miracle worker

i love my doctor.  and not {just} because he looks like this:

(nolan just came up behind me and saw this picture and said,
“that is the doctor you love? 
why would someone love a doctor who dressed like that?”)

but because he is real.  he’s authentic.  he has a way of caring for my physical needs, while addressing the (even more important, at times) emotional needs.  he has a wonderful balance of being the professional doctor who makes hard medical decisions on my behalf and also supporting me as a friend would.  he makes me feel like there is nothing more important to him than bringing #7 into this world, healthy and alive.  i love that he holds my hand when he talks to me about serious things or when my emotions get the best of me.  i love his thick romanian accent that i sometimes have to wade through to figure out what in the world he’s trying to tell me.  i love that his initial response to this new pregnancy was a kiss on my cheek and a genuine hug—and maybe a tear in his eye.  i love that i know he will give me real answers to hard questions.  i love the confidence he has in his abilities and skills.  at the same time, i also love that he can express regret over a decision he made that he thought was right at the time (to withhold the information that calvin had the cord wrapped twice around his neck until he was in distress and it was necessary to tell me).  i love that he gives me hope every time i see him.  i love that he knows me, that i don’t just feel like “another patient”-- quickly reading through my chart right before he walks into the room.

but i really love that he has followed through with his efforts to make my first trimester more enjoyable.  i love that he kept trying new things and kept scheduling weekly appointments and checking on me and ordering me special banana IV bags in the ER and sticking with me instead of just saying, “sorry you feel so crappy.  i don’t know what else to try.  but it’ll be over in 2 months.  hang in there!”  like my other doctors have done.  i love that he had faith that the regimen he asked me to stick to would help me feel like a new woman (in her first trimester) and to make me promise i would continue with it for at least 10 days…even if i didn’t feel any better yet. 

and i mostly love that he was right.

because i feel more normal than i’ve ever felt in a first trimester.  i wouldn’t go as far as saying i feel good, but i don’t feel like i want to die.  i still have a very strong aversion to smells.  i still feel pretty lousy in the evenings.  i still don’t feel like doing much around my house.  i still get car sick when i’m in the car.  i still hate to shower and get ready.  i still can’t bring myself to cook (smells).  i still loathe the grocery store.  i still have moments where i feel pretty awful. 

but i haven’t thrown up in 10 days.  i haven’t had an IV in 14 days.  i haven’t been in tears (due to how lousy i feel) for 10 days.  i haven’t wished i wasn’t pregnant in 10 days. 

i still need to “get through” a few more weeks.  but i have never felt this “not bad” in my first trimester.  i’ll take it. 

thank you, mr. banderas, for not giving up on me when i was ready to give up on myself.  after 6 pregnancies, i was convinced i knew my own body better than you.  i was wrong.  and i’ve never been happier about being wrong. 

{here’s to not jinxing my good fortune by acknowledging it.}

maybe i’ll share my secrets tomorrow. 

venting

i’m sick….on top of being sick.  i have a sore throat, congested nose, and a ridiculous cough.  annoying. 

damon is still working ridiculous hours.  his ship date (funny, i just typed that as “slip date”; i think i’m on to something with that new phrase) has slipped once again and has been pushed out to thanksgiving.  which means the madness won’t be stopping anytime soon.  while i’m frustrated that he is gone so much and we miss him and need him, i am worried about him and his health as well.  a human can only survive on a few hours of sleep a night for so many days.  and i’m pretty sure that months and months of this stupid schedule is harder on his body than he realizes.  i. am. beyond. annoyed.  i want my husband back. 

my calvin necklace broke several weeks ago.  he came unglued.  :)  at first, i thought maybe it was a sign that i was ready to be without it, but now that i’m pregnant again and his “date” is rapidly approaching, i miss it.  and it bothers me that i’m not wearing him. 

ray’s birthday was saturday.  the boy is six.  a good time was had, and i will write about it soon.

i am going to visit with a psychologist today to discuss some recent issues with savannah.  i am anxious and dreading it at the same time.

ray and asher are playing go-go’s crazybones right now about 5 feet away from me.  i love listening to kids’ conversations when they think you’re not aware of them.  they are so funny.

we went to a local hotel friday night for ray’s birthday.  when we returned 22 hours later, the house REEKED.  why, you ask?  because, unbeknownst to me, my oldest child decided to cook herself an omelet in the 20 minutes she was home from school [by herself] before we left for the hotel.  only she never ate the omelet (how do you spell omelet?;this doesn’t look right, but it’s what my program is prompting me to write.  weird.) BECAUSE SHE LEFT IT COOKING ON THE GAS STOVE ALL NIGHT LONG!!  yes,  just deleted a bunch of stuff.  moving on.

it’s hard to muster up the motivation to initiate sunday family pictures when damon’s gone and i just don’t really feel like taking a picture.  of me,  or anyone.  blah. 

my doctor may be a miracle worker.  more on that later.

i hate to take showers right now.  the smells of getting clean are too much for me.  besides the fact that it’s so much effort to find clean clothes that fit right now.  it’s much easier to stay in the same comfy outfit for days and days than it is to shower. 

my house is a land mine right now.  people have offered to come clean for me, but i just don’t think it’s right when every single one of my children is capable of doing more.  there’s no reason why my children and husband (if he was home) can’t pick up the slack.  it’s just that motivation thing again:  it takes motivation and effort on my part to get the kids to do what needs to be done.

there are no words for the state of my laundry room.  i cannot wait to be feeling up to doing laundry on my own again.  the disorganization and mayhem is disturbing.  again, more deleting.  moving on.

my laptop battery stopped working so i (meaning damon) ordered a new one.  then my charger stopped working so i (meaning damon) ordered a new one.  now i have a new battery, 2 chargers, and my laptop is still funky.  i have to have it plugged into an outlet for it to work.  moving on.

the last time i filled my car up with gas was over a month ago.  i still have a 1/4 tank.  another benefit to my first trimester:  i hate driving and being in the car.  i avoid it all costs.

elli is getting straight A’s.  it’s a good thing because i may still be mad at her for almost burning our house down.  or ruining my favorite pan.  or making our house reek.

nolan is feeling jipped because he’s not allowed into the girls’ room without asking.  yet they can come barging into his room anytime they want.  hmm.  definitely unfair.

i like real bagels.  not the fake ones. 

even though it’s “the only thing that works” for morning sickness, according to some message boards i read, i am not going to use medical marijuana to get me through my first trimester.

emma got her haircut.  with bangs.  she loved it at first, but was in tears yesterday because it wasn’t cooperating.  girls and haircuts.  life’s hard.

i have noticed four (annoying) skin tags since i’ve gotten pregnant.  i hope my body is done creating them.

the varicose veins are back.

i had a deadline of finishing this post by 10:30 because i need to get in the shower and be gone by 11:15.  at exactly 10:30 (1 minute ago), i heard the shower turn on.  damon is up, fully rested with his 5 hours of sleep, and getting ready for work.  isn’t that how it always works?  i’ve been up since roughly 5:30 and he gets in the shower before me?  moving on.

we learned how to forgive in sunbeams a few weeks ago.  i can forgive elli and damon (for stealing my shower).

first trimesters make me negative. 

october is this week.

president monson’s message from saturday’s meeting was lovely.  i needed it.  it is lovely, regardless of your beliefs or religious affiliation. 

i’m gonna go make damon’s day…

fighting for joy

it’s been less than an hour since i was shocked by the news. 

it’s been less than an hour since my heart leapt and then, just as quickly, sank.

it’s been less than a minute since my eyes filled up with tears…again.

it’s been less than an hour since i casually took a pregnancy test, a test that i “casually” take nearly every month.

it’s been less than an hour since the date april 26th took hold in my mind

it’s been less than an hour that i have felt elation mixed with grief; joy mixed with sadness; pride mixed with fear;

it’s been less than an hour since a simple little stick changed my life.

again.

 

today is august 21st.  it’s savannah’s seventh birthday.  i had no intentions of taking a pregnancy test this morning when i rolled out of bed.  but curiosity got the best of me.  and before reason and logic could change my mind, i had opened the packaging and there was no turning back.  i braced myself for the disappointment.  the disappointment i was used to feeling every month after i waited the excruciatingly long 3 minutes for the results to appear.  i reminded myself how wacky my cycle had been these last few months, reminiscent of my wacky cycles when i struggled with infertility and reassured myself that the timing of everything wasn’t possible:  with damon being gone for an entire week on his high adventure trip combined with his ridiculously long work hours where we’ve hardly crossed paths the last several weeks, the chances were slim that we could have conceived.  i tried to convince myself that it would in fact be a relief that we were yet another month closer to our year-long wait to try to conceive. 

but i didn’t have much time.  because almost as quickly as the first window filled with blue, the second window appeared with an even stronger blue line.  my eyes filled with tears.  first it was because i was shocked.  then it was because i was thrilled.  then it was because i was scared out of my mind. 

i came out of the bathroom, my eyes overflowing with tears, my right hand holding the news and quietly said, “i’m pregnant.” to damon who had woken up right beside me.  he saw my tears and immediately asked how i felt about being pregnant?  he was confused; was it good news or bad news? 

i think good.  but there is a heaviness there, too.  a fear that i have missed an opportunity to have a VBAC because i didn’t wait the entire full year.  a fear that something will go wrong with this pregnancy.  a fear that morning sickness is imminent.  a fear that this is going to be a harder {emotional} journey than i realize.  a fear that i won’t be able to keep this news to myself for as long as i want to.  a fear that i am moving on too quickly without calvin. 

a fear that has a valid place inside my heart, right next to the joy.

the thing is i’ve never felt fear with the news of learning that i am pregnant.  i have never felt doubt.  i have never felt like i wasn’t “ready”, physically or otherwise.  i’ve never felt a sickness in the pit of my stomach (that wasn’t related to morning sickness).  it has always been complete joy and happiness and anticipation and love.  so the wide spectrum of emotions is brand new to me.  i’m already a basket case.  the tears have started flowing more times than i can count in just the hour that it’s been since my life has changed again. 

i’ve calculated my due date:  april 26th, 2011. {which has since been adjusted to april 24th, 2011}

i’ve calculated how far along i’ll be for the scrapbook convention (hopefully just coming out of my morning sickness).

i’ve calculated how far along i’ll be at christmas-time (20 weeks).

i’ve calculated how far along i’ll be on october 15th (13 weeks, just entering my second trimester).

i’ve calculated how old the baby would be for our annual ensign ranch campout (potentially 3 months)

and i’ve calculated when i would have the baby if he/she was born at 32 weeks (february).

 

what i know in my heart is that everything will be just as it should.  and i will fight for joy over fear. 
barry baby number 7:  we are excited and thrilled to have you in our family.

[i’m pretty sure JOY just kicked FEAR’s butt] 
over and out.  saturday, august 21st, 2010.  10:52 a.m.

first days…with words

it was definitely different. 

it was a little slower than usual.  it was a little more disorganized than usual.  there were definitely less pictures than usual.  it was a little crazier than usual.  it was less documented than usual. 

because it was the first day that morning sickness got the best of me. 

it was september 1st.  we started off with our family breakfast, a little later than usual.  but a lot earlier than we’d been used to.  it was so nice to get back into that routine.  i’ve missed its consistency over the summer. 

emma, nolan and savannah would start school first, ray would join them at mid-day for PM kindergarten, and elli would have an extra day to waste before she started the following morning.  it’s tradition that i walk with the kids on their first day, which is the reason the kids were almost late to their first day [unheard of for us].  because i’m slow. 

because we were so rushed, the only classroom i got to go into was savannah’s.  i walked by nolan’s on my way out of the school and his class was lined up to go somewhere.  nolan was at the head of the line, but i could tell the teacher had already set some pretty hard and fast ground rules because his eyes locked with mine, but there was no way he was going to acknowledge my presence, with words or gestures or otherwise.  his eyes seemed to say to me, “please don’t say hi to me, mom.  i don’t want to get in trouble.”  so i gave him a quick smile, went into the office to complete safe arrival for the day, and ray and i headed home.  slowly.

i probably went back to bed.  i don’t remember.

but 12:06 came pretty fast.  that’s when ray’s bus shows up at our house.  and he was thrilled to step onto that bus as a full-fledged kindergartener.  it seems as if he’s been waiting to get on a real school bus…as a student…for years.  loved that he’s living his dream. 

    

elli and i drove up to the school to watch him get off the bus on his first day and to take a few more pics of him.  nolan and a couple of his friends were at their lunch recess and came running over when they saw me and waited for ray’s bus to arrive, too.  as soon as ray got off the bus, he went over and gave nolan a big hug.  so cute. 

because we were running so late that morning, i didn’t really get many pictures of the kids until after school that day. 

here is what each of the kids had to say about their first days:

ray’s thoughts on being a kindergartener:

• thinks his teacher is really nice
• thrilled that he got 2 “kissing hand” cookies, one for him and one for me
• loved eating snack
• was excited to see nolan when he got off the bus and can’t wait to see him at recess
• getting to ride the bus was just as cool as he’d expected
• he’s eager to earn marbles for his table’s marble jar so he can choose a prize from the prize bucket
• thinks “jake is really mean, mom”
• “can i run home by myself- or do i have to wait for emma and nolan and savannah to cross the street with me?”

savannah’s thoughts on being a first-grader:

• loves her new metal tinkerbell lunchbox
• likes that her new teacher “helps” her all the time
• likes seeing her friends again
• likes having julia w. in her class
• loves that she learned how to tie her shoes this past summer (thank you, nolan!), making her eligible to wear her new purple converse high-tops to school (my rule, not the school’s)
• did not like that i sent carrots with her for snack; she much preferred the standard goldfish that were provided for the entire class in kindergarten

nolan’s thoughts on being a 3rd-grader:

• he doesn’t like that the entire class gets punished for only a few kids’ misbehaviors
• his new lunchbox that helps keep his lunch protected (instead of a paper bag)
• his teacher is “more nice than not nice”
• likes having a binder this year
• recess is cool
• he was thrilled to be chosen as the first lunch helper for the week, which means he got a free hot lunch for working as a lunch server.

 
 

emma’s thoughts on being at the top of the totem pole (6th-grade):

• LOVES her teacher
• loves that her teacher is super funny and “isn’t afraid to make fun of people” in her class. 
• loves that her teacher gives prizes and lets them listen to music in their class
• loves how cool her teacher is and how much freedom they have
• loves that her teacher treats the students like adults
• loves learning guitar in music and that she got to pick taylor swift as her research subject
• is running for school secretary this week (i love that she’s willing to take a risk)
• is thrilled to have QUEST on thursdays again with the same teacher, mrs. thacker

 

elli’s thoughts on being an 8th-grader:

• thrilled to have a top locker again
• loves that all of her classes are on the bottom floor of the junior high; no more going up and down the stairs trying to rush to her classes
• thinks her LA (language arts) teacher is really strange because she is energetic and “wears red pantsuits, mom”
• loves that she finally has a class with her BFF
• doesn’t love that her boy BFF moved back to michigan on the second day of school.  broken heart.  another post for sure
• has a new choir teacher who is really quiet and isn’t quite sure what to make of him yet
• LOVES her French class and is begging to go on a school “chaperoned” trip to europe this summer.  um, not happening.
• after 6 years of basketball, doesn’t want to play this year because she doesn’t think she’ll make JV and thought it was too much work last year and not enough fun
• still wants to play volleyball because volleyball was super fun, even the practices
• after having to write her 3rd autobiography project in the last 2 years, asked if she could keep all of her scrapbooks in her own room so she could look through them more frequently.  and thanked me for making her autobiography writing assignments seem so easy because it’s all right there for her in her scrapbooks.  thrilled.

my thoughts on having all five of my children gone at the same time (12 pm- 3:30-ish), 5 days a week:

• ask me again in about 6 weeks when i can actually make productive use of that time. 
• also, it’s ridiculously expensive to have 5 kids in the public school system.  between yearbook pre-orders, signing up for PTSAs, donating money to the irthday book club, craft fees, subscription fees, supplies fees, school supplies, ASB memberships, athletic fees, and now picture day tomorrow (shoot me now), i have easily forked over a thousand dollars the past month.  ridiculous.

i’m really happy to be done with this post. it has required way too much effort, but has been nagging at me for weeks.