disclaimer: I’m sorry if you’re not a Harward and are rolling your eyes at this discussion. Please don’t be concerned. It’s actually very normal. I will get back to my funny stories and daily life soon enough. But, for today, this is it.
I’m still sitting in my bed, laptop on, and thinking (or maybe avoiding; not sure how to tell the difference). Skid-a-marink-adoo is blaring in the background. Do children have a volume limit? Mine don’t.
I’m still thinking about my family. I’m thinking how wrong it is to be raising our children without each other. It seems wrong for my kids to grow up not knowing who their cousins are. And when I mention certain siblings’ names, my children say, “Who’s that, mom?” Um, that’s my brother. How pathetic is that?
I’m still thinking about how amazing each one of us is. I’m in awe of my mom who was an only child. Whose dad was killed by a drunk driver just days after her birth and whose mom died of heart failure when she was only 15. Imagine the loneliness and grief she has experienced just by the time she is 15. And then she gets married (not at 15) and basically has no family.
No family. And then has 8 children. Eight children. No parents to call for help, no sisters to comfort and love and accept her and reassure her that she is an amazing person. But she figures it out and has wonderful friends and a loving husband that helps her along the way. And then she is widowed at age 60. All alone again.
But wait, she has 8 kids. How can she be alone? Because that’s what we do; that’s how we make her feel. We are all so wrapped up in our own lives/problems that we forget sometimes that she is there- that any of us are there, struggling with life just as we are. Individually, the Harwards are incredible.
Nevada, my mom, is super talented. She is the busiest person I know. She is outgoing, smart, and more technologically-savvy than she thinks she is. She is dependable. She is a very hard-worker and gets the job done- no matter how much she has to sacrifice personally. She is strong- in life and in the gospel. She longs to feel appreciated and loved by everyone, but especially from her children. She has given me a love for cooking and baking that I am grateful for. She is a wonder. I am always excited to have her come visit, but am always disappointed and saddened after she’s gone because I didn’t feel like she got to know me or my kids enough. I always wish there was more substance to her visits, not just running around and going, going. And I wish I knew her better and that she knew me better. And I also wish that she won’t be offended by what I write because that is not my intent (it NEVER is). I wish she knew how much she has to give. She lives too far away to be grandma to my children. I love her and miss her.
Brett is brilliant. He is super charismatic and outgoing. He is kind and generous. He could sell you anything. He is eager to feel loved and accepted by all of us. He has made an increasing effort over the last year or two to reach out and and be my friend, and I have noticed. He is loving and compassionate, but he is also 11 years older than me, and I don’t know him very well. I miss him and love him.
Staci is simply amazing. She has taught me much in my life. She is a wonderful example of motherhood, sisterhood, and friendship. She is extremely talented and creative. She has a huge, generous, compassionate heart. Even though she is 9 years my senior, she makes a large effort to get to know me and make me feel loved. She is very thoughtful and often sends me things just because she’s thinking about me. She calls me often just to chat, which I love. I always get excited when I see her name come up on caller ID because she’s my older sister, and I look up to her and I know she’s calling me just to talk and laugh with me. But she still lives far away and we rarely see her. I miss her and love her.
Matt is also super smart. He is extremely generous as well. He is a great uncle to my children and really loves to have fun. He is fun to talk to (when he answers his phone) and he makes me feel important in his life. He is very real. He also makes an effort to get to know me and my family and really puts himself out there. He made my summer last year when he came out to Seattle to visit me and my family. And he actually stayed and hung out for a while. I loved it. And one time many years ago, his wife Lauren, sent me a super nice e-mail (and a letter once, too) that I still have saved in a separate folder in my inbox that told me how special and amazing I was. It made me cry. Matt is also very talented and could do anything that he wanted to do (he just may not finish it). I miss him and love him.
Chad is hilarious. For sure, funnier than me. He is the most easy-going of all of us. He is very patient and kind and just fun to be around. He is quiet and soft-spoken. He made a comment 3 1/2 years ago on our old Harward Family blog right after we got Savannah that I will never forget and have clung to in the past 3 1/2 difficult years as a parent to her. He simply said that he couldn’t imagine Savannah going to a better family. That meant the world to me. He is the least intimidating of my brothers to have a conversation with, but I probably haven’t spoken to him in years. I’m pretty sure he likes me, though, because sometimes he responds to me on Facebook. And he became a blogger because of me. I miss him and love him.
I am next in the family. And I think I’m the favorite.
Pepper is really funny, too. And intellectual. He is very opinionated. He is a superb dad. He, too, is generous. He- for sure- could do anything he wanted to. Most of what he says is way over my head and I don’t have a clue what he’s talking about, but I try to pretend I’m just as smart as him. He reminds me most of my dad, both in his physical appearance and his capabilities. I am secretly thrilled any time he contacts me: by phone, e-mail, happy birthday., or otherwise. He is also very private and hasn’t even accepted my friend request on Facebook (even though he’s friends with Emily Godfrey Craig, but who’s keeping track?), but I think he likes me?? I miss him and love him.
Brooke is underappreciated for sure. She is loving and compassionate. She is funny. She is a hard-worker and does more than anyone in our family to try and stay connected. She is honest and vulnerable and willing to put herself out there over and over. She is generous and thoughtful and creative and talented. She has come out here multiple times to watch my kids and just to hang out and be crazy with me. She knows me. I love her and miss her.
Kristen is compassionate. She is resilient. She would do anything for anyone- even though “everyone” wouldn’t do “anything” for her. She is thoughtful and considerate and brave. She craves connectedness and acceptance also. I love that she calls me to ask for parenting advice and to express her needs for more boy clothes and stuff. She makes me feel wise and important. She is always considerate to ask, “Are you busy right now?” every time she calls. And of course I’m busy, but it always makes me smile because it means she’s thinking about me. I miss her and love her.
See?- we’re awesome. But, not as a family.
I once told my kids, “Don’t you know that when I ask you to help me make dinner or help me do something- it’s my way of spending time with you?” No, they didn’t.
So I ask my siblings:
Don’t you know that when I ask to use your timeshare, when I call you to ask you why you’re being a jerk, when I facebook you to ask a random question, when I e-mail you with a request, when i post a blog that exposes how lame we are as a family…that it’s because i love you and miss you and it’s my way of connecting with you?
Don’t you know that i think about this daily? that even though I am just as busy as all of you and have lots to worry about, I am constantly thinking about ways that I can make a difference in your life? that I would so love to have consistent comments from my family on my blog- not just on my birthday? just so i know you’re out there and that maybe you’re interested in what I’m doing with my life?
Don’t you know that’s why I started this blog in the first place?
Well, now you do.
Family Reunion, anyone?
And now I must take some more Excedrin Migraine and take a nap. No pictures of me today. Not pretty.
(editor’s post-script note: Matt is fine. Thanks for your concern. I am fine. Just a woman with feelings trying to make a difference. No need to call or be concerned.)
And if you are a sibling, don’t stress yourself out about commenting. I’m not looking for deep, thoughtful, emotional comments. All I want to know is that you’re there, reading because you care.
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%5B3%5D.jpg "Oct 31 2007 (55)")
