overload

that’s what halloween is to me. 

too much wasted money

too much time spent on trivial things

too much candy

too many complaining children

too much rain and cold weather

too many messy pumpkin guts to clean up after

too many pictures that never turn out  because the lighting is always so poor by the time i am trying to take pictures

too many events to be at

too many people thinking halloween is an excuse to not wear enough modest clothing (hate those skanky costumes)

too many begged-for-costume-accessories that end up being carried around by parents all night

too many rude, entitled trick-or-treaters ringing my doorbell way too late

too many halloween-lovers

too much.  too much.  too much. 

but here is our contribution to it all anyway:

the pumpkins (which the kids all carve by themselves; we don’t do it for them- all original creations)

elli’s pumpkin (thumper)emma’s nolan’ssavannah’s  1/3 of ray’s another third final thirdcalvin’s

the costumes:

    
ray as [a high-quality $20 target] darth vader (or dark elevator, as he referred to himself)

  
savannah as a distraught mulan (i discovered she chopped a chunk of her hair off about 3 minutes before i took this picture)

   
nolan as obi wan kenobi (i actually have no idea how to spell that- and i have no desire to look it up.  anyone but crystal is welcome to correct me).  i love his imaginary light saber.  [staci- thanks for the costume; i know you told me it was luke skywalker, but i couldn’t convince nolan otherwise]

darth and obi fighting:

        
emmas as little red riding hood (thanks, aunt tori and friend mandy)

 
ellison as a {texting tweener} ladybug (who did NOT want her picture taken, but was oh-so-willing after she was notified that she would not be going to her halloween party unless she cooperated.  can you guess which picture the transformation happened in?)  this little pretty skirt was made by my ridiculously talented friend, sara.  elli’s in love with it.  [and so was everyone else]

this is what i felt like at the end of today:

     

but this is probably what i really looked like: 

i’m eager to be done with october- for lots of reasons.  but it is with great hesitation that i step into november as i begin walking into my new life.  i am excited for and full of hope for so many things that have been opened up for me right now (more time with my children, less physical pain, a new perspective on life), but i am still sad to move on and get further away from the future i thought was mine. 

november, it’s time to begin.

Technorati Tags: calvin,grief

another bad mark on my medical charts

do you want to know what’s worse than having this on my medical chart?

having this on my medical chart:

i didn’t know what a rainbow computer printout on my hospital room door or a hand-written one on the corner of my medical chart [when i returned to my doctor for a follow-up visit] meant before October 15th. 

now that i know, it will forever change the way that i feel about rainbows. 

rainbow- in medical terms- means that there was an “undesirable outcome”.  basically, be careful around this patient.  do not assume she has a healthy baby- or any baby for that matter.  tread very carefully. 

and so that rainbow follows me from doctor’s visit to doctor’s visit- where i am carefully escorted into special “consult” rooms (instead of ultrasound or medical procedure rooms) and a special post-partum visit is set up for me in a location far away from post-partum mothers that actually have babies with them. 

it actually makes me kind of sad to see a rainbow. 

but when i shared this information with a friend recently, she reminded me that rainbows also symbolize God’s faithfulness and his promise to never again destroy the earth by flood. 

so maybe, a rainbow for me is a sign from my Heavenly Father that he is watching over me and that i’ll never have to experience this again? 

maybe that’s what the medical rainbow really symbolizes:  faith and hope that this will never happen again to me. 

Technorati Tags: calvin,grief,hope

the things i’m learning

damon thinks it’s ok to play rock-band at 7:45 in the morning

i think i can tell right off the bat if i’m going to have a roller-coaster day or not.  today is going to be ok

i’m still funny

i think i’m more hormonal than i even realize

i’m still capable of being a good mom.  nothing has happened to me that should change that.  it may be harder- at times- but there’s no reason why i can’t keep on keeping on.

“serving others” to help me with my grief can be as simple as choosing to serve my own family right now.  i never thought that getting up early to make my family breakfast and be part of the morning routine again would make me happy.

i waste a lot of time during my day

“elli called emma the really baddest thing:  ‘a freakin’ butt’”  [ray]

damon doesn’t have a clue what needs to be done around the house on a daily basis. 

i think my kids need a bath.  when was the last time?

i wish i could take a bath.  no girl should have to go through what i’m going through without the option to soak in a bathtub (c-section recovery prohibits bathtubs right now)

i think i’m in love with my doctor.  i can’t imagine experiencing this with a doctor who only attended to my medical needs.  dr. gavrila and dr. wells are so much more than just doctors to my body.  they care about me in a way that makes me feel like family to them.  it makes me cry just thinking about them.

i was highly organized and efficient and quite possibly way more amazing than i realized- before all this happened.  trying to step back into my life and keep my family functioning seems nearly impossible to me right now.  how in the world did i juggle all that before?

halloween might actually be fun this year.  might.

my kids all grieve and react to death/grief in very different ways. 

my “anger” stage of grief may be directed at my kids and not at God like i was expecting it to

taking things one day at a time is hard to do.  i really want to jump ahead 6 months into the future. 

i would so rather be back in my first trimester than here.

damon thinks i look like an “emo-rocker” in the morning with my super awesome hairdo.  i think he secretly likes it.

people are willing to do anything for me right now.  literally anything- including sewing halloween costumes on the fly.

good friends.  no words. 

a lot of people have lost babies very late in pregnancy.  i had no idea.

people who clean my house don’t know where things go.  [hint:   my mail and bills that need to be paid do not get shoved in the desk drawer, sight unseen]

even dumb stuff makes me cry. 

it’s really hard for me to fall asleep at night when i should be sleeping, but i have no problem sleeping during the day

i’m so glad i started this blogging thing with my sister this year.  i truly can’t imagine trying to get through this without my daily habit of blogging.  it’s about the only consistent thing in my life right now. 

people still read my blog even though i keep babbling on and on about the same things. 

i’m already taking my life and the sacred role i have as a mother for granted again.  dang.

i think i’ve had a headache for like 4 days straight now.

ospenpop would be a good name for the lower part of my belly, just above my c-section incision where my “stuff” is popping out.  my ospenpop is not flattering at all right now; i hope it goes away, but i’m told i’ll just have to learn to love it as part of my new body.

damon.  makes me smile.  makes me laugh.  makes me feel so loved.  makes me cry.  makes me want to hug him every time he walks by me.  makes me want to be a better wife, mother, person.  makes me really want to get through this with him.  makes me wish he could retire and be home with me all the time [not really].

i’m even more in love with damon than i am with my doctor.  phew.

Technorati Tags: calvin,grief,gratitude,damon

to hug- or not to hug?

in answer to brett’s question:

i don’t know.  depends on the moment, depends on the situation.  if you do hug me, don’t apologize for making me cry.  it’s bound to happen. 

to call or not to call?  if you didn’t call and talk to me regularly before (or I didn’t answer your calls before), don’t call now.  there are very few people that i feel comfortable talking on the phone to.  [if you are family, this does not apply to you- if you want to call, please do.] 

to judge or not judge?  please don’t judge.  i don’t have a clue how to grieve the loss of a child.  i’m doing the best i can.  don’t make assumptions on how i should be handling the situation or if i should be back at church so soon or going trick-or-treating or not. 

to cry or not to cry?  how can you not cry?  it’s so sad.  don’t feel bad about crying when you see me or hug me or try and talk to me.  just don’t make eye contact with me.  :)

to e-mail or not to e-mail?  definitely e-mail.  this is very safe for me.  i can cry if i want to; i can open it at my own pace.   don’t hesitate to e-mail me.

to acknowledge or not acknowledge?  definitely acknowledge- even if you think it’s too late or you’ve missed the opportunity to acknowledge.  it’s never too late.

to laugh or not to laugh?  laugh.  be funny.  make me laugh.  i love to laugh and need to laugh.  it’s doesn’t physically hurt anymore to laugh. 

to take my kids or not take my kids?  if you weren’t someone that took my kids before, don’t offer to take them now.  i need my kids.  they need me. 

to pray or not to pray?  definitely continue to pray for me.  still need those prayers

if you’re pregnant or have a baby, should you steer clear of me?  no.  pregnancy and babies are life.  life continues to happen.  i still love babies.   seeing pregnant women stings a little, but i don’t take it personally.  don’t try and protect me.

to bring chocolate or not bring chocolate?  bring chocolate. {trader joe’s dark chocolate covered caramels and see’s dark Bordeaux are my absolute favorites, if we’re getting serious here}

to “just drop by” or call?  neither.  if you have something for me, leave it at my door.  don’t bother calling to tell me you’re going to drop by and don’t want to disturb me. 

to expect a thank you from me or not to expect a thank you from me?  know that i am grateful, honestly, but please don’t expect a thank you.  i know that lots of people have brought food, cards, candy, chocolate, flowers, cleaned my house, etc, but i can’t keep track of it all.  please know that i truly appreciate all that is being done in my behalf; it just may not get acknowledged.  don’t take it personally. 

to do my laundry or not do my laundry?  um, don’t.  unless you’re damon- then you need to do it daily.

should you keep calling because you’re not sure i heard my phone?  no.  chances are i am intentionally NOT answering your call.  please don’t call every 5 or 10 minutes.  i may be in a slump, i may be sleeping, whatever.  i really dislike hearing my phone ring over and over again.  fyi:  i prefer my cell phone ringer to my home phone ringer.  but i really do cringe when i hear either of them ring. 

to leave a voicemail message or not leave a voicemail message?   don’t.  unless it is because you need an answer from me about something right then (i.e.:  you are at costco and were wondering if i could use anything?);  truth is, i’m probably listening to you leave a message.  please make it short.  i hate listening to messages; please don’t leave a long, “feelings” message. 

to bring our family dinner or not to bring our family dinner? call mandy or aimee s.; they are coordinating dinners for our family right now.

to smile at me or look at me with sad eyes?  please smile.

to clean your room or not clean your room?  definitely clean your room, elli.  it really does affect me.

to ask how i’m doing or not ask?  please don’t ask.  especially as the first words out of your mouth.  i know it just slips out, but if you’re consciously thinking about it, don’t ask.

to compliment me or not compliment me?  please don’t.  i don’t want to look good right now and i don’t feel like looking good.  i don’t want to be told how thin i am.  it makes me sad.

to read my blog or not read my blog?  please read- if you want to.  if you’re in my family, please read even if you don’t want to.  it makes me feel loved to know my family cares about me enough to drudge through my daily blog entries.

to comment on my blog or not to comment?  i love comments (from most people).  even now.  don’t overanalyze your comment.  even if you don’t know me or have never commented before.  don’t comment if it stresses you out, but don’t feel like you’re intruding into a private matter.  [normal]comments are getting me through this one day at a time.

to give advice or not give advice?  only if you’ve lost a child yourself in a similar circumstance and have some really helpful advice that you truly think i could benefit from.  otherwise, please refrain.

to recommend i get on anti-depressants or not recommend?   don’t recommend.  again, unless you’ve been in my shoes, please don’t offer your advice here.

to refer to the death of my son as a miscarriage?  doesn’t sit well with me.  please don’t make that mistake.  i gave birth to my baby and he died.  i did not have a miscarriage.

to invite me to something or not invite me to something?  invite me, but don’t try and force me to come “for my own good.”  don’t feel bad or think it’s insensitive to invite me to have fun.  it’s ok, i just may not feel like going.  and that’s ok, too.

to ask me when i’m going to try to get pregnant again or not?  don’t ask.  it’s none of your business.  if i want to tell you, i’ll tell you.  please don’t ask.

should you be offended or not be offended?  please don’t be offended by anything i say or react to or because i delete a comment you make on my blog or because i choose not to answer a call or visit from you.  please respect my decisions.  i’m trying to be considerate of others, but i also have to be selfish right now. 

**please also know that nobody has said or done anything- at this point- to offend me or make me upset.  this is in large part due to my frame of mind thus far.  i can feel a shift in my emotions and mindset and i don’t want to lose sight of the fact that people generally have good intentions.  most of the things on this list are things i am just becoming aware of myself.  they are not a reaction to anything anyone has done.**

disclaimer:  my emotions are all over the place.  the answers to these questions could change at any time.  these are today’s answers. 

Technorati Tags: calvin,grief

it’s really hard

sharing damon.  i know my kids and house need him, too, but it’s hard to share him.  I want him all to myself right now- just like I had in the hospital

deciding when to cry and when not to cry

feeling so disorganized and out of touch with my kids’ homework assignments and overdue library books, etc

to feel optimistic and excited about the coming weeks and months when i have a terrible sadness in my heart for what should have been mine

to eat dinner when see’s chocolate is an option, too

to receive a life insurance policy in the mail requesting your child’s death certificate

to de-program my brain that i am not pregnant anymore and i will not be bringing a baby home to live with us in a few weeks.  it’s crazy to me how hard that is to let go of. 

to want so badly for things to be the same before all this happened, but to want just as badly for things to NOT be the same

to physically feel fine, but not be able to do my own laundry, clean my house, etc for several more weeks

to have to be the one to tell people that yes, i had the baby, but he died.  nobody wants to hear that, and i don’t want to say that.

having to go to all the kids’ halloween parties at school on friday and to microsoft to trick or treat and to the ward trunk or treat- where everyone will look at me differently (without intending to).

having my family all gone

looking at the heavy black marks on my calendar that represent my pre-natal appointments

feeling so vulnerable when i walk across the street to get my mail or when i am out in public

trying to remember and document all the events leading up to calvin’s birth/death when my brain doesn’t really want to go there.

to admit that i’m not absolutely certain that i couldn’t have changed the outcome of this pregnancy if i had done something differently

that it’s only been 12 days.  really?

telling my kids to be careful when they’re around me because some of my body parts still hurt to be touched or bumped

not being able to pick up and hold my niece and nephew

to know if i’m sleeping because i’m tired or if i’m sleeping to avoid

not signing up to help or bring anything to the kids’ school halloween parties

receiving my GAP bill for $714, but not having anything to wear

being the only one of my really close friends to not have a baby this year.  i liked being part of that special clique. 

getting e-mails/FB messages from people I haven’t talked to in YEARS expressing their love and concern for me

not having control

to feel myself shutting down a little bit

trying to balance all the emotions i’m feeling right now in a productive way

getting through today.  today was really hard.

Technorati Tags: calvin,grief

so many questions

as difficult as it was for me to see calvin’s tiny casket, ray was even more disturbed and confused. 

in fact, he was so confused that he spent the entire memorial service whispering questions in my ear about what was happening.  some of the questions he wanted answers to:

can i see calvin?

where is calvin right now?

how did he get inside the white box?

who drove him from the hospital to “this church” (the cemetery)?

why are we going to put him in that hole?

how do you KNOW calvin is inside that box?

does he know that i drew him a picture?

does he like my picture?

are you going to put me in a box like that when i die?

when am i going to die?

i don’t want you to put me in a box like that when i die.

are you going to be in a box like that when you die, mom?

how are we going to fit you inside a small box like that?

why are they going to put dirt on top of calvin’s box?

can i watch them put calvin’s box inside the ground?

why are we putting calvin in the ground?

will we come back here to see calvin?

is everybody at “this church” because of calvin?

why is everybody crying?

why can’t i take the flowers off the flat rocks (headstones)?

why are we leaving calvin here?

i don’t want to die, mom.

i miss calvin.

              

so do i, ray.  so do i.

Technorati Tags: calvin,grief,ray

his casket

was so very small.  i knew it was going to be small from the pictures damon showed me, but it still took my breath away when i saw it for the first time at his graveside service.  very surreal.

on monday night for FHE, we talked about what we wanted to put in calvin’s casket to bury with him.  some of the suggestions:  a golf ball like grandpa ray had in his hand when he was buried, a hobbes stuffed animal, a thumper stuffed animal, a special blanket, letters from each of us. 

our surrogate grandma turley offered to make him a beautiful, soft white minky blanket that he was wrapped and swaddled in before his body was laid in the casket.  his name and birthdate were simply embroidered in the corner of the blanket.

grandma turley also made each of my kids and me a small square “lovey” that was a piece of calvin’s blanket.

“grandma” turley

along with my “dear calvin” letter, the following items were also buried with calvin’s body:

from ray (a beloved lego train picture that he colored just for calvin):

from savannah (a shared picture from ray’s lego printouts that she thought calvin would like):

from nolan (a heartfelt letter that started an emotional downpour of tears and questions):

from emma (a sweet, simple letter):

 (“your in our thoughts and in our hearts and will never ever leave”)

from elli (a sweet letter, along with a drawing of both thumper and calvin and hobbes- since we were unable to find stuffed versions of these meaningful animals before we buried our sweet boy):

  

we will miss the opportunity to have our baby calvin in our earthly home to raise and love and cuddle, but feel blessed in knowing that we will see him again. 

Technorati Tags: calvin,grief