what a difference

a year makes.

december 31 (2008)	december 31 (2009)
i had a very white, smooth tummy	i have a very white tummy with 5 scars on it
i wasn’t wearing any jewelry	i am wearing calvin around my neck
i really, really, really, really, really loved damon	i really, really, really, really, really,really,  really, really  really love damon
i had 5 children	i have six children
i had never been to the emergency room for myself before	i have been to the emergency room too many times for myself this year.
i didn’t sleep with any kind of stuffed animal	i sleep with a stuffed animal -whose name is thumper.
thumper was a character from bambi	thumper was the life inside my tummy
i did not know how to post a link on my blog using “html- the old-school way”	i still do not know how to post a link on my blog using “html- the old-school way”
having a 6th-grader seemed unbelievable to me	i wish she was still in 6th-grade
i had lots of good friends	i have lots of good friends, plus kat, amanda, mrs. timberlake, emz, rebecca, ashley, ksmile, ….
i was excited for church to start at 11.	i am dreading the 9 a.m. church time
i didn’t have an ospenpop	i have an ospenpop
i thought my “growing up” family was hopeless	i think there might be hope for my family after all.
i weighed way less than damon	i weigh just under damon
i thought afterall was one word	now i know it’s two.
i would never dream of  writing something without using proper capitalization.	now i dream of it all the time.
i knew elli would love to be a supermodel	i didn’t know this would make me choke on trail mix
i hadn’t seen my older sister in almost 5 years	i saw my older sister 2 months ago and plan to send 2 of my children to georgia this summer
i did not have a clue how to post an entry on a blog	i know several different ways to post on my blog now
my house was a mess	my house is a mess
i was wishing i could be pregnant	i am wishing i could be pregnant
what is cookie wednesday?	cookie wednesday is the bomb
my car had less than 7K miles on it	my car is approaching 20k miles
i never wanted to go to arizona in july	i still never want to go to arizona in july
andy tolerated me and my sense of humor.	andy really doesn’t care for me- or my sense of humor.
i hardly knew my brother, matt	my brother matt is addicted to chapstick
i thought lice was disgusting	i know lice is disgusting
i liked evergreen hospital	“evergreen hospital” is the only thing i’m a fan of on facebook
i missed my sisters	i want my sisters to live next door to me
i believed in the power of prayer	i have felt the power of prayer and know that God answers prayers like i have never known before
i was serving in the relief society presidency (an organization for women) in my church	i am serving as a primary teacher to 3-year-olds.
i had never written a blogpost before	i have written 385 bloposts
i had a lot of quilts	i have a lot of quilts, plus 6 more
my brother had not accepted my friend request on facebook	i am still one family member short among my FB friends
i had never owned a pair of yoga pants	what else is there to wear?
i was enjoying the generosity of my brother matt’s timeshare in manson, washington	i am enjoying the sounds of home:  rock band.
i had never been on the hollywood tower of terror ride at california adventure	the tower of terror is my favorite ride
i had no real intentions of ever using the name calvin for one of my sons	i cannot imagine my world without the name calvin
nolan had no memories of legoland	now he has too many
i had never bought plane tickets for a family of 7	ouch.
my american express monthly balance had never topped 10K	double ouch
i thought blogging had to include really fascinating pictures to be interesting and readable	now i know blogging is whatever i need it to be that day
the thought of starting a blog overwhelmed me	the thought of not blogging daily overwhelms me.
the godfreys only had 10 grandchildren	now they have 14
i had never been to a trampoline gymnasium	i LOVE trampoline gymnasiums
i hadn’t thrown up in five years	i threw up.  a lot.
i had a gall bladder	not anymore.
i had never gone on a long road trip without my husband	now i’ve been on 2
i talked to my sister brooke about once a week	i communicate with brooke daily
people didn’t know how amazing i was	people think i’m amazing
i thought sarah L was kind of funny	i think sarah L is hilarious.  maybe even funnier than me.
i slept like a normal person	i sleep with a pillow over my head, a coping mechanism that started with a horrible february backache, was resurrected in  my first trimester, served me well after calvin was born, and continues to serve me even now as i block out the rock band chaos in the middle of my night
i had never been a patient of dr. daniel gavrila	dr. gavrila is my favorite doctor of all-time.
i thought rainbows were just rainbows	they’re so much more
i thought “taking things one day at a time” was just a cliche	taking things one day at a time is my motto
i envisioned my blog with a cool layout and beautiful pictures of myself and family on the sidebar	a plain white background and pictures of me with my beautiful fro and confused early morning face work just as well.
i had never been to an infertility clinic	i hope i don’t have to go back to an infertility clinic
i had no idea my insurance would cover lingerie	who knew?
i didn’t know i’d be needing to replace my swimsuit this year	now everybody at wild waves knows too.  and my brother, brett.  since that’s the only post of mine he apparently read (and commented on)
i spent a lot of time on my new laptop	i spend way too much time on my old laptop
i had never posted a sign on my front door that said “please leave us alone”	i liked that sign.  i was sad when damon told me it was time to remove it.
nobody knew how i really felt about mcdonalds	i wish more people knew
i couldn’t relate to any of my friends who’d had a miscarriage	now i grieve with them
people didn’t know how to grieve with me	now they do
up on the housetop was just another  christmas song	now up on the housetop has been inducted into the barry hall of christmas card fame
i had never bought a casket before	i didn’t really want to buy a casket, but i had to
i didn’t know that my daughter wanted to be lovers with my brother or that chad could be so convincing as a liar or that nolan could keep a secret	werewolves of millers hollow is on my list of games to buy
i didn’t know how many tears my body was capable of producing	way too many
i couldn’t even fathom having all of my brothers (minus one) and sisters in my living room together	now i want to do it again
i didn’t understand where some of my siblings were coming from	i still don’t, but it doesn’t matter to me anymore.  i don’t need to “get them” to love them and want to be their friend.
i had no idea that 2009 would be so hard	maybe every year is really this hard- i just didn’t have a blog to prove it
i hated when smokers selfishly smoked around me and my children	i still hate it.
i had never even heard of F.M.	i have heard way too much about F.M.
i hadn’t born my testimony publicly in years	now i have
i saw my sister once in 2008	i got to see brooke 4 times this year
i was grateful for many blessings in my life	my heart is overflowing with gratitude for the innumerable blessings i have in my life
brooke got headaches sometimes	brooke got debilitating migraines way too often
i was funny	i still think i’m rather hilarious no matter what other people think
i thought target bags were for putting purchases in	now i know they can be used as a pull-up in a pinch
i didn’t know what hoochie earrings were	i’m not sure that i’m any wiser in that department.
will i be able to get pregnant this year?	i miss my baby boy calvin, but have needed all the lessons i’ve gotten to learn from him this year
amylovesdamon.blogspot.com didn’t even exist	i can’t even remember my life before my blog (mostly because i can’t go back to look it up on my blog)
i wondered if i could ever be a good blogger	i wonder if i can do other things in my life as consistently and well as i have blogged this year?
hello 2009	goodbye 2009

Technorati Tags: love,gratitude,calvin,blessings,hope,blogging,life lessons,testimony

serious anxiety

that is the feeling i have identified in myself whenever i think about breaking my daily blogging streak. 

which is weird because i have been looking forward to the last day of 2009 for that very same reason:  it’s the end of my commitment to my sister to blog daily with her for an entire year.  honestly, i cannot believe i really did it.  and i really can’t believe my sister did it.. 

when i think back on the past year in blogging perspective, there have been a lot of nights where it was more than inconvenient to blog (blogging from a hospital bed, during my first trimester, while camping, and while vacationing at disneyland- to name a few) and a lot more times when i seriously questioned whether i had anything left in me to report on my blog.  but there have only been a handful of times when i have actually cursed myself (and maybe my sister) for getting myself into this mess.  and i can only think of one time when i actually cried because of it. 

and, yet, there was never a time when i wasn’t glad that i blogged.  when i didn’t feel a sense of accomplishment.  when i wasn’t grateful i wrote about an experience in the moment- instead of waiting until “i had time”.  when i wasn’t eager to read my sister’s obligatory comment (did you know we also commented on each other’s blog for an entire year, also?  yeah, we’re nuts.).  when i wasn’t disappointed (even after emily’s advice way back in january to have no expectations for comments) that my mom or other family members didn’t comment more often.  when i didn’t laugh or cry with others’ comments. 

if anything, i am most proud of myself for setting a goal on january 1, 2009 and completing it.  i don’t think i’ve ever done that before:  accomplished a goal that required 365 days of consistency.  i am proud that i didn’t allow myself to over-think it.  i’m proud that i didn’t allow “not having anything to blog about” get in my way of keeping my commitment.  i’m proud of the things i wrote.  i’m proud of who i am and who i’ve become this year.  i’m proud that i did it!

i have learned many lessons this past year from my blogging experience.  i have gained relationships, both old and new.  i have learned things about myself.  i have grown to love and appreciate my blogging sister more than i did in 2008.  i have developed a yearning in my heart to have deeper relationships with each of my siblings.  i have learned about my strengths.  and also my weaknesses.  i have found a strength and a confidence in my voice that i didn’t realize the depth of until this year.  i have improved the lines of communication between my husband and i.  i have allowed my children to see a side of me that they rarely see:  my inner thoughts and fears as a mother.  i have worked through physical pain and disappointments and grief.  and also experienced tremendous love and pride in my children and joy in my family.  i have discovered myself.

all because i have blogged daily. 

and so when i think about not having that commitment to stick to, it makes me a little sad.  and a lot anxious.  maybe it’s the competitive side of me that doesn’t want to ruin that perfect 364-day (to date) streak. 

but i think it has more to do with how much this commitment has changed my life.  i honestly don’t know if i can trust myself to blog “when i have something to blog about”.  i don’t know if i can be consistent and real without that daily commitment. 

and that’s what i’m having serious anxiety over:  to re-commit to daily blogging or sit back and be lazy bloggers like the rest of you. 

it’s a tough call.

Technorati Tags: blogging,family,lessons learned

when a man really, really loves a woman

he keeps a list of
her favorite see’s chocolates
in his wallet
[or maybe saved somewhere on his resourceful phone],
always at the ready.

so that every single piece of chocolate
is enjoyed
without hesitation.

because they’re ALL her favorites.

who cares if the box looks a little monochromatic?

certainly not me.

Technorati Tags: damon,love

having fun

notable happenings of the evening:

emerald garden restaurant did not have room to seat our entire family- and we were the only ones dining there.

the holiday skating rink is way crowded on free-skate mondays

ellison is so over ice skating

ray is so into ice skating

i may have preferred ray’s opinion over elli’s opinion

ice skating arenas smell musty

ice skating rinks that are temporary and only up for the holidays are very bumpy

ray thinks that it’s ok to gather up the extra ice shavings and make snowballs to throw at people- who aren’t in our family

size 9 is a very sought-after size of ice skates

ray and savannah thought the “snow”  (aka extra ice shavings from people’s ice skates) tasted really yummy

nolan thought it wasn’t fair that he wasn’t a pro on ice skates by the time he made it around the rink one time. 

ellison was not exactly thrilled that we were wasting our time ice skating

ray is a maniac on ice skates.  he’s kind of like duane williams  bowling.

ray didn’t care what direction he was supposed to be skating

ray didn’t notice how many unstable people he knocked over

ray was really glad we weren’t “in 12th place” (aka the end of the line) when we were standing in line for ice skates

ray has been playing a little too much mariokart lately

even though i had polyester liner socks AND wool socks, my feet were still freezing and they stung for 30 minutes after we were done skating

ray is hard to keep up with on ice skates

ray is hard to keep up with without ice skates

i think my great skate skills serve me well on the ice skating rink

{some of} my kids think i’m pretty awesome because i can skate backwards

ray is difficult to photograph on ice skates

ray is difficult to photograph without ice skates

ray may have preferred sitting/falling/playing on the ice/”snow” to actually skating

ray skating = ray running

i love witnessing the change of ellison’s super bad attitude into a “maybe this isn’t so bad after all” attitude

we actually finished a slice of motherlode chocolate cake, an i-declair, and a berry cobbler at claim jumper.  there were 8 of us.

my kids think hand warmers are the greatest invention ever  

even though we just went out to eat at 2 different restaurants (one for dinner and one for dessert), i still feel the need to eat from my stocking bounty.  

and i really love seeing the transformation from “maybe this isn’t so bad” to “i think this is actually fun”

              

i love having fun with my family- especially when everyone decides to have fun. 

Technorati Tags: ray,family fun

believe it or not

a while ago, damon gave me a priesthood blessing.  some of the things he specifically blessed me with were these:

• Blessing of comfort, peace, strength, and hope
• During school year, show love to family, show you care about them
• Strength from Heavenly Father to do things you need to do and help children grow, respond to their challenges
• Testimony grows
• Healthy and strong at birth
• Manage transition of new child
• Son will be a blessing
• Self improvement: set and meet goals, Lord will magnify your smallest efforts and He will help you
• Love and enthusiasm for gospel, be example to children and their friends, touch their lives and they will know you follow Jesus Christ.

the blessing was perfect. 

a few circumstances regarding this blessing really stand out to me.

1.  damon was giving the children blessings and gave me one as a casual afterthought.

2.  while i record (with pencil and paper) my children’s significant blessings, i’ve never kept written record of one of mine.  i asked ellison to be the scribe for this particular blessing- again as an afterthought.   i typed up ellison’s handwritten notes into a word document the day after this blessing was given.  and i copied and pasted the exact wording that ellison wrote down into this post- not one single word was changed.

3.  this blessing was given on september 20, 2009.

3 weeks before calvin died. 

in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Technorati Tags: calvin. gratitude,blessings,hope,healing

from the heart

one of my favorite gifts that i ever received for christmas as a kid was a quilt that my parents made for me.  it was a “slim” year and my parents made each of their 8 children their own quilt.  mine is not in the best of shape, and it is not out of fabric i would choose anymore (forest green and burgundy large floral print), but i still own it.  and even though we have lots and lots of more beautiful and softer blankets in our home, it is one of my children’s favorite blankets to wrap up in.  i think about that christmas every single time i see that blanket. 

i don’t have any idea what else i got for christmas that year.  but i do remember realizing how much time and love that both my parents put into making each of those blankets.  i remember each blanket was different (pepper’s had a cool plaid pattern that i coveted) and unique to each loved child.  it may not have been my favorite gift that christmas morning.  i may not have even shown my appreciation for that simple gift at the time.  i hope that i did not act disappointed when i received that gift as a child.  i hope i didn’t receive that gift as poorly as i received the porcelain doll or the full-length mirror that i was disappointed in receiving in other years.  i probably didn’t even have any idea that it would become my favorite and most memorable gift from that christmas.

i wish that i had known then what i know now:  that the gifts from the heart are the most meaningful.  that every parent wants so badly for each of their children to be happy and have the best christmas ever…every single year.  that my parents gave me all that they had that year:  in the loving labor of a hand-tied blanket.  thank you, mom and dad.

even today, my most favorite gifts are those that took thought.  those that may have not even cost a single penny, but showed much love.  it’s the reason why a simple heartfelt letter from my husband stood out as a favorite gift from yesterday:  it was a gift from his heart.  and i felt it.

my favorite moments from christmas 2009 were the quiet ones.  the still moments at the end of all the craziness and frantic ripping of wrapping paper when my children opened their last gift from me:  a gift from my heart. 

       

it’s something i wish i took the time to do every christmas.  every year i WANT to do something special, something from ME.  but it doesn’t always happen.  but when i do take the time to make meaningful gifts, they are always worth it. 

this year, i made the kids each a small album with pictures of their baby brother that they didn’t get to hold on christmas morning, like i’d promised them back in april.  they are books full of memories of sweet baby calvin.  they are books full of love. 

there are several pages that are pretty much the same in everyone’s books, but each book focuses on that child’s short experience with their baby brother.          

the room was completely silent when each of my children discovered what was wrapped inside the white tissue paper.  each of them took the time to slowly look through their books.  some of them shed quiet tears.  but it continued to be silent for several minutes.  almost in honor of our very missed baby brother. 

i know that these may not be their favorite gifts this christmas.  i know that in all the chaos of the xbox 360 and band hero and electronic hamsters, these gifts may even be forgotten for a while.  but i know that, in time, these will be the gifts they remember from christmas 2009.  

i know this from experience.  but i also know because they are the only gifts that they got that i received a genuine, “thank you, mom”.  and that always makes the labor of love even more worth it.

Technorati Tags: gratitude,love,healing,calvin,christmas,family traditions