Sunday, January 31, 2010

sunday pictures: week 2

i love teaching sunbeams.

i love blue toenails and black fishnet stockings.

so do my sunbeams.

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i love that i’m learning little things about my camera and about people placement for family pictures- three minutes at a time.  which is about what my family’s attention span is when it comes to taking family pictures.

i love that half of us are in our church clothes, and the other half have already changed out of them.

i {don’t} love that elli has taught all the little kids to make peace signs in every picture.

i love that my kids suddenly get excited to take a family picture because the camera is ticking away.  it’s like a game.

i love that savannah is so attentive- front and center in the picture.  she’s taking this picture thing seriously.

but i really love that ray can completely change his expression in between each one-second-automatic-click of the camera.

just like in real life.

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and i especially love when damon comes home. 

note to self:  two 3-minute photo ops (one pre-damon and one post-damon) on the same sunday is about 4 minutes beyond my family’s attention span.   

Saturday, January 30, 2010

tired (of ikea)

I am at ikea.
I feel like i have arthritis in my knees and elbows
it's painfully slow to blog from my phone.
more tomorrow.

Friday, January 29, 2010

three and a half months later

  • i have the same closest friends, but a much larger network of friends
  • i have gained  about 5 pounds
  • i wear the same clothes over and over- just like i did when i was pregnant.  only they’re not maternity, thank goodness.
  • i am (a teeny, tiny bit) more patient with savannah
  • i am wishing i’d taken krista’s advice and not let my kids get hooked on t.v. (or video games in my case) while i grieved
  • i am a little softer in my responses
  • i can relate better to others’ trials
  • i am appreciating where i’m at in my life at this moment- and i’m not in a rush to get somewhere else
  • i do not feel overcome with sadness and heartache when i think of calvin
  • i think of calvin often
  • my kids still ask questions about calvin
  • my kids wonder why our baby died, but my friends’ babies didn’t
  • i have scrapbooked the events of october in 3/6 of my children’s scrapbooks
  • i have eaten a lot of chocolate
  • i still sleep with my thumper stuffed animal i got at disneyland
  • i still rub my fingers along my numb c-section scar
  • i am ridiculously forgetful
  • i am highly disorganized in my home
  • i am sleeping a lot and have low energy
  • i am anxious for people to ask about calvin rather than dreading a conversation about him
  • i have a deeper relationship with my wonderful husband
  • i am more conscious of the things i say and do
  • i do not run my life by my calendar
  • my  phone rings a lot less
  • i feel more aware of others around me
  • i have only recently (this past week) removed the bright blue nail polish that mandy painted my toenails with the night before calvin was born (and replaced it with another bright blue)
  • we have still not figured out what we’re doing for a headstone for calvin’s grave
  • i still take my prenatal vitamins and the baby aspirin that dr. gavrila put me on for my heart- daily
  • my testimony of the plan of salvation and prayer is solid
  • i am still honoring my doctor’s wishes and patiently waiting for my body to heal from the c-section before we try to have another baby again
  • i am (trying to be) less sarcastic, but still funny
  • i need my blog to sort out my thoughts and let them go
  • my blogposts are too long and more serious
  • people understand me a little better
  • i am in awe of all that my friend, mandy has done for me (which doesn’t mean that my other friends haven’t done a lot for me)
  • i am able to hold and love others’ babies without resentment
  • i wear jewelry
  • i cry less, but still often
  • i continue to feel an immense amount of love and support from unexpected sources
  • i proudly say that i am a mother of 6.  no more waffling. 
  • i take less pictures
  • i feel drawn to watching movies or reading stories about pregnant women
  • i am genuinely happy for others who are able to have healthy pregnancies and babies
  • i am still unsure of how i’m going to truly feel when  mandy has her baby in a couple weeks
  • i miss dr. gavrila
  • i am friends on facebook with some of my nurses
  • i am still overwhelmed with gratitude over all the little unexpected things that people do for me that show me that they are still thinking of me. 
  • i deeply appreciate others’ acts of kindness towards me.  especially complete strangers who have come out of the blue to acknowledge me and give their support to me.
  • i am still in awe that all of this has happened in my life
  • i feel less guilt about not being able to keep my son alive and healthy inside my body, but i still wonder if things could have been different
  • my in-laws are coming for dinner again on wednesdays, as of 2 days ago
  • i am frustrated with my lack of motivation to clean my house and do some things that i need to do and with the amount of time i waste
  • i am wondering if i am depressed?  (naomi- i will await your diagnosis in my inbox) :)
  • i am realizing how much continuous effort and work it is to have the relationship that i want with my husband and children.  and, for the first time in my life, that i am willing to give what it takes.
  • i am still unable to go back and look at the dvd i have of calvin alive and well inside me from ultrasounds taken before october 13th.
  • going to the hospital or driving by it makes me anxious and sad
  • i still love looking at the pictures shannon took of our family in the hospital
  • i am baffled that some people in my life still haven’t acknowledged the birth and death of my son.  weird.
  • i have more time on my hands than i ever dreamed i would have at this point in my life.  and it doesn’t feel the way i dreamed it would feel
  • i am a better mom in some ways and a worse mom in other ways
  • way more people are reading my blog
  • i am still living my life one day at a time
  • i am different, but still me.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

primary songs

it’s been a while.

i used to listen to primary music in the car all the time.  it’s my favorite.  it used to be my kids’ music of choice.  then elli grew up.  and started rolling her eyes whenever she’d hear primary music in the car.  she owns the radio, you know.  it doesn’t matter what anybody else wants to listen to.  she reminds me of myself when i was a {selfish, loud, radio-controlling} teenager.  {sigh}

today i was running errands with ray.  after cycling through my “favorites”  about 12 times, i switched the radio over to CD, wondering if i even had anything in there.  when the soothing primary music started playing, it nearly brought tears to my eyes.  ok, it DID bring tears to my eyes.

ray immediately said, “leave it here!  i like this song.  do you like this song, mom?” 

and i did.  i don’t remember which song it even was.  but i definitely liked it.  we listened to the cd for about 45 minutes while we were running around.  i heard ray singing along to many of the songs.  if he didn’t know the words, he told me to go to the next song and the next song, until he recognized one he could sing. 

there were 2 songs i heard today that stood out to me.  one was Hum Your Favorite Hymn.  it reminded me of my days in college at BYU.  i used to hum this song when i walked to and from my classes on campus.  i would often walk alone and this song kept my mind busy and cheerful as i sang it in my head.  it helped calm my nerves when i was walking to the testing center to take a test.  it helped calm my mind when i was stressed about other life-related events.  it helped put a smile on my face whenever i needed it.  i was reminded to sing this song often, probably several times daily, in my college days.  i love its message and that it has stuck with me all these years.

today when i heard it, the words “Before you say an angry word, remember you’ll regret it.  For once it’s said, the harm is done AND SOME FOLKS WON’T FORGET IT” really hit home with me. 

as a mother and a wife, i really have to be careful what comes out of my mouth- especially in anger.  the words and tone i use when i’m angry can be irreparable.   and i need to be more conscious of what i’m saying to my children and what i’m teaching them. 

the other song that stood out to me today was because of its simplicity.  i love its simple message.  i love that it is directly applicable in my own life as much as it is directly applicable in my children’s lives. 

I Want to Live the Gospel

The part that stood out to me strongly today (and the reason that i played the song several times over and over on my way home from taking ray to school today) is the beautiful message in the chorus:

I will try in all I do and say
To live the gospel more each day
I will try in all I do and say
To live the gospel more each day

There couldn’t be a sweeter message that i needed to hear today than that one.  it gives me hope.  it gives me a renewed purpose to try and live the gospel more each day.  even when i feel like i’m not doing a very good job. 

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

why ray doesn’t need

a wii fit.

or even clothes, for that matter.

introducing wii sports resort sword fighting…

maybe he has earned his six-pack. 

and his buns of steel.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

a slice of everyday life

we try and have breakfast together every morning, at the table, while damon reads scriptures at 7:05 a.m.- except for thursdays and saturdays

nolan asks every single day if he can have a friend over- within 30 seconds of walking in the door from school.  elli doesn’t bother to ask, she just has a bunch of people that follow her home everyday.

damon wakes up first- usually at 6:15, after he’s hit snooze twice.  then i smile and stretch out onto his side of the bed and sleep for about 10 minutes more because it feels so freeing to not have to be the first one up.

at the end of every month, i upload and order all of that month’s pictures from snapfish.  most of the order is done in collage prints to save space in my scrapbooks.  some months it takes me 10-12 hours to complete this. 

we have  a prayer system.  7 members of our family, 7 days of the week.  Ray is monday; damon is sunday.  strangely enough, elli and emma hardly ever say the prayer.  i think we must not be praying on thursdays and fridays.  weird.

i don’t like to be behind a closed door.  i like to leave doors open- just in case. 

we try to have family home evenings every monday night.  even if it’s superbly simple.  sometimes, the adversary visits me about 30 minutes before FHE should begin and i get the urge to be extra cranky and impatient and sometimes even cancel that precious family time together. 

when my kids tell me they’re bored, i find it very easy to find something for them to do.  they don’t tell me they’re bored very often.

i like to think ahead.  and be prepared.  some people might call that controlling.  i call it organized for my own sanity.

emma likes to help me in the kitchen.  especially on tuesdays when i’m trying to prepare meals for 3 families.  all the other kids like to “help”, too.  the difference is that emma is actually helpful.

i usually wear a bra, but i always wear a shade undershirt of some sort.

elli asks if she can have a facebook account every day.

i go through the kids’ backpacks and folders on friday afternoons and take care of all the forms/signatures/sign-ups/homework etc right away so that i’m not scrambling to figure it all out on sunday night.  or monday morning.

i like to take a nap on sundays.  my kids think that whispering nonsense questions to me while i’m trying to sleep is respecting my wishes to leave me alone.  locking my door only makes it worse.

i pay all the bills.  with damon’s money.

nolan and ray sleep in the extra room instead of in their own beds.  elli and emma share a queen size bed. 

we rarely watch t.v.

i make a real breakfast every morning- except for thursdays and saturdays.

we eat breakfast together as a family more consistently than we eat dinner together.

i am a room parent in each of my children’s classrooms.  however, i don’t think i’ve lifted a finger this entire school year since october 13th.

elli looks totally put together (on the outside) when she leaves for school.  even though she usually forgets something every day.

damon takes leftovers for lunch.  the kids make their own lunches- except for thursdays.  savannah gets a free lunch because the state pays for it.  ellison buys lunch or “forgets to eat”.  ray is still working on his breakfast at lunch time.

elli and emma can’t seem to keep their room clean.  no matter how many times they clean it in a week.  will they ever learn?

nolan and savannah empty all the garbage cans in the house every tuesday morning.

savannah {and sometimes ray} unloads the dishwashers in the morning.

i feel the need to give savannah chores in the morning to keep her on task and so i know exactly where she is and what she’s doing. 

elli and emma {complain that they have to} load the dishwashers

i (sometimes) re-load the dishwashers after elli and emma do a sloppy job.

i sort all the laundry, but only fold and put away mine and damon’s clothes.  savannah folds and puts away the 3 little kids’ clothes.  elli and emma put away their own clothes.  nobody (except for damon) folds underwear or pajamas.

i hate cleaning the floors.

someone is always on the computer in the kitchen.  someone else is always complaining that someone is always on the computer.

i wish we played more board games.

savannah is the first and easiest one to put to bed at 7.  ray should be the first, but definitely isn’t the easiest to put to bed. 

the 3 little kids go to bed by 7:30, sometimes earlier if i’m having a bad day.  elli and emma are supposed to be in bed by 9, but we all know that doesn’t really happen.

damon tucks the kids into bed every night.

we have cat fur on our couches.  i don’t like animal hair on our couches.  or anywhere.  ray likes to use the sticky lint brush on the couches.  or directly on the cats.  they’re both fun.

nolan is the first one awake- if we’re not using an alarm.  if i didn’t wake her up, elli would sleep in until dinnertime.  savannah may or may not sleep at all during the night.

we have an alarm on savannah’s door that is really loud if she gets up in the middle of the night and tries to leave her bedroom.  interestingly enough, she hasn’t left her bedroom after the first 2 times she set it off.

i sleep much more soundly knowing that savannah is in her bedroom where she’s supposed to be. 

i love being the sunbeams teacher.  damon wishes he was more organized as the YM president.  elli is the beehive secretary.  yes, secretary.  which means she should be organized.

i hate running errands.  damon doesn’t mind.  i prefer to stay at home doing things while he prefers to run the errands.  we both prefer to leave the kids at home and run errands together.  that’s the ideal scenario.

we all miss calvin.

we have cookie wednesday every wednesday from 1-5.  i bake about 20 dozen cookies every wednesday.  anywhere from 15- 25 kids show up at our house throughout the course of the afternoon for cookies.

when i leave the house, i make sure to have my cell phone, my keys, my purse, and my burt’s bees’ chapstick.  and usually my rain boots.

my in-laws used to come to dinner every wednesday, but they haven’t come since calvin’s birth.

thursdays are insane.  I wake elli up at 6:30, fix her an easy breakfast, wake nolan up at 6:45 and do the same.  nolan, ellison, and i leave at 7:15 to take nolan to chess club at mann and elli to junior high.  i wake savannah up when i get home at 7:30 and feed her and drive her to school at 8:10 and wake up emma when i get home so she can be ready to go to her school at 9, which damon takes her to on his way to work.  ray plays video games.

on thursdays, ray and emma and savannah and nolan all get out of school at 3 p,m.- from three very different locations.  sometimes i have to leave my house at 2:20 and start picking them up early in order to gather all of them.  it takes me over an hour to pick them all up.  good thing i have “connections” and i’m not responsible for getting them all EVERY thursday.

ray still wears a pull-up at night.  and that’s the only thing he wears. 

damon and i try to say a prayer together every night.  sometimes we forget.

i read my scriptures online for 10 minutes right after i post everyday.

i try and attend every sports game that my children are in.  it’s a big deal to me because i wished my parents had attended all of my sports games when i was in high school.

i am the safe arrival chair at the elementary school.

we have sleepovers at our house every weekend.  anywhere from 3-10 extra kiddos.  which is totally fine by me- unless they stay up until morning.  that’s not totally fine by me. 

our kitchen table as been hijacked by the projector and all its equipment.  i hate it, but love playing xbox/rockband and watching movies on our living room wall.  it’s give and take.

our house is still unfinished.

our mailbox is across the street.  and seems very far away- even though it’s only one house down (and across the street).  i usually go out of my way when i’m out and about in my car to come home to my house from the correct driver’s-side-door-on-the-mailbox-side-of-the-street in order to get the mail from the luxury of my car.  when i do this,  the kids usually ask if they can “walk home”. 

when savannah listens, she is a huge help to me. 

i keep the 3 little kids’ clothes in cubbies in the laundry room.  they don’t have any dressers or clothing in their rooms.  i like having control over their clothes. 

the older girls keep all their clothes on their floor.  even though their closet is bigger than the master closet.

all of our kids’ bedrooms are bigger than our master bedroom. 

i have the 3 little kids take off their church clothes right after church and lay them on my bed.  i keep them in my closet in complete outfits so that i never have to look for anything on sunday mornings.

emma was just diagnosed with hypo-thyroidism- just like her mom (me) and grandma.  we are hoping that the medication she started taking this week will make a difference in a lot of areas of her life.

ray has a mild form of sleep apnea.  we are hoping that having his tonsils and adenoids removed will make a big difference in his sleeping pattern.

savannah talks to the cats like they’re her children.  ray still doesn’t know the difference between our two cats.

savannah is easily distracted.

so are the rest of my children.

i weigh less than damon.  i think this is important to me.

damon makes a killer bed in the morning.  way better than me.

i do at least one load of laundry every day- usually 2-3 on mondays.

we usually run both dishwashers at least once every day.

my kids love to make smoothies.  my kids also love to promise that they will clean up the mess they make when they make smoothies.  my kids think setting the blender jar in the sink is all they need to do to clean up the mess they make when they make smoothies.  doesn’t even come close.

we drink orange juice for breakfast every morning.  for some reason, i don’t like my children drinking juice at any other time of the day.  we drink water or milk for dinner.  and have water the rest of the day.

i cook on tuesdays, wednesdays, and sundays.  shaws deliver dinner on thursdays, fleigs on mondays, and we have leftovers or make-your-own-dinners on friday/saturdays. 

when my kids are responsible for making their own dinner, they make cup o noodles or top ramen.  and they are in heaven.  and they also leave their cups out. 

my kids bring cereal for lunch on wednesdays.

i only take my calvin necklace(s) off to shower.

i have a new cell phone that finally simplifies texting and has gps and e-mail capabilities, but it {literally} takes me 2 minutes to figure out how to make a phone call.  sometimes i just stare at my phone and don’t know what to do next to try and make a phone call.   i’m not sure if it’s worth the extra trouble.

ellison and emma are disrespectful to each other.  elli thinks it’s all emma’s problem.  and emma thinks it’s all elli’s problem.  i might think it’s savannah’s problem.

ellison is still eligible for the $500 reward for not kissing any boys until she turns 16 (thank you for the brilliant idea, april!).

ray plays video games way too much.

i waste a lot of my time during the day right now.  i give in to the temptation to take a nap after the kids leave for school way too often.  i am either ON and crazy/productive.  or OFF and slothful.  there is no in-between for me.

our second most frequented place for date night is coho cafe- where they offer a microsoft 2 for 1 discount. 

our first most-freqented place for date night is our own home.

damon and i end every evening on our laptops next to each other in bed.

damon and i fall asleep on his side of the bed all snuggly and stuff.  then, when when my neck and back start to hurt from falling asleep with his arms wrapped around me (or when he starts to snore too loud), i move back over to my side of the bed with just thumper. 

all of the kids do their homework independently.  they rarely ask for help.  when they do ask for help, it is usually just as confusing for damon and me so we’re not very helpful.

i try and get together to scrapbook with my friends at least once a month.  i scrapbook here and there on my own.  scrapbooking is one of the few things in my life that i take seriously and have a very organized system figured out in a way that works for me. 

we fill our suburban up with gas about every 2 1/2 weeks.  it costs about $75 to fill the 26-gallon tank.  We fill our cars up when they hit the 1/4 tank mark.  we learned this lesson as newlyweds when our brand new jetta ran out of gas in the middle of an intersection and we asked the people behind us to gently bump us into the gas station on the corner, which they very hesitantly did.  and ended up scratching up our bumper with the screws from their license plate.  damon and i were just leaving arizona to head back to utah.  i don’t think we said a word to each other for the entire (12-hour)  return trip back.  (painful) lesson learned. 

i don’t like to eat lunch.  mostly because i don’t like to make lunch.  or clean up after lunch. 

i don’t wear make-up.  unless i’m feeling really bold.  then i put on mascara.  damon assures me he prefers me make-up-less.  which is a good thing because i’m a no-frills kind of girl.

the kids shower/bathe on tuesdays, thursdays, and for sure saturdays.

all of the kids have special blankets they prefer to sleep with.

our favorite meal is brisket with my mashed potatoes and homemade rolls.  hawaiian haystacks and baked spaghetti are my fall-back favorites.  i usually have all the ingredients for those meals in a pinch.

my favorite breakfast is an egg sandwich with cheese and bacon on a whole wheat english muffin.  unless the egg is runny.  then i will spit it out and it’s not my favorite.

ray has to be reminded to go back in the bathroom to flush the toilet and wash his hands every time he goes to the bathroom.

after damon puts his lunch containers on the kitchen counter when he walks in the door from work, he gives me a really long hug. 

i go to costco about once a week.  usually on the same day.  i rarely shop anywhere else.  i prefer woodinville costco over kirkland costco.

i like to answer e-mails as soon as i receive them.  if i don’t, i forget about them.  and i hate going back into my inbox to figure it all out.  i get really irritated when i send an e-mail with a request for simple information and it goes unanswered.  i wish everyone would hit REPLY as quickly as i do. 

nolan loves the diary of a wimpy kid book series.  emma loves reading high school level books.  ray loves reading i spy books.  savannah loves reading anything.  elli is always complaining that she doesn’t have anything to read.   damon and i always keep books on our nightstands.  which we may or may not read, depending on lots of factors.

savannah is the only kid who consistently puts her backpack and coat and shoes away when she walks in the door.  all the others are perfectly content to set their backpack within inches of their locker and step over it every time it presents a problem.  which is often.

i have my ‘e-mail toast pop-up thing’ currently disabled because i can’t seem to accomplish anything on my computer when i am alerted every single time i have an e-mail.  the temptation to click on that toast is sickening.  i can’t handle it.  i am actually able to finish a task when i don’t know that i’m receiving e-mails. 

the most played with toys at our house are Legos, Barbies, train tracks, books, dress up, and video games.

if the sun is out in any form, i prefer for my kids to be outside playing.  or anything.  just not inside.

damon has a {slim} chance of getting lucky if all the kids are in bed and asleep before 9 o’clock.  and the floors are cleaned.

i try and only spend 15 minutes of my time blogging, but sometimes it takes much longer.  usually i’m ok with that because i’m documenting something that i want to document.  something i want to know a year from now or 10 years from now.  strangely enough, these are all things i want to know about my life 10 years from now. 

Monday, January 25, 2010

parting words

said as they walked out the door this morning:

Elli:  I heard you! (screamed with heavy annoyance at my insistence that she come straight home from school to clean her room)

Emma:  That doesn’t go in my locker, Savannah!

Nolan:  Savannah’s going to make us late for school!

Savannah:  Wait for me!

Ray:  Why do I have to go to school today, mom?

Damon:  Why did you just roll your eyes at me?

 

me:  sometimes it seems i can’t get them out the door soon enough. (don’t pretend that you don’t talk to yourself after you shove your family out the door in the morning)

it was one of those mornings…

Sunday, January 24, 2010

sunday thoughts

i wish i’d never taught my kids to use the words “retard” and “crap” by my bad example.

i did something today that i’ve wanted to do for the past 3 sundays:  take a family picture using the timer on my camera.  i hope to take some semblance of a family picture every sunday this year.  i’m trying to get over the fact that damon will not be in many pictures because he has meetings right after church- and if we wait for him to get home, we forget.  we have a lot to learn, but i’m hoping we’ll have at least one fun family picture come december.  or lots.     2010 01 178 2010 01 179 2010 01 180 2010 01 181 2010 01 188 2010 01 189  2010 01 191 2010 01 194

i like crockpot dinners on sundays.

i also like having rhodes’ orange rolls for lunch right when we get home from church.

for some, “girls’ weekend” means hanging out and talking and watching movies and getting pedicures with your girlfriends.  for me, it means focusing on my kids’ scrapbooks and working really hard at an uninterrupted pace.  98 pages completed may not sound very fun to others, but it’s exactly the kind of weekend i was looking forward to. 

do meatballs, fresh rolls, and a bagged salad from costco that needs to be eaten count as a real dinner?  tonight, it does.

i am 4/4 for sundays with my sunbeams tying “living with santa claus in heaven before we came to earth” and “having their daddies tickle them” into the lesson.

we seem to have started a sunday tradition of having an early picnic dinner on a blanket in the living room while watching a movie on the projector.  i rather like it.  tonight’s movie choice is the neverending story 2.

i also seem to be starting a tradition of not feeling like blogging on sundays. 

Saturday, January 23, 2010

soft and squishy skin

The other day, I was loving on Ray in the morning after the rest of the kids left for school.  I love when it’s just me and him left in the quiet house.  He is usually still in his pajamas or just his pull-up and stinky breath.  He is like a big, huge baby that I love to snuggle up with on the couch.  I wrap him in his blanket and kiss him and rub his back and hug on him and he giggles. 

This particular day, I was telling Ray how much I loved his soft and squishy skin.  I told him it reminded me of when he was a baby, and that I love the feel of that innocent, smooth skin.  And then we cuddled some more until he got tired of me cuddling him and was ready to move on…to video games.

Later that afternoon, Ray came running out of my bathroom all excited.  He was holding this bottle of Softsoap Pomegranate and Mango Body Wash. 

2010 01 047  “Mom,  I think I know why my skin is so soft and squishy!  It’s because Emma used her special soap on me when she gave me a bath last night!  Do you want your skin to be soft and squishy, too?”

I’m happy to be back to that soft and squishy boy tonight. 

especially since he’s asleep already. 

Friday, January 22, 2010

my work

what i’m doing right now:

2010 01 162

{why is it always freezing on girls’ weekends? 
no matter where we are?}

it’s just after noon.
things i’ve already enjoyed this morning:

waking up at 10:48- because i wanted to get up (did you know you could want to get up?)
eating belgian waffles for breakfast- that i didn’t cook
what?  i only have to clean up after myself? 
that was easy.
and now i can go shower?
and put more wool socks on
and do whatever i want?

yesterday, when ray and i were driving around in the car, ray asked where damon was.  i told him he was at work.  he wanted to know what damon did for work.  i told him his dad worked for microsoft and helped to make things for our computers.  to which ray wondered why dad was always at work.  to which i gave him the standard answers.  which led to this question:

“mom- is your work to go around and get lots of things while i’m at school?”

sometimes it feels like that’s my work

it’s ok that he completely missed that my “real work” happens while he is home with me. 

he doesn’t even recognize that just being home with him is work.

few people do.

but the women i’m with

definitely get it.

so it feels unbelievably wonderful to just sit

- with my feet bundled up in wool socks.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

leaving

today i get to leave. 

my children.

my husband.

my house.

my responsibilities.

i get to go spend a couple days away to do what i want to do.  which is scrapbook.  and sleep.  and sit.  and maybe read.  and laugh.  and wear wool socks.  and probably cry.  and not cook.  and not clean.  and not put kids to bed.  and not have to be anywhere other than where i want to be. 

i live for these kinds of weekends.  they are just as necessary as getting away with my husband or for a family vacation.  they rejuvenate me in a way that nothing else can.  uninterrupted time to do a few things that i want to do is priceless in my world.  and i’m really grateful that i am offered that opportunity by my friends (and friend’s mom) and my husband. 

but it also makes me a little sad to break away.  to turn things over to my kids and my husband.  to know that even though i’ll be spending my time doing exactly what i always say i wish i could be doing, i’ll be missing out on things at home.  i can’t wait to get away, but i also kind of dread the separation.

do my kids and husband know that even though i am desperate, at times, to get away from it all, that i think about them the entire time i’m gone (or at the very least when they call me on the phone to ask me a nonsense question)?  do they know that even though i need time for myself that i would not trade my {exhausting} role as a mother for anything (except for maybe a trip to hawaii some days)?  do they know that getting away actually makes me a better mom and wife (for like 45 minutes after i get home)?  do they know i am usually just as anxious to return to them as i am to leave them(as long as they’re already asleep)?  do they know that i would take them with me if i could (actually, that’s an outright lie.  i just tell ray that to make him feel better)?

is it narcissistic of my to think that my family can’t function properly without me?  do they miss me like i miss them?  or is it not that big of a deal to have me gone for a few days?

either way, i’m leaving. 

some of the things i won’t miss while i’m away:

  • cleaning up messes i didn’t make
  • having people talk back to me
  • waking up at 6 a.m.
  • making meals for people who don’t eat them
  • telling ray 23 times tonight to get his pajamas and pull-up on
  • telling nolan that i still won’t take him to buy the game SPORE today
  • having to be 3 different places at once
  • hearing damon’s phone alarm go off 3 different times in the morning
  • finding things to keep savannah busy enough that she stays out of trouble
  • getting interrupted every 45 seconds

things i will miss while i’m away:

  • i can’t really think of anything right now, but i’m sure there’s something….

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p.s.  elli- now that you’re done reading my blog, get off the computer and go clean your room.  it’s probably a disaster.  miss you, too.  love, mom.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

bear with me

i am a self-professed jewelry- dummy.  i think jewelry is pretty, and i usually love it on other people.  i am envious of others who can pull off a fun necklace or funky bracelet. 

me?  i don’t have a clue.  i don’t have the patience or the jewelry know-how to figure out what pieces would go with which clothing.  it’s overwhelming to even think about one more aspect of getting ready.  simply showering and getting dressed is plenty for me.  i’m clueless.  and i rather like it that way.

but i find myself in a dilemma.  the 2 necklaces that i have recently been given surely aren’t supposed to be worn together.  but i can’t bring myself to choose between them.  i feel like they are a part of me like my wedding rings are a part of me.  these necklaces tell people that i am a mother like my wedding rings tell people that i am a wife.  i need these reminders around my neck.  but, even in my limited jewelry-wearing knowledge, i know they shouldn’t necessarily be worn together.

  2010 01 115 

please bear with me though as you cringe when you notice me all blinged out.  for me, it’s not about the way my jewelry complements my clothing, but about how the jewelry makes me feel.

i feel like i am accepting the birth and death of my son by wearing these beautiful reminders around my neck.  i feel like i am allowing others to recognize these parts of me when they notice my beautiful baby boy’s picture on my chest.  it gives others the opportunity to ask about my baby, about how many kids i have.  and i have the choice, in that moment, to answer as fully as a i want.  depending on the moment, i can simply acknowledge the fact that i have a baby boy.  or, depending on the situation, i can put a little more of my heart out there and tell them a little more.  either way, i feel like i am honoring and remembering my son and children on a daily basis in a way that i have control over.  in a way that brings a smile to my face.  even if others don’t notice the beauty hanging from my neck or don’t inquire about it, i feel power in wearing them.

i’ve only been wearing the necklace shannon gave me for 3 weeks.  and the one kara made me for 2 days.  kara also made a special silhouette charm with calvin’s name engraved on it that she suggested i pair with shannon’s scrabble tile pendant, which i’ve done.

2010 01 116and i think they look beautiful together. 

some of the special experiences that have happened while wearing these pieces:

  1. a couple weeks ago, i was a little sad during church.  ray noticed and asked me why i was crying.  i told him i was a little sad because i was thinking about calvin and i missed him.  ray looked at me like i was being really silly and then pointed to the pendant around my neck with calvin’s picture on it and said, “why do you miss him?  he’s right there, mom!”
  2. last week while i was sitting on the couch in our living room, ray came over and sat on my lap.  he picked up the pendant and said, “cute calvin, i love you” and kissed calvin’s picture.  then said, “mom, do you want to kiss cute calvin?”
  3. a complete stranger:  “is that your baby boy?  he’s beautiful.”
  4. in my primary class 2 sundays ago, i was teaching the 3-year-olds about the importance of coming to earth to receive a body.  i leaned over to get something out of my primary bag and one of the kids noticed my necklace dangling from my neck.  she quietly got off her seat, came over to me, and delicately held the pendant in her hands.  and then she asked, like only an innocent 3-year-old can ask, “did your baby have a body?”  and i was thrilled to answer, “yes!  my baby DID get a body when he came to earth.”

those are just a few of the reasons why i struggle to remove my necklaces even to shower.  they are a part of me.  i don’t want to miss any opportunities to talk about my son if people are willing to ask questions and listen to me. 

so- please bear with me and look past my jewelry faux pas as i continue to wear these pieces of jewelry together.  as i continue to accept the turns my life has taken these past months.  as i show the pride i have for the valiant warrior that i have for a son that is no longer on this earth for me to physically show off.  as a reminder of the strength that i have been given from my Heavenly Father to pick up the pieces and move on. 

i just don’t know any other way.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

top 36

of 36:
  1. having my children and husband make birthday signs and love notes that were hung all over the house
  2. the paper chain necklace that each of my children colored and cut out their own silhouettes for
  3. reminders of why my children love me taped to my window and mirrors and door (i’m “loving, cute, funny, kind, caring, good disneyland vacation planner, elli’s mother..”)
  4. ellison’s family home evening lesson she did all by herself on being positive (the irony does not escape me)
  5. a homemade coupon book from nolan that i have already redeemed the “one long hug” coupon from
  6. seattle sunshine
  7. see’s candy x3
  8. anonymous flowers delivered from someone who “knew i liked getting things in the mail”  hmmm….
  9. a Facebook message from an old friend in high school that reminisced about the first time he saw me after he transferred to my school from a small town in another state.  he told me he thought i was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen.  i wish i’d known that in high school, but i’ll take it 20 years later, too.
  10. lots and lots of e-mails
  11. lots and lots and lots more Facebook messages and notes on my wall and nice comments
  12. 5 blogposts dedicated to me or with a shout out to me
  13. my sister posting on her blog at my request
  14. a spontaneous trip to the zoo with my kids and another friend
  15. a free movie at the theatre on my birthday
  16. having my kitchen cleaned spotless by some good friends and my children while i was at the movie with damon.
  17. an e-mailed document that elli compiled that had a birthday message from each of the kids (so what that savannah’s message was, “Ummmmm.  ummmmm.”)
  18. elli (got the box out) and emma (actually did the work) making me birthday brownies since i’m not a cake fan. 
  19. elli and her friends eating all those birthday brownies today after school.  believe me, i’m counting that as a gift
  20. dinner made by mandy
  21. trusty birthday card with birthday money from in-laws
  22. self portraits taken in the mirror
  23. french toast for breakfast made by damon
  24. melting pot and a girls’ weekend later this week
  25. harry and david gift box of delicious treats
  26. a beautifully designed one-of-a-kind necklace damon had made just for me (thanks for letting me steal your idea, sarah).
  27. a lovely note from damon
  28. messages scrawled across my mirrors and glass front door with window markers
  29. laundry done and folded
  30. getting to sleep in because it was a holiday
  31. phone calls from my sisters
  32. getting sung to by my family
  33. a single text message from my text-messaging-fanatic friend
  34. birthday hugs from my kids
  35. crazy acknowledgement from just about everybody i know.  it’s like experiencing all the love and appreciation people have for me while i’m still alive.
  36. just discovering (as i wrote this post) that #26 was generously gifted to me by the designer of the necklace- who doesn’t even know me.  thanks, kara.  i love it.
   2010 01 106 2010 01 107   2010 01 111      2010 01 118  2010 01 121  2010 01 132 2010 01 133
it was the the best birthday i have ever experienced.
thank you.

Monday, January 18, 2010

my gifts

2010 01 130 

Today I could post about a lot of things.  I am overwhelmed with the feeling of love right now.   Love from others; love for others.   I have learned to not expect much from my birthdays, to just be OK with it being just like any other day.  And, usually, I’m totally OK with that.  So on years when my birthday is treated as anything but an ordinary day, it’s extra special to me.  And today was one of those days.  Maybe I will write about that tomorrow. 

I am aware of way too many faults and weaknesses caused from my own selfishness.  They make me sad and frustrated and annoyed with myself.  Maybe one day I will write about those, too.  Today, I wanted to think about and reflect on the gifts that I am lucky enough to be blessed with and nurture.  Certainly not gifts I have given myself, but gifts that I am able to recognize in myself and, hopefully, magnify. 

In no particular order, these are gifts that I recognize in myself and am grateful to have been blessed with:

  1. Being positive.  The more experience I have in my life, the more I realize that being positive is a gift.  It is not something that everyone possesses.  This used to frustrate me to no end to watch people wallow in their sorrows because I couldn’t understand how others couldn’t see the good in their lives, amidst the bad.  I am incredibly blessed to be able to see the positive side of nearly every situation.  I rarely stay stuck in my troubles.  I have learned that there is very little I can control- and the rest I can be OK with.  What a relief it is to me to only have to worry about the things I can control. 
  2. Gratitude.  I have been blessed with parents who have taught me the joys and necessity of having gratitude in my life.  For all things.  especially the hard ones.  I have been blessed tremendously to feel and express gratitude for the many blessings and things-that-don’t-feel-like-blessings-at-the-time.  Feeling grateful is a gift that has blessed my life tremendously.
  3. Being funny.  This is probably my most recognizable and appreciated (by me) trait.  I love being funny.  I love how freeing it is to laugh, to make others laugh.  It comes naturally to me.  I cannot control the witty thoughts that pop into my head in nearly every situation.  Being funny has helped me through many hard times.  Being funny has made life more fun.  Being funny has helped me to be positive.
  4. Sense of Humor.  Being funny and having a sense of humor are quite different.   I am able to make others laugh, but I am also able to laugh with (and at) others.  I am able to recognize when something is funny.  Life is full of funny to me.  What a blessing.
  5. Flexibility.  I think I’m flexible.  I am able to step away from situations and see what really matters.  and make decisions accordingly.  This is not something I’ve always been able to do.  It is something I have learned over the years as a mom.  I have always tried to not say “no” to my kids just because I can.  I try to be as flexible as I can to accommodate and show my kids (and friends) I love them and they are important to me.
  6. Confidence.  This is also a gift I haven’t always had.  This is something I intentionally set out to acquire back in high school.  I admired someone I went to school with (Tricia P) and figured out that what I most admired about her was her confidence.  I love that she was herself, no matter what.  And she was happy in that.  I acted confident well before I actually felt confident.  but I am confident with myself now because I learned that confidence is mostly a mindset.  a choice. 
  7. Hope.  Much like the gift of being positive, the gift of hope has blessed my life more than anything I can think of.  To me, the gift of hope, is all I need.  I have hope that everything in my life will be OK and as it should be.  That I will learn the lessons that I am supposed to learn in this life.  that all will be well- difficult or not.  That the only things that matter are that I keep going, keep doing, keep believing…and everything else will be as it should.  I love the gift of hope in my life.  It has served me well.
  8. Journaling.  I love telling my children’s stories.  I love the joy it brings them to look through the scrapbooks I have created for each of them since their births.  to be able to see how they’ve grown.  to feel my love and pride for them in a tangible way.  I’m good at it.  I love to do it, but I really love the result:  that my kids know who they are.  I am incredibly grateful for my talent that I have been given in being able to document my children’s lives and express my emotions and joys and frustrations in a real way.
  9. Seeing good intentions.   This one comes easy for me.  I am rarely offended.  At my core, I know people are good.  I know that we all want the same things out of life:  to feel loved.  I know that when something seems hurtful to me at first, it is due to one of two things:  either I misunderstood the other person’s intentions or the other person is lashing out over a hurt that they have.  Innately, we are all good.  Sometimes people do dumb things because they feel badly about themselves.  I am able to step away from a seemingly hurtful situation and see the intent with which it was given.
  10. Compassion.  I really do have the gift of compassion.  I care deeply for others, especially my family members.  I don’t always come across as a compassionate person.  Mostly because I don’t know how to express compassion very well.  But my heart breaks for others in difficult situations.  I spend a lot of time thinking about others and wondering how I can help.  Expressing these compassionate thoughts in a productive way is something I’m still learning.
  11. Discernment.  This is actually something I was blessed with in my patriarchal blessing I received when I was 18.  It is something that baffled me at first.  but I am able to see it more clearly in my role as a parent.  The gift of discernment is to be able to recognize the difference between right and wrong.  I do.  very clearly.  It  may come across as judgment to others, but it blesses my life many times over as a parent.
  12. Knowing who I am.  In a world that is confusing and overwhelming, I am extremely grateful to know who I am.  I am a daughter of God who feels and recognizes that gift daily.  I am a very needed mother, who loves and values that role more than any other.  I am a supportive wife who sees the need to show my love for my deserving husband more every year.  I am a compassionate sister who wants more than anything to be recognized as someone who loves each of her family members, without judgment.  I am a “go to” friend, who is aware of others’ needs.  I am Ray and Nevada’s daughter, who is grateful for the childhood I was given and for the many gifts that were passed on to me and exemplified for me in my growing up years.  I am a strong, virtuous woman, who is proud to believe the things I do and live the way I live- in an environment where my beliefs and virtue are not always recognized as honorable things.  I am me.  and I am 36.  and I wouldn’t want to be anyone else or any other age. 

Sunday, January 17, 2010

tomorrow’s my birthday

and i can’t think of anything that i want.

i mean, i’m already getting what every mother-of-lots-of-children wants:

a NO SCHOOL holiday mixed with a regular Microsoft workday = me + 5 stir-crazy kids – the beloved dad.  {insert sarcmark}

last year, i asked for one thing (okay, maybe it was two).  i asked that all of my siblings show up on my blog and make a comment.  surprisingly, they did.  that was awesome.  i don’t think any of them knew how happy that made me.  so happy that it made me cry.  the only thing better than that would have been if they’d kept reading all year. 

the only thing i can think of that would top last year’s fulfilled wish would be if my sister, brooke, would post on her blog again. 

no pressure. 

but it would make me (and a lot of other people) way happy. 

and your post doesn’t even have to be about me.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Saturday games

For the past 6 or so years, we have spent part or all of our Saturdays watching the kids play in basketball games.  or soccer games.  or T-ball games.  and I love it.  I love cheering my kids on.  I love watching them grow and gain confidence in their skills and improve throughout the season and the years.  I love watching their grins when they steal the ball or make a basket.  I love having them learn how to be a part of a team.  I love that they look forward to their practices and games and exercising.  I love an excuse to have a date with my husband to sit in the stands, if it works out that way.

I don’t always love when Damon puts his hand on my knee and tells me to calm down.  or losing my voice by day’s end from cheering/yelling so loudly.  or the lame referees.  or trying to figure out how to be at three different games at 3 different locations within 30 minutes of each other.  or spending $45 on a pair of basketball shoes (times 3) that still look brand new by the end of the season, but they’ve outgrown by the next season. or the (mean, unhealthy) competitive nature of some of the parents that yell at their kids (and kids that aren’t even their own) and make them cry.  or the”musical chairs” stampede to find a seat as soon as the game immediately preceding ours ends. 

That’s what sports seasons are to me.

Ray loves hanging all over me.  and asking me when the game is going to be over.  and climbing on things that shouldn’t be climbed on.  and telling me how hungry he is.  and running over to the team bench and drinking Nolan’s water.  and wasting the battery of my camera on pictures of unsuspecting peoples’ butts.  and pushing his Hotwheels onto the court “accidentally”.   and, sometimes, keeping track of how many baskets each team has made- because there’s no score kept.  and, mostly, just staying home with Ellison or Emma if they’re around.

And, of course, asking over and over again when it will be time for the snacks at the end of the game. 

Each family is responsible for bringing snacks to one game of the season.  Usually it’s something like a juice box, a bag of chips, and fruit snacks.  When it was our turn last week, we brought Ding Dongs (when was the last time you had one of those?), cheese crackers, and juice boxes.  The snacks are meant just for the players, but sometimes there are extras because of a shortage of teammates or some other circumstance.  and, on those lucky days, Ray and/or Savannah is gifted that envious team snack.  When it’s our turn for snack, I ALWAYS provide enough for all the players and their younger siblings.  because I know how much my kids are always hoping to get a leftover snack. 

Today was a day that we didn’t have any babysitter-aged children at home when it was time to leave for Nolan’s game.  I was surprised that Ray didn’t put up a fight about having to be dragged to a basketball game.  Instead, he ran into the pantry and got a whole bunch of random snacks out of the snack bucket.

2010 01 093

He had Keebler cookies, Cheezits, Cool Ranch Doritos, regular Doritos, fruit leathers, fruit snacks; every variety of snack that we had.  And then he asked if he could put it all in a bag and bring it with him to the game.  I thought it was clever of him to think ahead to the end of the game when he knew all the other kids would be getting a snack, and he could guarantee he would have one for himself.  And I also thought it was way too many snacks for him, but whatever.

After the game was over, he darted off to go find Nolan.  And the next time I saw him again, he was in the middle of the team huddle, grinning from ear to ear, handing out the snacks he’d brought to everyone on the team.

even though it wasn’t our snack day. 

Friday, January 15, 2010

a follow-up post

  1. yesterday’s post had nothing to do with your marriage/relationship and everything to do with mine. 
  2. if you are holding a grudge against someone, unbeknownst to them, try and let it go (especially if it’s against me).  but if you can’t let it go, it’s YOUR responsibility to let the offender know that you’ve been offended.   AND it’s also your responsibility to let it go. 
  3. i had a good friend in HS who was dating another friend of mine.  once they got in an argument and my good friend, brandi felt like her boyfriend, robbie, was holding all of her faults against her, and she blurted out, “what?  do you keep a list of all of my faults in your wallet or something?”  and you know what?  he actually did.   i think they broke up the next day.
    this memory occurred to me yesterday when i was writing about the time i came across the index card that damon kept in his wallet.  and how differently that seemingly small situation could have turned out if i’d found a list of my faults in his wallet instead of a list of things he was trying to do to be a better husband.  it probably would have devastated me and angered me.  and maybe set a different tone in our marriage than we have now.  amazing how something seemingly so  small can impact a relationship.
  4. many, many years ago, my sister, brooke, was surprised when i was talking to her about how happy damon made me.  she told me that she had always thought that i was unhappy and that my marriage was hard. 
    i was sick about that.  wasn’t every marriage hard in its own way?  didn’t everyone talk about little things in their marriage that bothered them and the stupid things their spouse did?  but how could she not know that i was happily married to a wonderful man?  i was, wasn’t i?  i didn’t feel at all like i spoke negatively of him.  i mean maybe sometimes, but certainly not enough to make someone think i was actually unhappy in my relationship.  that realization right there that i created a negative image of someone that i loved dearly and fully was life-changing for me.  it was a wake up call.   and i think i decided right then and there that i wanted to be the “gushing wife” and would always speak positively of my husband.  and i think i have succeeded in that.  and, as much as damon may disagree with me, i really feel like i don’t exaggerate or try and make him look better than he really is.  i really, truly love that guy and learn to appreciate the blessing he is to me and our family more every day.  and i want others to know that just as much as i want him to know that.  there is good that comes of speaking and thinking positively about somebody just like there is bad that comes from speaking and thinking negatively of someone.  you contribute or contaminate.  i choose to contribute wherever i can.  which in no way means i am bragging or rubbing it in or trying to make my life something it isn’t.  i love my husband.  tremendously.  and that’s a good thing.
  5. i can’t believe i didn’t put He is committed on yesterday’s post.  He is.  very committed.  to me.
  6. Also, kudos to my friend who sent me the e-mail that inspired yesterday’s post because, as a husband himself, he was interested to know the answer to that question.  that is an admirable trait in a husband:  someone who is willing to learn from others instead of choosing to feel inadequate.  love that he was willing to ask that honest question.  i really think it says a lot about him and who he is.
  7. I didn’t write the NYR for my family members because i really expect them to read them and refer to them and make all the changes in their life that would make me happy.  it was more a creative way to capture  information about what each of my children struggle with. 
  8. yesterday, my sister staci bought and e-mailed me a special font called “sarcmark”, which is a special punctuation mark that is to be used whenever a sarcastic remark is written.  so there will never be any question as to whether or not i am joking or being serious.  i cried when i saw what she’d done because it was so thoughtful.  i have poured my heart out to her many times about the frustration i feel over people not getting my sense of humor. 
    however, damon informed me that just because i have the special font on my computer doesn’t mean any of you would see it.  so it does me no good on my blog.  each of you would have to purchase it and download it on your own computers.  lame.  so- thanks for being so thoughtful staci, but it doesn’t solve my problem anyway.  so, instead of a sarcmark, just know that if it’s written anywhere on my blog or in an e-mail or a FB status update, it’s meant to be funny- and not to be taken personally.  that’s MY sarcmark:  if i wrote it, it’s funny.  that makes it easy- right?
  9. my sister, brooke, is on blogging strike.  not really, but she has decided to stop blogging for now to focus on some other things in her life.  i really want to support her in whatever way she needs to be supported (like encouraging her to move to seattle), but i’m also really sad to not have her posts and humor to read everyday.  really sad.  part of my blogging experience feels empty.  i want her back.  or to move here.  either one.  or both.
  10. i thought i just lost everything i just wrote.  but i didn’t.  my heart is still racing.
  11. i started the blurb.com process of trying to publish last year’s blogposts into a book.  it was overwhelming.  like, way overwhelming.  when i clicked the “upload all your posts” button, i got an error message after what seemed like a very long time.  “WHOA!  That’s quite the blog you’ve got there…”  and it only let me upload my posts from may to december- in 440 pages.  sounds like it’s going to be a lot more work than i’d anticipated.
  12. i hate work.
  13. this is taking way longer than i want it to. 
  14. guess what ray’s doing right now?
  15. goodbye.
  16. i still miss my sister’s blog.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

What’s his secret?

A friend of mine (that beat me out for student body president, but who really remembers that?) from high school sent me a message on Facebook yesterday.  The short, simple message paid me the highest compliment I’ve ever received (which shouldn’t be taken offensively if you have ever paid me a compliment).  This is what it said:

So Amy, you seem to love your husband more than any woman I've ever seen. What's his secret? It's made even more interesting since I never really saw you as the "gushing over my hubby" type.”

I’m still smiling about it.  Forget the last line (what does that even mean, anyway?).  It’s the first line that got me.  Could a wife be paid a greater compliment than to have someone tell you that it’s obvious she loves her husband?  I think not.

And it has caused me to seriously consider his question: 

“What’s his secret?”

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I could spend all day thinking of the {most} right  answer to that question.  Instead, I gave myself 10 minutes to write whatever came to my mind and sent Damon an e-mail with specific instructions to answer the question in 10 minutes or less-  no over-analyzing.  I wrote out my response first- before I sent him the e-mail.  He hasn’t seen my response yet, and I didn’t add anything to my side after I received his response.  These are our responses:

He says: She says:

It's interesting that he (1) observes that you love your husband more than any woman he's seen, but then (2) wonders how I did it. :-)  I think he hit the nail on the the head with #1--it's not that I'm so great, it's that you make a special effort to "love the one you're with".
My thoughts:
1.  We've created a monster.  I have my weaknesses.  I do stupid stuff and I hurt your feelings.  A lot.  It's not that I'm some extraordinary husband.  Rather, you've spoken so well of me through the years, and then your mom picked up on it, then Brooke...now there's this juggernaut that we can't control.  Everybody thinks I'm great whether I'm doing great stuff or not.
2.  I really do try.  You should go back and read #1 again, but after that understand that I really try to put away my pride (which first means recognizing all the little ways my pride shows up) and be a good person.  It takes continual effort and there are plenty of setbacks along the way, but a big part of my life is being willing to do the things I know I should, and then earnestly trying to do them.
3.  I don't give up.  And I never will.  Maybe this is a gift, or maybe it's something I've developed.  But something inside me won't let me give up.  I know what's right and where I want to be, even if I feel so far away from it.  Even when I don't know how to get there.  I keep trying, keep communicating, keep praying, keep apologizing, keep going.  And I think one of the keys to our marriage is that we both do that.  We don't let anything disrupt this idea that we can be together forever.  We've experienced trials that have probably ended a lot of marriages, but we don't see "ending" as a viable option.  Learning is a good option.  Growing is a good option.  Strengthening is a good option.
Beyond that, all the complex interactions in our marriage are too difficult to describe.  And they're different for everyone.  But these are my three big secrets.
Love you,
Damon

He puts me first.  He doesn’t “try” to put me first.  He doesn’t tell me he wants to put me first.  He doesn’t “act” like he puts me first.  He DOES put me first.  He shows me that I am number one in his life everyday.  because I am.  He doesn’t have to prove it to me because he lives it.  He puts me before his job.  He puts me before the kids.  He puts me before himself.   And I know it.  I know that he would do anything I needed him to do or even wanted him to do.  Not because he’s a pushover or weak.  But, simply, because he loves me.  And he shows it in everything he does.  There is a security in knowing that he would leave work early (or not go at all) if I called and told him I needed him.  And it’s also the reason why I have no problem when he wants to work late because I know he would be home if I asked him to be.  There is security in knowing that if I asked him to do something right then, he would stop whatever he was doing and help me out.  I know that he would never take advantage of me (and I try hard not to take advantage of his good will).  He puts my needs/wants before his own day after day.  He is loyal.  He makes me want to be better and do better.  He tells me he loves me all the time.  He is always trying to better our relationship.  At one point in our marriage, I discovered an old, beat-up index card he had kept in his wallet that was a list of things that he was working on to be a better husband to me.  wow.  He is conscious of being a good husband. I think it comes more naturally for him than some because he is less selfish, by nature.  but he also really makes an effort and works hard to be who he is.  He communicates with me.  He tells me what his needs are and listens to my needs.  He wants to be a good husband and dad just as much as I want that for him.  He never gives upHe is a very fair and honest arguer.  I never feel like I am wrong so much as I feel like he just feels differently than I do.  He always listens to me and hears what I have to say- even when he disagrees.  He is quick to apologize.  Again, not because he doesn’t stand up for himself, but because he is humble and sincere.  He is an excellent example of someone who demonstrates unconditional love, a quality that I truly admire in him.  When he asks me what I need or what he can do for me, he means it.  and he does it.  He tries to make my life better and simpler.  He listens to me and tries to understand me.  He has a  desire to be with me.  to get me.  He works hard at it.  He holds my hand and stands or sits close to me every chance he gets. He is my best friend.   He has a strong desire to make sure I know he loves me.  and I do know it.  He makes me happy.  {almost} everyday.
And that is a small part of what I think his “secret” is.   

which doesn’t mean he doesn’t have his faults.  He has TONS of faults (just kidding, honey). but he makes such an honest, genuine effort to be the great man that he is, that it’s easy for me to overlook his weaknesses and see him for what he really is:  a fabulous husband and best friend to me and a loving dad to my children that I am grateful to have in my life every single day.  and that’s why I love him. 

Plus- he plays with my hair.  That always helps.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

10 signs

your 5-year-old might be addicted to Mariokart:

  1. He is stressed when other shoppers are “passing you up” at the grocery store.
  2. He keeps telling you to drive faster on the road because you’re in twelfth place!
  3. He yells, “watch out for the banana peels, mom!” randomly while you’re driving.  and he’s serious.
  4. He wants to name your next child after one of the characters from Mariokart
  5. When you get home from anywhere, he is out of the car, shoes and jacket discarded in the entry, and already downstairs mid-race by the time you make it to the front door.
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  6. He calls you on your cell phone every time he “unlocks” something.
  7. You haven’t seen him for days.  Maybe since you acquired Mariokart?
  8. He likes to crash into you and yell “bam!” all the time.
  9. You discover him independently browsing Amazon.com and that he’s figured out how to put 2 different Mario bros. games in his cart.
  10. He obeys you when you tell him he can’t play Mariokart until he listens to you.

Is there a mariokart anonymous?