has awed me with her kindness and friendliness and hospitality towards everyone?  the friend that makes friends (and introduces them to me) everywhere she goes?  the friend that has done all the work in our friendship and that still somehow tries to convince me that I am the one that is a good friend to her? 

how do I say goodbye to the friend that has shared delicious recipes with me over the years- pumpkin cake and ponderosa cake and homemade brownies?  the friend who has shared meals with our family of seven every Thursday or Tuesday for the past several years, even on weeks when I couldn’t reciprocate the offer?

how do I say goodbye to a friend that has been on countless camping trips with my family, has been at [nearly] every girls’ weekend I’ve ever attended, and organized the (unofficial) birthday dessert club?

how do I say goodbye to the friend that is always willing to try new things with me?  the friend that can figure anything out, instructions or not?  the friend that is willing to fail (and laugh) with me?

how do I say goodbye to the friend that has encouraged me and built me up and cried with me and laughed with me and supported me and loved me- surely as much as my own husband and sisters have done those things for me?

how do I say goodbye to the first friend I call- good news or bad?  the friend I know will cheer me up or make me laugh at myself or be thrilled for me or give me perspective or comfort me?

I have no idea.  but it’s on my list of things to do today.  because she’s moving to san francisco today.  and- not to be dramatic or anything- but I have no idea what I’m going to do without her.

I will miss her welcoming home, her darling daughter, her hilarious leg-hugging, eye-rolling asher, her sweet, sensitive grady, her animal-loving, book-reading jack, and her funny, kind, supportive (google-loving) husband, roger. 

and mostly her.

yes, I will miss her more than I want to think about.  more than I can express.  more than this box of kleenex by my side can handle.

stupid google.

[enter second box of kleenex]

chill.

it’s a word that’s been thrown around a lot this past week.

and not even from elli’s teenaged mouth.

[-ed] it’s how I felt the first 2 days I was home from the hospital.

it’s how I feel right before my body goes into shock and my teeth start chattering.

and it’s madsen’s take on nursing and getting his diaper changed and taking a bath with his brothers and being passed from sibling to sibling’s friend to sibling again and having several doctors check out his nether region- trying to reduce an inguinal hernia (that was mis-diagnosed and ended up being a hydrocele) and getting immunized and his heel pricked for PKU testing and pretty much his take on life.

it could be his middle name.

the boy is chill. 

period.

 

final pregnancy pics:

 

we love chill. 

I love that I am not the sole baby calmer in this house.  anyone is capable of keeping him content and calm.

I love that I am married to a master swaddler who has skills more powerful than my own bag of tricks.

I love that every single one of my children is in love with their new brother- even though some of them were hoping for a sister.

I love that his hands always find his way into his mouth or his face- just like in his ultrasound pictures.

I love that my little babe loves to snuggle with me so much that I’m actually the one who is continuously waking up in the middle of the night, wondering when he will wake up and need me. 

I love that damon shares in the feeding responsibilities because madsen is not eating enough and having a hard time gaining weight- even though that means I have to pump.

I love that because madsen is so chill it has allowed my body the time it’s needed to heal and rest.

I love having a newborn in our home once again. 

 

getting ready for surgery:

I’ll spare you the pics from the surgery and move right into the moments after surgery:

Madsen James Barry

born:  April 7, 2011

8:45 a.m.

8 lbs 1 oz

Madsen inspired by Truman G. Madsen

James after my mom’s father and my brother Chad

c-section tidbits:

• since elli was at ray’s birth, emma was promised the opportunity to be at calvin’s birth- which didn’t happen.  so she got to come to madsen’s birth.  not quite the same as attending and being part of a natural birth, but special nonetheless. 
• it was very surreal to drive to the hospital TO HAVE A BABY and not be in labor.
• it was a beautiful experience- all the way around.  there was no sadness or horrible reminders of calvin’s birth.  reminders, yes; but sweet ones
• one of my 2 favorite nurses (the other was out of town) arranged to be there for this delivery as well.  having becca there was a nice full-circle moment for me.
• I was in a different operating room than I was with calvin.  a lot of memories of calvin’s birth and the circumstances surrounding it trickled in as I was being prepped for madsen’s c-section.  I was in a completely different frame of mind this time, much more present and relaxed (though still scared) and not as out-of-body strange like it was with calvin.
• the surgeon who assisted dr. g was the same surgeon who assisted for calvin’s c-section (though I didn’t know he was there; dr. g told me).
• dr. g removed calvin’s scar completely (bittersweet, maybe?) and gave me an entirely new ospenpop.  the smell of (my own) burning flesh is something I hope I will never have to experience again.
• my friend, mandy, was in the delivery room with us to take pictures.  emma waited outside the delivery room until madsen was born and then swapped places with mandy (I could only have 2 guests with me in the operating room at a time). 
• damon was the one who announced the gender, followed by a very excited dr. g also announcing it was a boy.
• emma was the first of her siblings to know she had a brother.  she also had the privilege and responsibility of announcing the news to others, which proved to be pretty tricky as we were trying to make sure all the siblings knew we had a boy before anyone outside the family knew (and told them).  we had a lot of people waiting on our news and probably still left some holes.
• I have never been so relieved and thrilled to see a screaming baby before.  the tears were immediate.
• the first thing I noticed about my new son was how alive and healthy and real he was.
• the second thing I noticed was how round and fluffy his cheeks were.

 

meeting the gang:

the recovery:

• wasn’t as easy as calvin’s, but wasn’t too bad. 
• the worst part- for sure- was the stupid gas pains in my upper shoulder.  that was the pain that eventually had me in tears.  the pain that really couldn’t be remedied by any drugs- only time.
• the itching from the anesthesia was probably a close second.  I’m not sure why I held off of the anti-itching medication for so long, but I would have definitely taken that sooner if I’d known what a difference it’d make.
• the hospital bed was horribly uncomfortable and sweaty.  I’ve never been so ready to be discharged from the hospital after giving birth.  usually, I like to stick around for as long as possible to benefit from the perks of being a patient. 
• the room I was in was very different than the room I stayed in after calvin was born.  the change was nice.  at least one of my nurses told me that she was working the day calvin was born and that she helped another nurse take his pictures as mementos for me and that she distinctly remembered calvin.  that was awesome to hear.  the nurse’s name was emily.
• is made so much easier when I have 6 extra pairs of willing hands at home.  I can’t imagine trying to recover from a c-section and still having needy toddlers to take care of. 
• I still miss being able to take a bath.
• while I have cut back my medications by more than half, I am still taking blood pressure meds. 

taken today:

emotionally:

• I’m thrilled to have this baby safely outside my body.
• any tears this week have been tears of gratitude and joy- not of sadness and longing
• having madsen here, safe and healthy, is better than I ever thought it could be.
• it’s still a bit of a dream.  not much has changed around here- except I can’t lift anything and there’s a baby being held by someone…that’s OURS.