week 19

• this pregnancy is really going by fast for me.  i can’t believe i’m halfway there.  i think a part of it is that life is so busy and full, and i don’t have a lot of time to dwell on my pregnant body.  but i think an even bigger part of it is that i’m a little bit detached from this pregnancy.  i am totally in love with the idea of having a baby in april, but i don’t think i’ve quite accepted it yet- and probably won’t until there is a baby safely in my arms.  i have made sure to stay grounded enough that it won’t kill me if something happens with this baby (if that’s even possible).  it’s a strange place to be:  elated for the possibility while preparing yourself for (devastating) disappointment.  i’m not depressed or paranoid (ok,, maybe just a little paranoid); just cautiously optimistic. in any case, it is making the days and weeks fly by.
• i have found myself questioning my decision to get pregnant again.  maybe God was trying to tell me something when he took calvin from me?  at times, it seems like complete insanity that we would add another child to our family.  what were we thinking?!!  too late now.
• i had an in-depth ultrasound last week to check all the major organs and parts.  everything looks great, and the baby is measuring in the 78th percentile.  this is wonderful news.  calvin was lingering in the 30th percentile, which my doctor thought was odd, considering damon is 6’2” and i’m 5’10”.  dr. g. also discovered the gender of our baby, but we turned our heads (more accurately, i turned mine and forced damon’s away) so we don’t know.  i will have in-depth ultrasounds every 4 weeks just to make sure everything still looks good.  hopefully, the gender will continue to stay a surprise.
• i am still under my pre-pregnancy weight.  this would normally be super exciting to me, but of course it concerns me with this pregnancy.  am i not eating enough?  it’s fascinating that i have added (more than) several inches to my waistline, but weigh several pounds less than when i started.  i feel like i popped out super early this pregnancy and was in maternity clothes months earlier than i normally wear them, but i don’t feel like i’ve grown a ton since i first popped out.  i feel connected to calvin when i wear certain clothes that i had just bought for his pregnancy.
• my thyroid meds are the highest they’ve ever been, increasing by almost a third this past month.
• i haven’t really had any cravings yet.  i’m just barely able to tolerate sweets again, but prefer protein and things that count for nutrition. 
• i also just started taking my pre-natal vitamins again, after cutting them out during my nausea period.
• i think i have officially turned the nausea corner just this week.  hallelujah. 
• my liver functions seem to have adjusted back to normal now that the hyperemesis is done.
• ray has figured out a way to determine the gender of our baby:  “mom, when you feel the baby in your tummy, can you feel soft, long hair or spiky hair?  if it’s soft and long, then it’s a girl.  if it’s spiky, then it’s a boy!”
• when i asked ray if he’d be excited to have a sister his reply was, “maybe…if she’s really cute.”
• i am feeling the baby move a lot more regularly now.  again, a bittersweet thing that is the best feeling in the world and bears a deep responsibility at the same time.  i think it’s the best part of being pregnant and something i miss at the end of every pregnancy.
• i have come to the realization that the dream of having a natural birth is no longer on my list of priorities. my birth experience will forever be changed and stressful, and not the lovely and thrilling anticipation that it once was.  even if i attempt a VBAC, i would be concerned about my baby’s health the entire time and stressed that something would go wrong.  i have to let that dream go.  labor and delivery will never be the same for me again.  most likely, i will have a repeat c-section between 36 and 38 weeks.  but the door has not completely closed for a VBAC.  dr. g is still willing to keep that option open.  it will probably be me who officially closes it.
• things may change as i get closer to my due date, but i really hesitate to buy anything or put any major effort into preparing for this baby.  what if??  i think part of the reason that i have chosen to not find out the sex of the baby is because i don’t want to lock my heart onto something specific.  i don’t want to prepare for a girl and buy girl things and set myself up for something that may not ever happen.  not knowing what we’re having allows me to stay in this detached phase until the ending is known. 
• the other day, out of the blue, ray asked where calvin got the “rope from that he choked on”.  he was talking about the umbilical cord that was wrapped around calvin’s neck, but i thought it was very interesting the visual he had in his mind.  and how strange that must have been to him to think that i had swallowed a rope that calvin choked on.  i’m so grateful that he asks so many questions and wants to know specific information about calvin.  it’s good for all of us.
• i am looking forward to doing and cleaning and cooking and working and being busy again.  i am so sick and tired of doing nothing and sitting around feeling blah.  i am really looking forward to the busy-ness of christmas and even thanksgiving this year.  i love (and need) things to look forward to.
• i am very excited to be having a baby in april. no matter how scared i am.  

Dear Calvin….one year later

wrapping up my scrapbooking weekend.  i’ve accomplished a lot, but never as much as i hope i’d accomplish.  i am once again up-to-date on my journaling and almost caught up in the kids’ scrapbooks.  this is a letter i started writing on october 15th, but didn’t finish until today. 

Dear Calvin,

I have been wondering for months what I would be writing on this day, the one-year mark of both your birth and your death.  What could I possibly write that I haven’t already written?  What could I possibly feel that I haven’t already felt?  What could I possibly think that I haven’t already thought?  I’m not sure how to answer those questions, but I do know this journey is far from being over. 

Just like the day you were born, there is tremendous grief and sadness on this day.  But, also just like the day your were born, there is immense gratitude and joy on this day.  I am so sad that an entire year has passed by without you here.  I am so sad that you are not running around our home, getting yourself into trouble.  I am so sad that your brothers and sisters didn’t get a chance to be your brothers and sisters on this earth.  I am so sad that you won’t get to be an earthly big brother to our new little one that will be joining our family in April of 2011.  I am so sad that Ethan and Isaac and Scarlett will grow up without you in their circle of friends.  I am so sad that I haven’t touched your scrapbook that I had hoped to have complete before this day. 

But my heart is also full of gratitude.  I am grateful for amazing friends who have taken care of me with special care and compassion this last year.  I am grateful for a loving spouse who listens to me and is always there for me.  I am grateful for 5 beautiful, resilient children who have remembered you (in thoughts and pictures and writing and prayers) more than I ever thought possible throughout this year.  I am grateful for the opportunity we took to take a family vacation to Disneyland.  I am grateful for another seized opportunity to go to Hawaii, childless.  I am grateful for a healthy, strong body that has been able to create life once again.  I am grateful for a compassionate heart and new understanding of others who have experienced similar grief.  I am grateful for new relationships and bonds that have been created because of your death.  I am grateful for my blog that I have established as a place to get out my thoughts and ideas and grief and workings of my heart.  I am grateful for my testimony that Jesus Christ lives; that my Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of my every need; that you will always be my son and that I will be with you again some day; that I have lessons to learn that will help me grow and become the person I desire to be, but don’t know how to get there myself.  I am even grateful for the trials of 2009 and for the trials that I continue to have daily that I sometimes don’t want to be grateful for.  And, mostly, I am grateful that I got to be your mother here on earth, for as short of a time as it was. 

Calvin, I love you with as much of my heart as I love my other children with.  There is no shortage of love.  I want for you to be happy and joyful and smart and capable and obedient and independent, just like I want those same things for the rest of my children.  And there is tremendous peace in my heart knowing that you are all of those things, without me there to push you and encourage you and nag you.  You are a natural at everything I could ever want for one of my children, and I feel tremendous joy and relief over that.  I don’t have to worry about you one bit because you’ve already made it back to be with your Father in Heaven.  You’ve already accomplished everything that we are working and struggling daily to accomplish:  to return to our Father.  Thank you for reminding me daily of this eternal perspective. 

October 15th will forever hold a very special place in my heart.  It will be a day that will always be treasured and experienced with a balance of both joy and sadness.  You have been a blessing in my life that I can’t compare to anything else I’ve ever experienced.  You are a constant reminder of God’s love for me and of my purpose here on earth.  You continue to give me the hope and motivation to be the best mother I can be, even when I am failing miserably.  You represent every good and needful thing in my life:  unconditional love, hope, charity, God’s love, eternal life, endurance, obedience, family, the atonement, patience, joy, and surrendering to God’s will.  I will miss you for only as many days as we’ll be separated, but I will always love you.  Always.

Love,

Mom

catching up…continued

we made the (very long) drive out to THE FARM twice this year.  two times.  the first time, the entire family came and we all picked out our pumpkins, but we were in a rush to get back to see “The OWL movie” so we didn’t get to do any of the fun activities.  The second time we went, it was just to have fun.  Damon stayed at work and Elli stayed home, but we went with the Shaws and the Fleigs and the kids had a great time together.

The weather was awesome.  we have had amazing luck with our weather here in washington this fall.  i can’t believe how many rainless, sunny days we have…even into november.  it’s awesome.  favorite activities the kids enjoyed today:  definitely the corn pit (searching for someone’s lost wedding band), the hay maze and hay jumping loft, the tractor ride, the washington state corn maze, always the petting zoo, and goofy golfing was something we’ve never had time for but we did this year.  the kids all enjoyed huge (emma’s weighed in at 2 pounds!) honeycrisp apples and we closed the place out. 

since it was pretty late and we had a long drive ahead of us, we decided to eat at a restaurant before we headed home.  so we hit olive garden with 3 (crazy adults) and 11 children.  and it may have been the highlight of the entire day.  seriously.  it was a late night, for sure, but it was a lot of fun.

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elli:  still misses FM, but has adjusted quite well to not having him around at school.  just found out today that she made ALL-STATE CHOIR again this year.  will find out this afternoon if she made the cut for JV basketball.  walks around like a crippled person because she is worked so hard at her basketball tryouts this week.  loves to organize instead of clean her room.  has her own debit card and checking account.  is still doing awesome in school (one B+ in her least favorite subject:  math and the rest A’s). LOVES her French class.  likes to make (and eat) omelets and bacon.  is consistently showing me how responsible and capable she is becoming.  has way too many friends on Facebook.  has become too attached to certain TV shows since her cousins were here this summer.  loves to take pictures…of herself and nature.  is ridiculously creative.

emma:  still adores quest.  is thriving in her regular 6th-grade classroom and is really coming out of her shell.  did not win school secretary, but was happy for the person who did.  is in love with mindy gledhill.  changed her music research project from taylor swift to mindy gledhill.  just finished up a soccer season that she showed more initiative and guts than she ever has.  hurt her foot in the next to the last game that sent her to the ER, but came away with a diagnosis of a “contusion”.  begged for damon to go running with her in the morning and the junior high track across the street; they were diligent for 3 days until she hurt her foot.  starts an indoor soccer league this week and parks and rec basketball next week.  is savannah’s nemesis.  got bangs the day before picture day; it’s a love/hate relationship.  is a great babysitter (unless savannah is home).  takes long baths.  is doing superbly in school.  is the captain of her safety patrol squad, on the green team, participated in reflections, a member of the knitters club, service club, and just signed up to be a peer helper at school.  adores elli, but has a strange way of showing it.  is amazing.

nolan:  is also a superb student.  is well-like by all age groups, particularly the younger set of girls.  is in chess club and never fails to remind me on thursday nights that he as chess club the next morning.  is still really loud and obnoxious in the morning.  needs a haircut.  usually sticks up for savannah.  can be a really great helper, if he’s in one of those moods.  loves to lay in my bed at night and sit on my lap at breakfast.  is a cheerful early riser.  is addicted to wizard 101 on the computer.  prefers to wear his oversized sweatshirt instead of his winter coat to school everyday.  recently got to miss a day of school so he could spend the night at his grandparents’ house in olympia with just him and ray.  is easily annoyed and provoked by ray. starts up basketball in a couple weeks.  does not like to clean up dog poop.  just completed the requirements to earn is Wolf badge in cub scouts.  would love to learn how to fish and earn the fishing badge.  asks several times a day if someone will please play APPLES TO APPLES with him.  organizes family game nights regularly.  loves to play sardines.  likes to do things for others.  is awesome.

savannah:  is holding her own in school.  is still not a fluent reader.  unloads the dishwasher for me nearly every morning.  is having 2 more of her teeth (bottom middle) pulled today at the oral surgeon.  loves her purple converse high-tops.  likes to cut (things that shouldn’t be cut).  loves to dress up.  intentionally butts heads with emma.  can take hours to finish her homework.  just finished up some intense neurological testing.  will start playing her first organized team sport in a couple weeks (basketball); she’s beyond excited.  likes to be a part of everything.  can be a great helper if she’s in the right frame of mind.  is ray’s best buddy on some days.  loves school.  surprises me with her thoughts and memories in her journal-writing at school.  often forgets her homework at school.  loves to be praised and acknowledged.

ray:  loves kindergarten.  loves riding the bus.  loves his new friends.  gets upset over seemingly insignificant things.  cries easily.  is still shy at school.  loves to annoy the dog.  and nolan.  is very active.  scales the posts in our home several times daily.  loves to give me hugs and soft kisses just because.  likes to blame everything on savannah.  loved having little girl sleep in his bed with him at night.  is great at math and sometimes gives savannah the answers to her homework.  doesn’t like to wear underwear.  or socks.  wears mismatched crocs to school everyday.  likes to drink out of my water bottles.  is a homebody these days.  is learning to read and is starting to spell words on his own.  likes to pull out all the blankets and couch cushions and pillows to make a mess fort.  loves chicken nuggets and z-bars and applesauce.  has almost eaten all of his halloween candy.  put on a doll’s beanie cap yesterday and was walking around the house telling people he was calvin.  is funny.  loves to do flips and sit upside down on the couch…during family home evening.  likes to sit on my lap for breakfast.  is willing to do anything for me. 

my pregnancy:  still not 100%, but doing pretty well.  am still hovering around my pre-pregnancy weight.  have not taken consistent pictures of myself like i promised myself i would.  i am wearing maternity clothes already, the earliest i’ve ever been in them.  the baby is measuring big (yay!) and looking great.  i have an ultrasound on tuesday that could tell me the gender if i wanted.  my varicose veins behind my left knee are starting to throb pretty regularly.  i am slowly starting to get a little bit of my motivation back.  i eat the same things all day long:  clif z-bars and soup about every hour and a half.  i still don’t like coming up with new things to eat.  damon faithfully makes me half of a toasted multi-grain muffin every single morning.  it’s waiting for me on my pillow when i wake up.  damon has been waking up at 5:45 every morning to get himself ready AND make breakfast for everyone.  i have just resumed my breakfast duties this past week.  i am tired, but not exhausted during the day.  i am exhausted at night and can hardly think straight, come about 9 pm.  am actually doubting how much i claim to love being pregnant.  really?  i feel like this pregnancy is really happening fast.  i am about 16 weeks.

daily life:  we gave Little Girl back to Homeward Pet yesterday.  we were very close to keeping her, but in the end i couldn’t go through with it.  damon is working pretty normal hours right now.  he has just moved buildings, though, and now seems really far away.  :(  i voted on tuesday. 

catching up

scrapbook convention is next week.  i’m frantically trying to ready my mind for days of focusing on pictures and stories of my children.  there are lots of things i’ve passed up on writing about these last 2 months because i haven’t felt good.  here’s my attempt and catching up a bit so i can clear my mind of these things and move on to november happenings.

 

it’s one of ray’s favorite poses:  the shoulder shrug with a sly smile, most often accompanied with an innocent, “what?”.  it can mean any number of things.  it could mean he has just gotten caught doing something he shouldn’t be doing.  it could mean he just told a little white lie.  it could mean he’s trying give you a heartfelt apology.  it could mean he just ate some candy that he wasn’t supposed to be into.  it could mean he just attracted a cop’s attention (and got quite a lecture) as he darted out into the street, right in front of a police car.  but it almost always means, he’s immediately forgiven.  because i’m a sucker for this look…on ray.

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over the summer, my boys played lots and lots of video games.  if they got bored playing lego batman or viva pinata on the xbox, they’d move downstairs to play super smash bros. or mariokart on the wii.  when that got old, they’d move back upstairs to play lego rockband and then on to wizards 101 or club penguin on the computer.  they thought they were switching it up, but it’s all the same to me:  gaming.  i loved watching my boys play games together, especially listening to ray cheer nolan on and do all of nolan’s chores for him so nolan could have uninterrupted play.  ray is always eager to give up his computer time just to be able to watch his older brother play.  as much as i love how well they game together, i couldn’t wait for the school year to start so we could cut out gaming on weekdays.  i love the simplicity of no tv or computer or video games during the school week.  i love that it forces them to find other things to do with each other…just like in the old days (of 2009). 

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elli and FM.

it all started with what i thought was a simple question sometime in february of 2009:  “mom, there’s a boy at school that asked if i would go out with him.  can i say yes?”  me:  “what does it mean ‘to go out with somebody’?”  elli:  “it just means that everybody in the 6th grade knows that i like him and that he likes me.  that’s all.”  me, thinking back to the time when i was “going out” with duane williams in 4th or 5th grade (which actually meant we avoided each other at all costs because we were so embarrassed that we were “going out”) said, “well, i think that’s ok.  but you know that you won’t be able to go anywhere or do anything with him- right?”  elli, with her classic eye roll:  “yes, mom.  i’m not stupid.”

and i sat back and waited for the day that this got old.  but it didn’t.  these guys developed a friendship that quickly turned into love notes and e-mails and after school hugs that had me and F.M.’s mom on our toes.  and F.M.’s mom and i quickly developed a friendship that revolved around these two and where they were and what they were doing and what they were saying and writing to each other. 

and then 6th grade ended and FM went to his hometown in Michigan…for the entire summer.  and it was a huge relief to me and stephanie (his mom).  surely the romance would die down after 2 and 1/2 months of not seeing each other or talking to each other. 

nope.

junior high kicked off with the 2 of them just as tight as ever.  and stephanie and i had to be on our toes even more.  i began to question my judgment in allowing her to say yes to that one seemingly simple question.  i had no idea anything would ever come of this. 

and so we went another entire school year of hearing about FM.  and then the next summer came…and he went back to Michigan again for the entire summer.  more relief and hope that the relationship would naturally die down. 

wrong again. 

except his dad lost his job over the summer and FM and his family moved back to Michigan after only being back in Washington for a couple weeks. 

complete heartbreak.

i was shocked at my own sadness over this family moving.  surely, it was a dream come true for me- as a mother to have this boy move far, far away from my daughter.  but i was losing a great friend (FM’s mom), and my girl was losing a best friend.  i was also losing the comfort in knowing the right questions to ask whenever elli wanted to go somewhere, “is FM going to be there?”  i knew exactly who i needed to keep an eye on. 

i am so proud of elli for some personal decisions she made during this time.  she’s a pretty amazing girl who knows who she is.  while she won’t be “going out” with anybody anytime soon, i’m glad for the lessons we learned from this experience.  i’m glad i learned how strong my daughter is and that it gave us opportunities to establish different levels of trust.  i’m extremely proud and grateful that she came to me with questions and concerns she had that i NEVER would have asked my parents about. 

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school picture day:  September 23, 2010.  i was especially proud of myself for getting everyone properly dressed and out the door…all while hoping i wasn’t going to start throwing up at any moment.

and the reason i take all my own pictures (and order the cheapest package with a class picture) is because the school pictures usually end up like this:

 

savannah’s individual picture is actually pretty good,
but her (very strange) class picture makes up for it:

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ray’s (very impromptu) birthday celebration.  september 25th.

ray’s birthday fell on a saturday.  i decided on the thursday before that i might be up to having a party (his very first birthday party with friends).  i booked a local hotel (hotel sierra) and called several of his friends and invited them to come swimming at the hotel with us.  guests included:  grady, asher, and jack fleig (mandy and scarlett, too), natalie and eli shaw (with aimee and ethan), jonah and sam ross, rhys wilkinson, warnick seamons, keaton forstrom, and our entire family. 

to remember:

• our family was staying overnight, but nobody else stayed with us.  all the guests left at 6:30
• we ordered domino’s pizza
• ray’s cake was a bunch of hostess ding dongs stacked in a pyramid shape
• none of the kids drowned
• the weather was actually really nice and we ate our pizza and “cake” on the patio outside the pool area.
• we didn’t get kicked out of the pool like i feared we might with that many kids.
• this was a surprise to everyone in our family as well.  ray didn’t even realize it was his own birthday party until about half-way through when i told him everyone was there for him.  he just assumed we were all hanging out together like we always do with these families.
• when i asked ray who he wanted to invite to his birthday party, most of his guests were nolan’s friends.  it was my suggestion to invite nolan’s friends’ younger siblings (ray’s friends) to the party as well.
• i was pretty proud of the party favors that i came up with in a pinch:  a compilation of six of ray’s favorite things.  the bag included a mini can of soda pop, a one-dollar bill, a punching balloon, a go-go, a pack of gum, and 6 small bags of candy.  i was especially proud of the little card i made in photoshop with my new digital skillz to go in his bag.
• ray’s birthday wish was that he wouldn’t have to go to church anymore.  yikes.
• after all the kids left, it seemed really easy and simple to only have my own 5 kids crammed into the hotel room.
• ray and nolan were stoked that damon had brought our video game consoles and set them up in our hotel room during the swim party. 
• ray’s gifts he received:  lots of go-go’s, Blokus, Lego Rockband (our original one got scratched beyond recognition), lots of Legos, Target giftcard, cash, Cold Stone gift card, Club Penguin membership, a bucket of licorice, and surely lots of other things a 6-year-old needs.
• oh- he also got to stay in a hotel.

 

ok, that gets me caught up with major events through september.  maybe i’ll finish october tomorrow.  yay for getting something done!